Callie's Birthday Celebration

Saturday, December 17th was Callie's Birthday.  Ever since the funeral was over, all I have thought about was how am I going to get through her birthday without her.  I just couldn't imagine it and I dreaded it for over 5 months.  I would cry every time I thought about it.  I would cry every time I saw other people celebrating their child's 2nd birthday.  The pain at times was unbearable.  I had thought so much about what would to we do this day.  At times we talked about doing nothing and just being at home the 3 of us.  At times we talked about doing something different and just being around other people.  At times Justin and I were on completely different pages on what we wanted to do.  I preferred being around people and he preferred being alone.  Even though it may not seem like a big deal, these "firsts" dates are really, really hard.  The reality is, the weeks leading up to a significant date in a loss can actually be harder than the actual day.  The anxiety and anticipation of the date is so hard.   I wanted to write to remember Callie's first Birthday in heaven and how we celebrated her life. 

After much discussion, Justin and I decided on having a casual celebration for Callie with our close friends who have been there for us through this difficult season.  We originally wanted to do it at a park, so it would feel more laid back, but the weather was crazy that weekend and predicted rain and I didn't want it to get rained out.  I think it worked out better doing it at our house in the long run.  I really wanted it to be as stress free as possible so I didn't do any food besides cake and drinks.  I didn't want it to feel like a big birthday party, but more like a celebration if that makes sense.

We knew that we wanted to spend part of the day with just the 3 of us and visiting her grave and just having some time alone.  Waking up was hard. It was hard not to picture what this day would have looked like if she was still with us.  The Lord is so good though and immediately after we started getting up and getting our day started, we had some neighbors come to our door.  They came with some balloons, a poem, and cards written by all different people in the neighborhood.  They told me  some neighbors have put up balloons outside their homes for Callie's Birthday.  It was so meaningful and special to us and the tears started flowing.  Right after that, I had another friend bring us over a homemade breakfast for our family.  Then shortly after that, we had another neighbor stop by to bring us a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  We already felt so loved and it was just 10am.  More importantly to me, I felt that Callie wasn't forgotten especially on her birthday.

Though we had a good morning, we did have a time of deep grieving.  We missed her so much.  We missed her running around our house and her voice and all her cuteness.  A sweet little 2 year old, I still can't believe she is 2 years old now.  We know that grieving and tears are sometimes necessary in our grief journey, but it did hit Cooper hard. My heart just hurts for him.  He also started crying hard and saying that he missed Callie.  We all hugged and cried and talked about how Callie is so happy with Jesus, but we are sad because we do miss her.

We then headed out to the store to pick up some things for Callie's Celebration and on our way out we started to see pink and white balloons outside some of our neighbors homes.  At first I thought it was just our cul da sac that had balloons out, but then we realized that it was a lot more than just that.  I could not stop crying as I kept seeing more pink and white balloons out.  It was so special and so sweet!  It was the small gesture that just spoke to me that Callie was not forgotten.  It's unbelievable how such a small gesture like this can be so meaningful.  We then got to the store and picked out some balloons to put on her grave stone.  Cooper picked out a Toy Story small balloon that reminded him of Callie since he was Woody and she was Jessie for Halloween last year.   After picking up some things we headed out to the cemetery to spend some time there.  Justin is always so diligent about cleaning her stone so he spent time doing that first, and attached some balloons to her flower vase.  We also put a Peppa Pig toy on her stone.  We tried to spend some time sharing our favorite memory of Callie, but Cooper was too busy digging in the dirt.  We were told that no matter how much we plan for a day like this, it will never go how you expected it to go....mainly because nothing will ever be good enough for a day like this.  We did sing Happy Birthday to Callie with tears running down our cheeks.  Justin always likes to have some alone time there at the end as it's a special time for him to think and pray so Cooper and I walked back to the car to give him some alone time. 

We then went back to our house to get ready for Callie's Birthday Celebration.  I went to pick up the rest of the balloons I ordered for the balloon release.  It was a very cloudy day outside without any sun most of the day.  On my way back home as I was about to pull into our neighborhood, I saw these rays of sunshine streaming down through the clouds that looked like they were going right into our neighborhood.  I didn't see the sun out the rest of the day.  I don't even know how to explain it, but it was like God telling me that he loves me.  He loves our family and Callie is with him.  She was our little ray of sunshine and she is with Jesus.  It  was a sweet moment for me.

