Tracy's Favorites of 2011

I find myself every year saying "I can't believe how fast this year has gone by".  I really don't know if it's because I'm older now or what, but each year goes by faster than the one before.  This year in particular definitely flew by!  I always enjoy looking back on the year and reflecting on all that had happened, and all that I have learned.  It's no secret that this has been a very hard year for me, so in a way I'm not too sad to say goodbye to 2011.  But as I look back, I can't help but give thanks to the Lord for all that He has done.  I am especially grateful for my husband.  Our first full year of marriage and it was pretty amazing!  I can't praise the Lord enough for answering a specific prayer and bringing Justin and I together.  Now here are some of my other favorites of 2011:

Favorite Movie of 2011: Courageous

Justin and I both loved this movie.  Justin is very strict with the movies he watches and likes watching movies with good values, which is hard to come by these days.  I really respect this about him.  Christian movies have gotten a pretty bad rap with the acting and low budget, but I would have to say I didn't notice either one of those in this movie. I thought the acting was great and the movie was very well made.  Or maybe the story is so good that you just don't notice it at all.  If you haven't seen the movie, go rent it or buy it when it comes out.  It's funny, sad (have the tissues ready), and has a great story.  You won't be disappointed! 

Favorite Book of 2011:
This was really hard to pick a favorite since I've read many good books this year, though not as many as I have wanted.  I also started a few books that I just couldn't finish. Out of all the books I read, I think the one I learned the most from was:

I wrote a blog post about this a few months ago so I won't go into more detail.  To learn more about the book, you can go here to my previous post. 

Favorite Album of 2011:

I really can't say enough about this album. I.Love.It.  It's the Passion Album titled Here for You.  If you don't have it on your itunes already, get it!  I love every song on it and have it playing while I work out all the time.  That leads me to my next favorite:

Favorite Song of 2011:

My favorite song is of course on the album Here for You.  It's called Always.  I had this song on repeat the morning of my 1st miscarriage and the morning I went in to have my D&C procedure.  The song was repeating in my head the entire day.  Here are some of the lyrics:

Trouble surrounds me
Chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
Always
I lift my eyes up
My help comes from the Lord

Favorite Work Out Video of 2011:

I love this workout video.  I have 2 of her other videos that are also really good but are 45 minutes long.  I love this 30 day shred because the workouts are just 20 minutes and are perfect for a busy day.  I try to workout 4 to 5 days a week and when I don't have time, I just pop this video in and it definitely counts as my work out!  I also like it because it combines cardio, strength and abs so you are doing it all in 20 minutes.  And yes, you are sweating when you're finished.  And that leads me to my next favorite:

Favorite TV Show of 2011 (my guilty pleasure):

I actually just got into this show this year and dragged Justin down with me.  He loves it now too :)  I don't know why we like it so much but it's really the only show we keep up with now especially since Justin is busy with school.  It's definitely inspiring and I get attached to the people on there.  The producers also do a good job of adding the drama to it.  It starts up again on Tuesday and we can't wait! 

Favorite Famous Wedding of 2011:

Ever since planning my own wedding, I've been a little obsessed with watching wedding shows (I love Say Yes to the Dress and any type of wedding shows, it's ridiculous).  I just get so happy for others planning their weddings and think it is so fun.  I even think it would be fun to work at a bridal salon or be a wedding planner one day!  Okay, I digress.  I tried hard to not get all wrapped into the Royal Wedding, but I just couldn't help it.  The wedding was on a Friday morning airing at 4am.  Since Justin and I both had that Friday off, I decided to record it and watch it when I wake up.  Well, I just so happened to wake up around 4:30 and couldn't resist.  I crawled quietly out of bed, made some coffee and snuggled on the coach and watched the whole thing.  Justin woke up around 6:30 wondering where I was and ended up watching it with me!  What a good husband :) 

Favorite Article I read in 2011:

I love reading blogs and great articles online.  Sometimes I can spend a little too much time doing it :)  After my 1st miscarriage, I found myself surfing the web about miscarriages as it encouraged me to hear other women's stories.  I stumbled upon this article: Suffering a miscarriage in Silence
This article was my inspiration for wanting to write about my miscarriages on my blog.  I never would have thought about it before reading this.  I was heartbroken at the thought of so many women suffering in silence and not having the freedom to talk about their loss.  I also realized that I had no idea how deep the pain was until I suffered it myself.  I am so thankful the Lord led me to talk openly about it and pray that it will be an encouragement to women who face this pain in the future.

Favorite Getaway of 2011:

Bed and Breakfast in the Hill Country!!

