Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Glory Baby

To help me process and grieve the loss of our baby, I have listened to this song by Watermark called "Glory Baby" which has brought me such comfort.  I pray for all the other families who have experienced this pain will be comforted by these words:

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…


I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you

Saturday, July 23, 2011

His Mercies are New Every Morning

Yesterday was a good day and a day that I will always remember.  And I truly believe it was because of everyone praying for us.  I first want to thank everyone for their overwhelming love, prayers and encouragement to me as I expressed my heart of the pain I was feeling over the loss of our baby.  Thursday, the day I wrote my blog, it was a week exactly since we heard our heartbreaking news.  And it was also the hardest day I had had yet, emotionally.  It seems that everyday, my emotional pain got worse and worse and I feared that it would never lift.  I decided to write about it and hesitated if I should even post it as I was being incredibly vulnerable.  But I just knew that for me, I needed to talk about it.  After posting my blog Thursday night, I was overwhelmed by the messages, e-mails and responses.  I had so many women tell me their stories and the pain that they went through.  It was all completely the Lord as he brought people to bring me such encouragement and hope.  That Friday morning I woke up and immediately felt different....I just knew more people were praying for me.  The Lord had given me such peace.  Justin had the day off and so we used the day to honor the memory of our precious baby.  We went shopping and picked out something as a memorial for our baby.  We also wanted to buy a little box to put our ultrasound pictures in, along with cards and letters that we had written since we found out we were pregnant.  Before buying the box, we decided to give our baby a name, which was recommended to us to do.  So, Justin and I decided on the name Faith for many different reasons.  We knew it was the Lord.  Immediately after we decided on that name, we saw a beautiful box that caught Justin's eye, and when we looked closer, the box had the name "Faith" on it.  We are thankful for the small little things the Lord has reminded us that He is near and His presence is with us. Though babies that die in the womb do not have funerals, and you don't have memorial services, yesterday was our time to just reflect and celebrate the life of our baby.  My heart had changed to "I wish this had never happened", to "I am so thankful the Lord gave us these 10 weeks to love our baby."  Each child is a blessing and I consider this beautiful gift such a blessing.  This has also brought Justin and I so much closer together as we have grieved together this week.  He has been incredibly loving and patient with me and our love has truly grown through this.  I am blessed beyond words for my loving husband the Lord has given me. 

Everyone had told me "His mercies are new every morning" and that it would get better.  After a week of grieving, I honestly didn't know if it would ever get better.  But Friday the Lord just moved in my heart in powerful ways.  Justin and I are reading the devotional Worship the King that the church is reading together.  Yesterday's Devotional was titled "God's Faithfulness".  It focused on Lamentations 3:22-23 which says, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  It also says, "when the valley of the shadow of death is before us-God is faithful.  We may not understand exactly how He will be faithful, but we know He will because He said so.  And the faithful always keep their promises."

Your prayers for us have been powerful and the Lord is near to us.  I know it doesn't mean that I will never be sad or cry anymore...in fact, I became all sad again last night when I read something that reminded me of my loss, but the Lord gave me peace.  It was a great day and I am thankful that Joy does come in the morning.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Silent Pain of Miscarriage

Last week was not supposed to be one of the hardest weeks of our lives.  It was actually supposed to be one of the happiest weeks for us.  We were planning to announce our pregnancy after our 10 week Doctor appointment.  I had it all planned out.  I knew how I wanted to tell people, I knew the picture that I wanted to post, I thought in my head how I wanted to write about it on my blog.  I went over and over in my head how I would write about the time when I first told Justin we were expecting and how exciting that moment was for us.  I couldn't wait till that Doctor appointment and to hear our baby's heartbeat for the 2nd time.  It was supposed to be such a great week.  But the Lord knew that it was not the week that I was expecting, and He lovingly prepared me for it.  After having some concern about the baby, I was able to get into the Doctor a day earlier than our regular appointment.  We prayed and prayed for our baby, we prayed our baby was healthy and everything would be okay.  Our worst nightmare had come true when we heard the painful news that our baby had no heartbeat.  I remember my first thought was how did this happen?  What did I do wrong?  I had such hurt and guilt just thinking of what I should have and could have done differently.  I know this is a normal reaction for most women.  The Doctors has reassured me that there was NOTHING I could have done.  This was a part of the Lord's plan for us.  His perfect, loving, and glorious plan that is for His Glory and for our good.  I knew the Lord's hand was upon us and our precious baby.  Though He didn't answer our prayers in the way we may have wanted, He has poured out his loving kindness upon us and has given us such hope in a time of despair.  He has proven His faithfulness and love towards us over and over again and His presence was so near to me through my tears.  I had to get a D&C the following day and spent the rest of the week recovery physically and emotionally.