Shortly after that we had our Birthday Celebration for Callie.  I tried to keep it as simple as possible to not add any stress to an already emotionally stressful day.  We had close friends come over and they all brought some helium balloons which was helpful. The kids played outside for awhile and then we wrote messages for Callie on some of the balloons.  We then went out to the cul da sac for the balloon release.  We all sang Happy Birthday to Callie and then released the balloons.  The kids seemed to enjoy it and it was beautiful to see all the balloons and the love floating up to the sky. After the balloon release, we came inside and ate some cake and the kids played some more.  It was a sweet time and nice way to honor Callie without it being too much or too stressful or overwhelming for us. Our good friend Josh put together a video of the celebration to send to us and it was so meaningful and something we will always treasure. 

We are so thankful for everyone who sent messages, cards, and texts that day. People who did small thoughtful things to celebrate Callie and remember her.  We know not every birthday will be like this, but it was a relief to get through her first one. Every single birthday without her will be hard. All the what ifs flood through your mind.  What would she be like?  What would she look like now?  What would our life be like if she was still with us?  It will never get easier.  And right after we got through this difficult day, we already started thinking about how we would ever get through July 4th.  It's interesting how these days are always on our minds.

Happy Birthday again my sweet Callie.  Words can't even describe the depths of pain we feel missing you and wishing you were here with us.  You have blessed our lives more than you know.  I know you had a beautiful birthday celebration in heaven.  And as silly as this sounds, I hope we made you proud celebrating and remembering you here.   

Happy 2nd Birthday Callie

My Dearest Callie,

Happy 2nd Birthday!  Today is your very first of many birthdays in heaven.  What an absolute JOY that must be for you to experience your birthday in heaven.  What a party you will have today.  I'm so thankful you are with Jesus, even though we miss you so much here on earth.  I know our earthy separation is temporary and I cannot wait to reunite again soon.

Though I know you are experiencing such JOY, we miss you so much, especially on your birthday.  I wish so badly I could have one more day with you.  I wish I could hug and kiss you, hold you, and talk with you one last time again.  I wonder what new words you would be saying right now.  You picked up on words so quickly, so I'm sure you would have had a huge vocabulary by now.  I wonder what changes in your personality I would have seen if you were still with us.  You were always so independent and had no fear, I'm sure you would be exploring the world around you every time you got a chance.  I wonder how beautiful the curls in your hair would look like.  I wonder how long your hair would be now.  I miss fixing it everyday in order to get it out of your face as it grew so much the last couple of months. I wonder what new toys you would be into right now.  You loved Peppa Pig the last month you were wth us especially and I always think of you every time I see it.  I wonder what kinds of trouble you and Cooper would get into.  You both loved making huge messes together.  He loved playing with you so much and I know he misses you.  I miss your sweet brother/sister relationship.  It was a true joy to watch.   I wonder what cute new winter outfits you would be wearing now.  And cute winter shoes as this would have been your first winter walking.  You would have loved the Christmas Tree and looking at christmas lights with us.  I'm sure you would still be a great sleeper and adventurous eater.  You made my job as your mom so easy.

You are missed so so much.  I'm thankful you don't have to experience the pain of missing us like we do with missing you.  There are so many moments when I still think I hear you crying in your room.  When I think you are waking up and I need to go get you.  When I think I hear your cute voice down the hallway.  But I instantly have to remember that you aren't here with us and it hurts so badly.  I wish I could have watched you grow up like everyone else gets to do with their daughters.  I wish I could have seen your personality blossom over the years to come.  But God had a different plan for all our lives than what we ever expected.  And as much as that pains me, I am again so thankful you are with Jesus, experiencing the most amazing things anyone could ever experience.