Justin & I stayed at Biscuit Hill in Canyon Lake for our 1 year anniversary and loved it.  It was our first B&B and we really loved being outdoors and having a relaxing weekend together.  Justin was a little skeptical about going to a B&B ("what will we do??") but he even says how much he loved it!  If you're looking for a place to getaway, I highly recommend this place:  Biscuit Hill B&B

Favorite Milestone of 2011:

And last, but not least....our Favorite Milestone of 2011 is...drum roll please....

We bought a house!!  It's being built as we speak and we are scheduled to close around the beginning of February!  More details on the house coming soon!

Hope you all enjoy your last day of 2011...Happy New Year! 

 

Christmas 2011

It's hard to believe that Christmas has already come and gone!  Every year there is a huge build up and then it goes by so fast.  We spent this Christmas with my side of the family since we were in Austin with Justin's family last Christmas.  We had a great time! 

We had a yummy Mexican theme Christmas Eve dinner, played some cards, and opened up some gifts! 

Then on Christmas Day, my nephew came over and we opened up more gifts with him and had a wonderful Christmas lunch that my mom made.

Peyton loved his helicopter that his daddy gave him!



Peyton helping Uncle Justin open his gift



Justin and I gave Peyton one of those Hallmark recordable books, where you can record your voice reading the book to him.  We included a few personal things in there so it was hilarious recording it, what seemed like 100 times because we kept messing up.  I think we had more fun recording the book than Peyton did listening to it...he will appreciate it one day!  But how can a book compete with a remote control helicopter anyway?  :)  



The boys playing with the toys!



If you know Justin, you know he is a die hard Aggie and has been pretty consumed this season with the Aggies going to the SEC and the Aggies hiring a new coach.  He stayed on top of the sports media when rumors were starting with who the Aggies would hire as their new coach.  Justin thought about it so much, that he even had a dream that A&M made HIM the new head football coach...say what?!?!  I told him that this is definitely a sign that he has been thinking about this just a little too much.  Of course days later they hired Sumlin, who Justin was pleased with...thank goodness!  So here is a gift from my parents as a little joke to Justin:

A Texas A&M football visor with the words "Coach" that my mom put on there! 

Coach Cummings...has a nice ring to it...

And then we had a little Happy Birthday Jesus Party for Peyton.  Just a small way to teach Him the entire meaning of Christmas.

It was a great Christmas and I am so thankful for my husband, my family and my Savior, Jesus Christ!



God, Where Were You? Part 2

The Holidays really are such a fun time of year!  I have always loved Christmas.  I love the meaning of Christmas, the parties, the decorations, and I especially love coming home to our Christmas tree everyday.  I love the music, the food, the baking, and being with family.  I love traditions and making new traditions with my husband.  It really is such a special season.  But with all the fun and excitement, there are definitely people around us everywhere that Christmas is a hard time for them.  It might be that first Christmas without their loved one.  It might be another Christmas of being single and having your great aunt ask once again "why aren't your married yet?"  It might be your first Christmas overseas as a missionary away from all your family and friends.  Or it might be another Christmas that goes by that you have no children to buy gifts for.  This Christmas, I would have been almost 8 months pregnant.  It's hard to not think about it everyday.  I remember back in the summer thinking about the Christmas cards we could send out with some cute belly pictures.  I had already pictured what our lives would be like at this time of year, and it's now nothing what I thought it would be.  But through the sadness that comes during this time of year, the Lord has reminded me, "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you."

Going back to the story of Lazarus (see previous post for part 1), another very powerful verse that spoke to me was the shortest verse in the Bible.  John 11:35 says "Jesus wept."  I found this verse incredibly comforting to me for various reasons.  I don't believe that Jesus wept because Lazarus died....he knew Lazarus was going to die and He also knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead.  Verse 33 says that when Jesus saw Mary weeping, he was deeply moved, and he wept.  I love that Jesus fully understands the grief that Mary and Martha are experiencing.  He knows when we hurt.  He understands why we hurt as he was fully flesh.  He doesn't just say "Don't you know this is for your good??  Just get over it!"  There were times during my grief that I would feel extremely guilty for feeling so sad.  I was believing the lie that because I'm sad, I'm not trusting God.  It brought me great comfort to know that the Lord truly has compassion on me.  He loves me, as he loved Mary and Martha.  He is deeply moved for me as He was with Mary and Martha.  This doesn't give me the excuse to complain and mope everyday, but it does bring me comfort to know that during this holiday season, when I'm reminded of where we would be if our babies had lived, He understands.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses.

I am so thankful that over the past 5 months, the Lord has showed me not only that this trial is for His glory and my good, but also that He cares.  That He has compassion and gives me grace to walk through it.  That He is a God of truth.  That he hasn't abandoned me.  That He is near even when I don't sense it.  That He is my healer, and He wants to help me grow to know and trust Him more.  Even when I don't hear from Him in the way I desire, He is there--listening, caring, feeling my pain.  Thank you Lord!