So, now what?  How do I go back to work and be normal again?  Do I tell people what happened or do I just pretend that everything is okay, though deep down inside, I'm hurting deeply.  Are we supposed to put on our happy face and act like we feel better already even though we actually feel like our lives have hit a full stop while everyone keeps moving around us?  I know that having a miscarriage is very common and happens in 1 out of 4 pregnancies but for some reason, no one talks about it. It has been a taboo subject while couples mourn in secret. One article I read states, "In a society which continues to have a legal and cultural blind spot for the unborn, many suffer from the illusion that miscarriage doesn’t grieve a parent as much as the loss of, well, a “real child.” And that is precisely what hurts so much.  We can never console someone in grief if we imply, even remotely, that the person they lost wasn’t real."  The article goes on to say "...that was a real child. The life of that child matters, no matter how short it was. The death of that child matters, no matter how many may not cry. And the love I have for that child matters, even if nobody else knows."  The pain is real, and I never realized just how real it is until last week. 

I believe every couple grieves in different ways when they go through a loss like this.  Some wish to keep private and not to talk about it.  Some want to tell everyone so they can receive encouragement and prayers.  And I completely understand and respect both sides.  There are days where I don't want to talk about it and just want to hide in my room. Then there are days where all I want is to talk about how much I love and miss my baby.  I want to talk about how I miss waking up every morning putting my hand on my belly and just praying over my baby.  I miss being pregnant.  I miss the bond that I had already developed with my baby after just 6 weeks.  I then realized that for me, the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to me is pretending that I lost nothing.  And so writing about it has helped me tremendously process through my emotions and pain.  I have been writing in my journal nonstop since finding out and it has brought great comfort for me.  I have written out my feelings, my pain of missing my baby, scriptures, prayers, and promises of God.

I wish I could say that in time the emotional pain has gotten easier, but that hasn't happened quite yet.  I know that it will in time, and I just keep believing and trusting the Lord as He heals our hearts.  I have been reading Beside Still Waters by Spurgeon and this one devotional is what Justin read the day after my surgery. 

"This is how we deal with God.   Praise Him before you are delivered.  Praise Him for what is coming.  Adore Him for what He is going to do.  I do not think there is a sweeter song in God's ear than the song of one who blesses Him for grace that has not yet been tasted, who blesses Him for answers that have not been received but are sure to come."


Habakkuk 3:17-19
"Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor the fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls-yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.  The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills."

I know the Lord is good and He is doing a work in our hearts that I could never imagine.  He is answering prayers that I may never know.  I praise Him for his sovereignty over our lives and His healing hand, though I may not "feel" it everyday.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Our Colombia Mission Trip: Part 3

After our first 2 days in the 1st village Villa Carmen, we spent the next 2 days in a different village called El Bosque (The Forest).  We were sad to say goodbye to the Pastor and the church members, and some of the families that we witnessed to, but were excited for a new start in a new place.  We didn't really know what to expect with our 2nd village.  We met the pastor and some of the church members who were incredibly hospitable and welcoming towards us.  They were just so happy we were there to partner with them.  I remember what it was like living overseas and feeling like you're one of just a few Christians in the area and I'm sure that is how they felt.  I remember how joyous it was to have visitors and other believers come to work with us even if it was only a few days.  They were just so happy we were there and it was a blessing being with them for 2 days.  When we got there we immediately noticed that it was very different than the first neighborhood we were at.  This neighborhood was a little more dangerous that the first one.  We had to be more careful overall with our personal belongings.  Of course the people there were still incredibly friendly as kids played outside together and they allowed us into their homes to share the Gospel with them.