Happy Birthday again my beautiful daughter!  You are so so loved by many people.  Your daddy and brother especially love you SO much.  We miss you every second of everyday.  I thank the Lord for allowing me to be your mommy for 18 short months.  I so wish it could have been longer, but for now I just want to say we will see you very soon!  xoxoxoxo

My Face Smiles While my Heart Grieves

I heard this phrase the other day and it stuck with me.  So much truth with those words.  My face smiles,  and I'm "going on" with life.  I have a son to raise and love on, I'm cooking, cleaning and doing all the normal things again, but my heart is grieving everyday.  It's been awhile since I have written, as a part of me has so much to say but I don't know how to say it.  I don't feel like sitting and getting my thoughts out, though I know I should.  This is such a difficult time of year for us.  It's been 5 months now since we lost our Callie, and the days don't get easier.  I still find myself in shock on some days, just really can't believing that this actually happened.  The holidays are extremely hard, especially with her birthday being the week before Christmas.

I have never experienced grief like this before and it is a very unique and strange experience.  It's completely exhausting.  Going to Grief Share has been one of the best things we are doing right now.  I will probably write a whole post about it later after we finish, but we are learning so much about grief and how is is necessary to face it, talk about it, cry and grieve to move forward in our grief.  Everyone grieves differently and now I see how grief can be very silent.  So many people walking around smiling, while on the inside their hearts are broken.  And it's not that they are trying to fake it or be someone they aren't...it's just that you can't physically cry and mourn in public everyday.  You can't talk about your loss with everyone everyday.  It's just not realistic.  And as hard as it is when people sometimes pretend like nothing happened, I know that it is a part of life.  It's almost a reminder to me of how many people are struggling or grieving in silence, because no one really knows what's going on in everyone's life.  And though everyone knows we experienced a tremendous loss, and everyone knows we are hurting, it is still a silent grief.  My face smiles, but my heart grieves.   Everyone grieves differently, but I also think there are some similarities to our grief of a loved one.  To me, Grief has been...

• Being late to a lot of things because I couldn't stop crying long enough to put on my makeup.  
• Having to stop listening to music in the car because every song would make me cry and I didn't want to be a crying mess when I arrived somewhere.
• Speaking of the car, I seem to cry the most in the car.  It's where I have complete silence with just my thoughts.  I think about July 4th in the car.  I think about her in the back seat.  My  mind won't stop running because I'm not doing anything or thinking about anything.  
• I can be crying all the way to someones house, and then arrive with a smile on my face
• My pillow is wet a lot from my tears
• Family pictures and Christmas cards are everywhere saying how "blessed" they are, and wishing us a happy and wonderful Christmas.  It stings especially not acknowledging that this won't be a very happy and wonderful Christmas for us.  My face smiles at the pretty picture, but my heart grieves over our broken family. 
• Our sweet baby boy will kick me in the womb and it brings me great joy and a smile, but it also makes me sad that Callie isn't here to be his big sister
• Dealing with her room, everyday. Not knowing when I should do anything with it and how to go about transitioning a new baby here.  It has been extremely stressful and one of the hardest things to cope with outside of losing her.  
• Putting on my sunglasses in the middle of chicfila with my son because I missed her so much and couldn't stop the tears in public. 

Those are just small examples.  The Lord has softened my heart so much for grieving people.  Not just for those who have lost a child, but who have lost a loved one in general.  It's so so hard.  I have learned more than I ever wanted to learn on grief.  I feel horrible of how I probably ignored people's grief previously in my life, I just had no idea.  It helps me give others grace who have unintentionally been hurtful by ignoring our grief.   I love it when people still talk about Callie and bring her up by name.  I know it can seem strange, but it is comforting to hear her name and to know she isn't forgotten.  I don't want people to pretend she didn't exist, and if you say something that makes me cry, please don't feel bad!  It is more hurtful to pretend that nothing happened.  

Though my grief can be silent and painful, God's Grace has been sufficient.  I am absolutely amazed at how I'm able to function and that is only by God's Grace.  I have seen the Lord use people in my life and seen him place our family in the right community of people at the exact moment that we needed it.  I know there is purpose in this pain.  I know I have to trust the Lord when I don't understand.  He is good and sovereign.  But even with knowing this and truly believing that God is good and is doing a great work in our lives, my heart grieves....and always will.