God, Where Were You?

While I was reading the Devotional "Grieving the Child I never knew" there was one particular entry that stood out to me the most.  It was on the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  I have always loved this story in the Bible as there is so much to learn from it.  For those of you who may not be familiar with the Story found in John 11, Lazarus was very sick and he had 2 sisters, Mary and Martha. Verse 5 says,  "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, so when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed 2 days longer."  Say what?  Jesus seems to ignore Mary and Martha's plea for help and stayed 2 days without going to see Lazarus.  We then find out that Lazarus did indeed die and had been in the tomb 4 days by the time Jesus came to see him.  The first thing Martha said was, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  Then in verse 32  Mary fell at Jesus's feet and said "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." Of course, that's not the end of the story.  Jesus then goes to the tomb and says to Martha "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"  He then says to God in verse 42,  "I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me."   He then raises Lazarus from the dead!  The reason?  For His Glory!

Have any of you been in a situation where you cried out to God, "Lord were are (were) you??"  A time where you ask God to come near, but He kept you waiting and wondering? I know I have recently...twice. The day before our 1st baby died, I knew that it was possible I was miscarrying.  I prayed and cried out to God all day long to please heal and save our baby.  During my 2nd pregnancy, I knew for 2 weeks that our baby wasn't doing well and that I may miscarry again.  2 weeks of crying out to God.  2 weeks of sadness, hope, frustration, disappointment, faith, and all different emotions.  I cried and prayed for the Lord to perform a miracle.  Throughout this difficult time, I had thoughts of "Lord, where were you? You had the power to save our baby.  Why did you allow me to be pregnant twice, when you would take them both away from me? Why didn't you answer my prayer?"   The reason?  For His Glory!

I felt that I could totally relate to Mary and Martha in the scriptures when they cried out to Jesus "if only you would have been here".  They know Jesus was more than able to save Lazarus and heal him. They also knew that Jesus loved them.  And when the sisters asked Jesus for help, Jesus chose to wait.  He chose not to respond.  They probably couldn't understand why He hadn't at least acknowledged their request. They may have felt abandoned at a time when they needed Jesus most.  Was he being cruel to them?  Absolutely not.  He was waiting to respond until Lazarus was dead so that God could be glorified in a greater way (John 11:4)

The Lord had not responded in the way I had asked or wanted and I realize that is a part of the Christian life.  God's plan is so much better than ours, even when we don't understand it.  Just because He didn't respond in the way and timing that I expected, it doesn't mean He has abandoned me, or doesn't care. 
As a strong believer in the sovereignty of God, I knew His plan was good and perfect for me.  And it is only by Faith and God's grace that I can continue to press on and trust in Him.  Perhaps God just wants me to learn to trust Him through the silence.  He wants to reveal Himself to me in a different way.  I'm learning to listen and to wait.  I'm praying that the Lord would use me to comfort others who go through this pain.  I know without a doubt this pain is for His glory. 

When Lazarus died, Mary and Martha were devastated.  But then Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.  And through that, many Jews who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him (John 11:45).  My study Bible points out that John did not record Lazarus's reaction or any of the aftermath of his raising, except for the fact that many Jews believed in him as a result of seeing this miracle.   It's so simple...the focus is on Jesus, not Lazarus.  I pray that the focus of our pain would be on Jesus. 

***sidenote:  I have a lot more to say about this passage, so I decided to break it up into 2 parts...since this is already way too long and no one likes to read long blog posts!  ***

Unfulfilled Longings

I believe there are times when we will all experience unfulfilled longings. Sometimes the longings are brief, and sometimes they can last years.  During the 2 week period when Justin and I were waiting and praying for our little baby to make it, I read this devotional about Unfulfilled longings.  It brought great encouragement to me.  Just another example of how God's timing is so perfect:

"What does a heart in pain do with unfilled longing?  Wallow in self-pity?  Cry itself to sleep? There just aren't many options.  An unfulfilled desire is one of the deepest pains we can know.  It can challenge our identity and destroy our hope.  Do Christians struggle with unfulfilled longings?  Of course.  We like to think God is the center of our lives at all times, and all desires pale in comparison to him.  But passionate hearts aren't so easily tamed.  In our best moments, God may reign supreme and all other desire pale.  But we didn't lose our humanity when we were redeemed.  And our humanity still longs for what it can't have.  We can rebuke ourselves, of course, and tell ourselves that we've gotten our focus off of God.  We may be entirely right, but a rebuke doesn't usually satisfy us.  If our dreams are still unfulfilled and our cravings are intense, right answers won't help.  Even when they're wrong cravings-and they often are-we can take them to God.  There's no need to flee.  He understands how the human heart longs.