 My favorite story of the week was during our first day there Justin and Pastor Felipe were talking about if they should go witness to these group of guys that were always hanging out at the very top of the hill overlooking the barrio.  Justin sensed that the Pastor was very hesitant about sharing with them.  He came to find out that these guys were actually drug dealers and that the Pastor had tried to witness to them at a previous time.  When the Pastor tried talking to them, the guys showed him their gun, just giving him the message to stay away.  So of course the Pastor was a little more hesitant go talk to them again, though he really wanted to.  After they were debating if they should take the risk to go talk to them, the Pastor said "these guys need Jesus too, and it would be wrong for us not to share."  Justin was ready and said "alright, lets go talk to them".  They took a big group over there to be safe, and Justin started talking to them.  He spent a long time with these guys sharing his testimony and then sharing the Gospel with them.  I walked up about halfway and had no idea what was going on since there was such a huge group with them.  I could just sense the Holy Spirit speaking through Justin and moving in these guys hearts.  They seemed like such tough guys before but when I looked at them then, their hearts just seemed to be softened.  They were so respectful and attentive and they seemed to be hanging on every one of Justin's words.  It was amazing.  The Lord was working in their hearts and the Pastor prayed with them.  Only the Lord knows their hearts but how amazing that He used a random American like Justin to share with them, when they refused to listen to it before.  I am thankful for my godly husband who feared the Lord more than man. 

There were stories after stories of all the people the Lord led us to talk to and how the Lord was moving in their hearts.  Our love definitely grew for missions, for Colombia, for the poor, and for the Gospel.  Our love also grew for each other.  We loved going on a mission trip together and think every married couple should go.  It brings you to another place in your relationship.  Our time together on this trip was sweet and I am truly thankful for how the Lord grew us closer together.


On our last night in Colombia we held a Victory celebration service at a Baptist church located centrally in the city. The people we witnessed to in the neighborhoods were picked up by buses and brought to the church that night. It was beautiful to see 16 churches represented from various denominations come together that night as one Body to worship through testimony, preaching and song.  The room was packed full of people!  We were so encouraged by all the people that came to the service who we had the opportunity to share the Gospel with earlier that week. We were also so thankful for how well the Pastors were doing with the follow up process.   We worshiped in Spanish and some in English.  I just love worshipping in another language, it is always so beautiful to me.  The service was encouraging and just a great time to celebrate all that the Lord did that entire week.



So now we are back into the real world and it hasn't been easy.  We were slammed hard immediately with sickness and trials once we got back which has kept us from even processing our trip.  But the Lord is good and has reminded us of His faithfulness towards us on this trip and all that He did in and through us.  I believe He even used that trip to prepare us for the trial that would come our way once we got home.  Lord willing, this will be the first of many mission trips for us in the future.


Our Colombia Mission Trip: Part 2

Through the exhaustion of the week, the Lord continually gave us joy and strength through serving and sharing the Gospel a dozen times a day.  On Tuesday, our team did something a little different.  There was a painter on the E3 team who came to our village and started painting a beautiful picture of the crucifixion to try to draw a crowd.


 At first, there was hardly anyone there.  About 10 minutes later, there were people everywhere.



We immediately started talking to the people that were there and sharing the Gospel with them.  After being there over an hour, I think I shared the Gospel with different groups of people at least 10 times. There were a lot of kids there as well because of course children are very curious.  I got some great pictures of Justin sharing with some boys:



One thing I loved was after going through the evangacube with some of the children, and teaching them the Gospel, we had little cards to hand out to them that were just like the cube so they could share the Gospel with someone else.  They absolutely loved this and were begging us for the cards so they could share them.  We had a limited supplies, so I would tell the children that they had to really know what it meant and share it with me first before I would give them a card.  I was so impressed with how attentive they all were and could share the Gospel so well!  After they repeated it all back to me, they would immediately go to another child and share it with them.  Though only God knows what is going on in these children's hearts, seeds were definitely being planted!



It was a really great day and we rejoiced over all the people young and old who heard the Gospel that day....many for the very first time.  God is definitely at work and it was only day 2....

to be continued...

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Our Colombia Mission Trip: Part 1

Before we knew we it, we were on a plane to Miami, and then another plane to Colombia!  The Lord had already answered so many prayers.  The flights could have not gone more smoothly, and all our luggage made it with no problems.  That is very unusual!  (especially looking back on my last mission trip, everything went wrong, I lost all my luggage, and become extremely sick..not fun!).  So we arrive at our hotel late Saturday evening and meet the rest of our team.  There was a huge group from the team leader's church there, but we were all split into groups of 4-6 people for the entire week.  Then Sunday morning, each group went out to different churches to join their worship services.  Just driving around the city fills my heart with joy as I just love being in a different country experiencing different cultures.  It was great worshipping in another language that morning.  The Pastor also asked us to give our testimonies during the service.  Here is a picture of Justin giving his testimony.