All our longings lie open before God, even when we don't want them to.  But it's best to let them lie honestly before Him, regardless of whether they are good or bad, right or wrong, godly or painfully human.  The God who created our hearts understands them.  He know how they hurt.  and He wants us to open them up before Him.  Do you long for the right spouse, a precious child, a meaningful career, a healed relationship, a different situation than you no find yourself in?  Welcome to life as a human being.  God may or may not fulfill that specific desire, although you can rest assured that He fully intends to fulfill the needs behind it.  In the meantime lay yourself bare before Him.  Don't hide your sighs.  Trust that the God who made you for Himself plans to fill you with Himself, with blessings beside. His timing isn't yours, but His love is.  Open yourself to it, even when it hurts."

The Silent Pain of Miscarriage...part 2

It's really hard to believe that I'm sitting here writing about our 2nd miscarriage.  I still feel like I will wake up from this nightmare that we have been living in the past few months and realize it's all just a bad dream.  But it's not a dream, and in fact we are facing the pain of having a 2nd miscarriage in a row.  Through the horrendous pain, the Lord has blessed us in many ways and has been so good to us.  I was only 6 weeks along this time, compared to being 10 weeks along last time.  I also went into the Doctor immediately after finding out we were pregnant again to get some blood testing done to see how the baby was doing.  Though I was understandably guarded, I had such faith that this pregnancy would go smoothly and we would be welcoming our little Junebug into the world around June 22nd.  I only had about 3 days to be excited about this pregnancy as I received that dreaded phone call that said my baby might not make it.  2 weeks later, our baby went home to be with the Lord.  It was 2 very painful weeks, going to the Doctor 4 different times, doing everything we could to save this pregnancy.  Every phone call I received, I was on pins and needles just praying for some good news, which I never received.  I had my closest family and friends praying for a miracle, that the Lord would shock the Doctors and the statistics and that our baby would be okay.  Though I may never understand this side of heaven, His plan was not to save our baby.  And His plan is better than we could ever imagine.  I remember going through the long 2 weeks of waiting, hoping, crying, and praying..asking the Lord to let the wait be over.  The unknown was so difficult to walk through.  It definitely was longer than what I wanted, but it could have been much, much longer.  So now a week later, I am sorting through all my mess of emotions, all while trying to continue through normal life.

I remember during that 2 weeks span, I kept telling people "I cannot go through another miscarriage, I just can't do it."  I knew how painful my first one was and I just didn't think I had anymore tears left in me or emotional strength to go through this a 2nd time.  But I remember my dear friend telling me, "you can't imagine it now because you're not going through it yet.  God will give you the grace to go through the pain if it happens."  She was exactly right.  God promises that He will give us the grace we need to go through all the pain, disappointment, suffering, and heartache we experience.  And somehow, here I am a week later, going through another heartache of losing a child...and it is only by God's grace that I can even write about it again.  It's only by His grace that I can even see all the blessings that He has poured out to us during this time. 

So as of now, I am taking it one day at a time.  Today was a good day.  I was filled with unexplainable joy and hope.  Yesterday was a bad day, filled with hurt, discouragement and fear.  But through my different emotions that seem to always be changing, I know one thing for sure: God is good. He is sovereign.  He never changes.  As I say to the kids before teaching a lesson from the Bible:  This is God's word, and it is ALWAYS true.  God fulfills his promises.  Will we ever have children?  I don't know.  What I do know is that HE has put this desire in our hearts to be parents and HE will fulfill it in the best way possible.  It may not be the way I want it to be fulfilled, but it is THE best way for the perfect plan HE has for us.  And what can I do now?  Trust Him.  Believe Him.  Meditate on Truth.  Cry out to Him.  Fight the urge to dwell in self pity.  Fight for joy.  Grow to Love Jesus more. 

The verse I have been clinging to during this time is Psalm 37:3-7
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit you way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act.  he will bring forth righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...

I pray that I will trust the Lord, Delight in Him, Commit my way to the Lord, be still before Him and wait patiently for Him.  I have definitely fallen short of doing these things many times, but I am thankful that God is teaching me and growing me during this time. 

To my little Junebug-It's pretty amazing the bond I felt with you just after 2 short weeks.   I wish I could have held you. I wish I could have seen what you looked like.  What joy it will be to meet you one day! 

I have told Justin many times that we have something extra to look forward to when we get to heaven....now we have even more to look forward to...seeing our 2 babies for the first time. 

Shepherding a Child's Heart

This book has been on my shelf for awhile and I'm so glad I finally got around to reading it!  I can't say enough good things about it.



I read this book for 2 reasons.  One is that I deal with discipline issues weekly at my job and am constantly talking to kids who don't have disciple at home.  I so wish I had read this book 3 years ago!  I also read the book as it is my desire to be a stay at home mom one day, and I know I will be going to the book as a resource many time raising my own children.  Some people may think the book is only for older children, but I'm actually glad I read it before having children.  It really helps with my mindset of focusing on the overflow of the heart which is the "why" instead of the "what" of behavior.  We all know that you can see a child's sinful nature at a very young age.  The book also talks about how your parenting goal cannot simply be well behaved children. Your children must also understand why they sin and how to recognize internal change.  Their bad behavior reflects the heart...so having them change their behavior doesn't necessarily change their heart.  That is not easy to do and definitely takes time. 

Here are just a few of my favorite quotes from the book:

"As a parent, you must exercise authority. You must  require obedience of your children because they are called by God to obey and honor you.  You must exercise authority, not as a cruel taskmaster, but as one who truly loves them."

"If you correct and discipline your children because God mandates it, then you need not clutter up the task with your anger. Correction is not displaying your anger at their offenses:  it is rather reminding them that their sinful behavior offends God.  It is bringing his censure of sin to these subjects of his realm.  He is the King.  They must obey." 

"The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever;  therefore, your objective in every context must be to set a biblical worldview before your children.  From the earliest days, they must be taught that they are creatures made in the image of God--made for God. They must learn that they will "find themselves" as they find Him."

"The central focus of childrearing is to bring children to a sober assessment of themselves as sinners.  The cross of Christ must be the central focus of your childrearing."

"God has given two methods for childrearing.  They are communication and the rod.  These methods must be woven together in your practice.  Your children need to be known and understood.  Thus, rich communication is necessary.  They are also need authority and firmness.  Thus, the rod is necessary. The rod functions to underscore the importance of the things you talk about with them"

"Obedience means more than a child doing what he is told.  It means doing what he is told without challenge, without excuse and without delay. If you accept other responses, you are training your children to disobey."

"The way you respond to disappointment with your authorities in the society, at the job, and in the church, teaches your children how to be under authority.  The attitudes you display teach either biblical submission or unbiblical independence and rebellion."

"God has promised that children who honor and obey will have things go well for them and will enjoy long life on the earth. Obviously, the child who submits to parental authority is richly blessed." 

There is also a lot of great information about spanking that is just too much to write in here.  It explains the when, how, and why of spanking and has some great insights.  The book also states that the rod is primary because God has commanded it.  If you fail to spank, you fail to take God's word seriously.  God calls parents to spank their children.

I also love the insight the book gives on raising teenagers.  Though that is very far off for us, I have always loved working with teenagers and learned a lot from reading those chapters as well.  I love how the book emphasizes that the most powerful way to keep your children from being drawn to the world or wicked actions is to make home an attractive place to be.  "Young people generally do not run from places where they are loved and know unconditional acceptance.  They do not run from home where there are solid relationships.  They do not run from homes in which the family is planning activities and doing exciting things."

I pray that I will strive to raise children in church and in my own home who display the greatness, goodness, and glory of  God.  I pray that they will understand that the greatest delight they can ever experience is found in delighting in the God who has made them for His glory. 

Celebrating our first anniversary

Yes, I know I already posted about our 1 year anniversary but since I'm such a sentimentalist I had to put some pics up.  We first had our getaway celebration 2 weeks before our actual anniversary because it was our only free weekend we had to do it.  I love Bed and Breakfasts and Justin and I had never been to one together before.  I researched lots of them in the Hill country and found one I thought we both would like.  Since Justin is working so hard with grad school on top of working a very stressful job, we just wanted to get away and relax and not have anything planned.  We spent 2 nights in the Bed & Breakfast in Canyon Lake.  Our big, cozy room had a balcony overlooking the lake that was beautiful. 

There was also deer everywhere that we could feed at anytime. 

We went to lots of amazing restaurants that the B&B recommended and visited a winery which was also a fun experience.  We walked around a lot and just enjoyed quality time together and being outdoors.  It was relaxing, romantic, fun and a great way to celebrate our 1st anniversary together.

Then on our actually anniversary, October 2nd, we went to a very romantic restaurant called Michelangelo's here in Houston. 



We then went to the Omni hotel where my family and bridesmaids stayed the night before our wedding and where Justin and I stayed on our wedding night.  They gave us a free room to use on our anniversary which was awesome!  The service there is amazing and they had chocolate covered strawberries there waiting for us.  And of course we also had our cake topper that my mom froze for us to eat on our 1 year anniversary.  Though Justin may have been skeptical...it definitely tasted just as good.  I forgot how good that cake was! 

We also walked around outside since the grounds is so beautiful there.  We went back to the bench where we prayed together the night before our wedding when he dropped me off after our rehearsal dinner.  Oh memories!!



I'm so thankful for a wonderful hubby and a great first year together! 

1 Year Anniversary

October 2, 2010 We said I Do

We did it!  We made it through our 1st year of marriage!