After church, we spent the rest of Sunday resting and going through some training.  We also broke into our teams Sunday evening and met our translators.  There were enough translators there for each of us to have our own, which was awesome.  All the translators were so nice and helpful and were such servants.  Here are some pics of just some of the translators we go to know during the week


So then Monday morning comes and we are all pumped and ready to share the Gospel.  We had a prayer time with the group at 6:30am, breakfast, teaching time, and then we made our way out to the neighborhoods by 9am.  Each team was assigned to 2 neighborhoods for the week.  One for Monday and Tuesday, and a new neighborhood for Wednesday and Thursday.  Each of the neighborhoods had a church plant that was either just starting or just starting to grow.  The first neighborhood was in Villa Carmen where we worked with Pastor Eduardo and his wife and 2 beautiful children.  They moved to this poorer neighborhood to start a church there which is amazing.  There are about 5 core people involved in the church and they meet at the Pastor's home.  So, our team spent all Mon and Tues with this Pastor and church members, sharing the Gospel in the neighborhood.  We were each paired up with a translator, and a church member and we all went to different parts of the neighborhood for door to door evangelism.  Here are some pictures of the neighborhood and some people we shared with:










It was incredible to see just how hospitable people were!  Almost all of them would invite me into their homes and allow me to sit in the nicest chair and put the fan directly on my face.  Each of them were interested in what I had to say and listened attentively.  We used an evangacube to share the Gospel which was a great tool to have.  It really keeps their attention as it shows pictures especially for the visual leaner.  When I was invited into a home, I usually started with a few get to know you questions and explained to them why I am here and that was to share my story and about my relationship with Jesus Christ.  I would then share my testimony with them, and then share the entire Gospel.  It was awesome being able to see the Lord changing their hearts and how the Lord has been moving in their lives way before we even got there.  I would then invite them to the church that we were working with in their neighborhood.  Each evening, they held a Bible Study for all the people in the neighborhood to come and learn how to study the Bible.  Everyone who came whether new believers or just seeking were broken into small groups which were led by the church leaders.  The groups were called Yo Soy Segundo which means I am Second.  We thought it was a great way to get new believers involved right away and teaching them how to study the Bible. 
After the evening Bible Study we were on our way back to the hotel to have dinner and then finally to get some rest.  By the time we would get back to the hotel after dinner was around 9:00-9:30, so there was not much free time as we were exhausted...but a good exhausted...

to be continued...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Our Colombia Mission Trip...how it all began

It's so hard to believe that we have been back from Colombia for 3 days now.  How is the trip that we were planning so long for, is already over?  It feels like just yesterday we were first telling people about it and raising our support.  From the moment that we felt the Lord leading us to go to Colombia with E3 Partners, we knew this was His will for us.  Justin and I have talked about going on a mission trip together from when we first started dating.  After the Lord brought us together, it didn't take long for us to know He was calling us to marriage.  So after a wedding, and settling into married life, we started talking about going on a mission trip again.  For those of you who don't know, I love foreign missions.  I spent 2 years in Central Asia as a missionary and loved it.  Justin has a huge heart for Evangelism.  The man has a gift that is so evident to me.  He is passionate about sharing the Gospel and it is something that has drawn us together.  After praying about where to go for our mission trip, we did a lot of research and just didn't know where or what we should do.  We knew we wanted to go somewhere where sharing the Gospel was the central part of the trip.  After a friend introduced us to E3 partners and told us about his experience, we started to do some research.  Sharing the Gospel and Evangelism was the entire purpose of the trip so we were drawn to it immediately.  We also heard some great things about the team leader and his leadership so we began to pray about going to Colombia to join their team.  Another reason why we were drawn to this organization is because they partner with local churches there and emphasize growing the Churches and doing follow up.  It was extremely strategic.  You don't just go to random neighborhoods, share the Gospel, and leave and no one ever sees these people again.  The churches there are very intentional about following up with all the people we talk to.  After much prayer, talking to wise counsel, and Justin having many conversations with the team leaders, we knew the Lord was leading us to this trip.   We then started raising our financial support and the Lord provided all our funds more quickly than we could ever have imagined!  The Lord was definitely at work!  We began praying, preparing, and packing....and before we knew it, July 2nd was here and we were on our way....

to be continued...