I really can't believe Justin and I have been married a year already.  It feels like just yesterday we were busily planning our wedding.  Of course the days seem to crawl by so slowly when we were engaged, but after we got married, it just flew by.  I still remember our wedding day so vividly as it was not only the best day of my life but also the most fun I have ever had!  I had a blast at our wedding and am just so thankful for a special day to look back on.

Everyone says the first year is the hardest and in some ways it was...and in other ways it seemed so natural. Though it was hard at times, I am more madly in love with Justin than I was a year ago and I am just so thankful the Lord brought us together!

Justin and I have been through a lot during our first year and have already made many special memories together.  We have gone through good times and hard times but are definitely closer through it all. Here are some of the big moments of year one:

• Moving into our first place together!
• First vacation together-our amazing honeymoon
• First Thanksgiving and Christmas together
• Made some big decisions together
• Justin applied and was accepted into grad school
• Joined a newlywed class at church
• Visited Justin's grandparents in McAllen
• Went on a road trip to San Antonio and Fredricksburg
• Went on our first mission trip together
• Found out we were pregnant
• Grieved the loss of our first baby
• Justin starting grad school
• Joined our first fantasy football team
• Stayed at our first B&B together for our 1 year anniversary

Looking back, it's hard to believe that all of that happened during our first year.  We may not be the best example of "taking a year off" during your first year of marriage, but we know this was all apart of God's plan for us and we have grown so much closer through it all.  I am just so thankful I am able to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.  Happy Anniversary Justin, looking forward to spending many many more years together! I'm crazy about you! 

Are you ready for some football?

Well, Fall is finally here and we all know what that means....no, not cooler weather...but yes, football!  I do love the fall season as everyone is back to school, the nice smells of fall goodies baking, the pumpkin spice latte back at Starbucks, and watching some football on TV.  Maybe cooler weather will come at some point, but it's not looking too good so far.  Though I wouldn't call myself a crazy football fan, I do love watching football, especially for being a girl.  Justin says all the time how lucky he is to have a wife who enjoys watching sports, but I just tell him to thank my dad for that one!  We kicked off the football season by joining our very first fantasy football team together.  My brother and dad have played fantasy football for many years now so I have heard all about it, but have never played myself.  Now that I'm married, I guess they finally trust me to join a league :)  My brother started a new league with some family and friends to join so Justin and I have our first team together.  Or should I say Justin's team, since he really didn't listen to anything I said when we were drafting.  I had all the papers ready and all the stats of who the best players were to draft and I would tell him who to pick based by the rankings..seems pretty logical right?  But every player I would "advise" him to pick he would tell me about his "hunch" to pick someone else and then list a 100 different reasons and stats as to why to pick this different player. I knew my hubby knows sports, but I was pretty blown away by his sports knowledge during the draft.  How in the world does he remember every detail of a random player on a team no one cares about to persuade him to pick him?  Anyway, we got through the draft based on many "hunches" and I realized I definitely don't know football near as much as I thought I did.  I guess I can tell you at the end of the season how much his "hunch" paid off for us.  So far we are 1-2 so it's not looking too hot....

The start of the football season also means watching our dear Aggies play!  Oh how I love watching Aggie football.  Justin was able to go to the first game of the season and he was pumped about it. I love that I married a die hard Aggie....even if that means that all we have talked about over the past 2 months was the SEC.  Not sure if I even knew what exactly the SEC was until 2 months ago....but I sure know all about it now!   And as of yesterday, it actually became official that the Aggies are in fact joining the SEC and I am just so thankful my hubby can now in fact sleep well at night again!

Justin and I also went to our very first Texans game together a few weeks ago.  I bought him Texans tickets for his birthday since he has never been to a game before.  I loved the look on his face when he opened his gift and saw 2 Texans tickets...he was very surprised and so excited!  We went to the first game of the season and they creamed the Colts. We had a blast! 

And to top it all off, the Fighin' Texas Aggie band played during halftime!  It was awesome singing the Aggie War Hymn in the Texas stadium.  Too bad I was sitting next to a tacky Longhorn fan that cussed and yelled every 5 seconds...but it just made me whoop every louder.

And that was just September!  I'm looking forward to more fun months ahead during the rest of this football season. 

Happy Birthday Justin!

August 20th is a great day...it's my wonderful hubby's birthday!  It has been a rough couple of months for us and my husband has been nothing but loving, patient and supportive of me through this time.  To honor my dear husband for his birthday, I wanted to share the top things I have learned from him over the past 3 years of knowing him, in no particular order...drum roll please...

• It is possible to be competitive and not get upset when you lose
• Establishing a solid friendship before dating actually is a great idea
• Sharing the Gospel with strangers is not as scary as it seems
• It really doesn't matter what people think of you
• Being a man of integrity is of high importance
• Being sweet and sensitive is manly (and makes for a great husband!)
• Fish really does taste good
• Forgiving quickly and not holding grudges is a great godly quality
• Being optimistic really is better than being "realistic"
• Marrying another Aggie really is the best way to go!
• There are actually good boys from Austin :)
• Patience is a virtue
• Evangelism is a lifestyle, not just something you do on a mission trip
• Taking time to make a decision is wise
• Theology is of great importance
• Being good at every sport is actually possible
• Humility is very attractive
• It's good to let things go and not allow them to bother you
• The Aggies should join the SEC
• The Gospel should be the center of everything we do
• We really are perfect for each other (I actually learned that one on my own) 

Happy Birthday Justin!  I praise the Lord for your life and for bringing us together.  I'm just crazy about you!

Grieving the Child I Never Knew

It's hard to believe that it's been over a month since we lost our baby.  It has definitely been one of the hardest months for me.  I don't think I have ever remembered crying so much or so often.  Right when I think things are getting back to "normal" there is something that will  remind me of our loss and my heart aches.  I have felt like an emotional roller coaster this month and I have been more thankful for my husband for being incredibly patient and loving to me through my emotions and crazy hormones.  Something that has really helped me process through my pain is reading the devotional "Grieving the Child I never knew"

I highly recommend  this book to anyone who has experienced a loss of a baby.  This book was recommended to me by a dear college friend who has lost 2 precious babies and been through worse pain than I have.  The author of the book has had 3 miscarriages and one baby that died at birth.   At first I was very hesitant to read it as these 2 women especially have been through way worse pain that I could ever imagine, which led me to minimize my pain and to even feel guilty for reading it.  But when I opened up to the introduction, I knew the Lord was speaking to me. She started the book with these words:

"I never knew this child fully, so why do I grieve so deeply?  I never held this tiny baby, never saw the sleeping face, never locked eyes and gazed into the soul of this little person.  Yet, I feel as if a part of me died and left a void in my being.  Most people don't seem to understand and minimize my loss instead of validating my pain for losing this nameless child.  Will I always feel so lonely and misunderstood?  Is it normal to mourn someone I never knew?  How can I move beyond the hurt and begin to hope again?  Only when I gave myself permission to grieve the loss of my child did I begin to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and start to heal" 

After the first paragraph, I was hooked.  That was almost word for word what I've been thinking and feeling.  I knew I needed to give myself permission to grieve even if many women have experienced deeper hurt than me.  I needed to allow myself to grieve though people all over the world are going through far worse grief than me.  Yes, I do have a TON to be thankful for, and have recognized this throughout this entire experience.  But it still doesn't take away the hurt of losing my child.  Though I could choose to just move on and sweep my feelings under a rug and keep myself busy, I know that I need to allow my heart to grieve and heal.  Through the help of this book, it has done just that.  I'm only about half way through the book, but I have pages and pages of notes in my journal of everything the Lord has taught me through it. Reading through it is definitely not easy, in fact, I find myself avoiding it somedays because I just don't want to think about it or I don't have the emotional energy it takes to go through it.  I have to choose wisely the days I decide to pick it up and make sure I have plenty of time to think, process, pray and journal through it.  But the Lord has brought so much healing through this devotional.  Though people around me have moved on and I don't talk about the loss very much anymore, I am thankful for the sweet moments I have with the Lord who understands every emotion that I'm feeling.  I sometimes feel like the book was written just for me, and that is just one small way the Lord has again shown His Faithfulness to me. 

I feel as if there is this dark cloud over me that no one else can see but me. I know the cloud will eventually fade, but until then I know there is a purpose for the cloud, and that is for Christ's name to be lifted high.   At the beginning I was just praying for the cloud to lift, but I now realize that the Lord will lift it in His perfect timing.  I now pray that the Lord would be glorified through the dark cloud.  My prayer each day is that I would learn to love Jesus more through this pain, that I would have a teachable spirit, grow in my marriage, and for the Lord to be glorified through this trial.  I know I may never see all the good the Lord is doing in my life or through others, but I believe He is doing a work that is far greater than I could ever imagine! 

Glory Baby

To help me process and grieve the loss of our baby, I have listened to this song by Watermark called "Glory Baby" which has brought me such comfort.  I pray for all the other families who have experienced this pain will be comforted by these words:

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…



I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you

His Mercies are New Every Morning

Yesterday was a good day and a day that I will always remember.  And I truly believe it was because of everyone praying for us.  I first want to thank everyone for their overwhelming love, prayers and encouragement to me as I expressed my heart of the pain I was feeling over the loss of our baby.  Thursday, the day I wrote my blog, it was a week exactly since we heard our heartbreaking news.  And it was also the hardest day I had had yet, emotionally.  It seems that everyday, my emotional pain got worse and worse and I feared that it would never lift.  I decided to write about it and hesitated if I should even post it as I was being incredibly vulnerable.  But I just knew that for me, I needed to talk about it.  After posting my blog Thursday night, I was overwhelmed by the messages, e-mails and responses.  I had so many women tell me their stories and the pain that they went through.  It was all completely the Lord as he brought people to bring me such encouragement and hope.  That Friday morning I woke up and immediately felt different....I just knew more people were praying for me.  The Lord had given me such peace.  Justin had the day off and so we used the day to honor the memory of our precious baby.  We went shopping and picked out something as a memorial for our baby.  We also wanted to buy a little box to put our ultrasound pictures in, along with cards and letters that we had written since we found out we were pregnant.  Before buying the box, we decided to give our baby a name, which was recommended to us to do.  So, Justin and I decided on the name Faith for many different reasons.  We knew it was the Lord.  Immediately after we decided on that name, we saw a beautiful box that caught Justin's eye, and when we looked closer, the box had the name "Faith" on it.  We are thankful for the small little things the Lord has reminded us that He is near and His presence is with us. Though babies that die in the womb do not have funerals, and you don't have memorial services, yesterday was our time to just reflect and celebrate the life of our baby.  My heart had changed to "I wish this had never happened", to "I am so thankful the Lord gave us these 10 weeks to love our baby."  Each child is a blessing and I consider this beautiful gift such a blessing.  This has also brought Justin and I so much closer together as we have grieved together this week.  He has been incredibly loving and patient with me and our love has truly grown through this.  I am blessed beyond words for my loving husband the Lord has given me. 

Everyone had told me "His mercies are new every morning" and that it would get better.  After a week of grieving, I honestly didn't know if it would ever get better.  But Friday the Lord just moved in my heart in powerful ways.  Justin and I are reading the devotional Worship the King that the church is reading together.  Yesterday's Devotional was titled "God's Faithfulness".  It focused on Lamentations 3:22-23 which says, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  It also says, "when the valley of the shadow of death is before us-God is faithful.  We may not understand exactly how He will be faithful, but we know He will because He said so.  And the faithful always keep their promises."

Your prayers for us have been powerful and the Lord is near to us.  I know it doesn't mean that I will never be sad or cry anymore...in fact, I became all sad again last night when I read something that reminded me of my loss, but the Lord gave me peace.  It was a great day and I am thankful that Joy does come in the morning.

The Silent Pain of Miscarriage

Last week was not supposed to be one of the hardest weeks of our lives.  It was actually supposed to be one of the happiest weeks for us.  We were planning to announce our pregnancy after our 10 week Doctor appointment.  I had it all planned out.  I knew how I wanted to tell people, I knew the picture that I wanted to post, I thought in my head how I wanted to write about it on my blog.  I went over and over in my head how I would write about the time when I first told Justin we were expecting and how exciting that moment was for us.  I couldn't wait till that Doctor appointment and to hear our baby's heartbeat for the 2nd time.  It was supposed to be such a great week.  But the Lord knew that it was not the week that I was expecting, and He lovingly prepared me for it.  After having some concern about the baby, I was able to get into the Doctor a day earlier than our regular appointment.  We prayed and prayed for our baby, we prayed our baby was healthy and everything would be okay.  Our worst nightmare had come true when we heard the painful news that our baby had no heartbeat.  I remember my first thought was how did this happen?  What did I do wrong?  I had such hurt and guilt just thinking of what I should have and could have done differently.  I know this is a normal reaction for most women.  The Doctors has reassured me that there was NOTHING I could have done.  This was a part of the Lord's plan for us.  His perfect, loving, and glorious plan that is for His Glory and for our good.  I knew the Lord's hand was upon us and our precious baby.  Though He didn't answer our prayers in the way we may have wanted, He has poured out his loving kindness upon us and has given us such hope in a time of despair.  He has proven His faithfulness and love towards us over and over again and His presence was so near to me through my tears.  I had to get a D&C the following day and spent the rest of the week recovery physically and emotionally.

So, now what?  How do I go back to work and be normal again?  Do I tell people what happened or do I just pretend that everything is okay, though deep down inside, I'm hurting deeply.  Are we supposed to put on our happy face and act like we feel better already even though we actually feel like our lives have hit a full stop while everyone keeps moving around us?  I know that having a miscarriage is very common and happens in 1 out of 4 pregnancies but for some reason, no one talks about it. It has been a taboo subject while couples mourn in secret. One article I read states, "In a society which continues to have a legal and cultural blind spot for the unborn, many suffer from the illusion that miscarriage doesn’t grieve a parent as much as the loss of, well, a “real child.” And that is precisely what hurts so much.  We can never console someone in grief if we imply, even remotely, that the person they lost wasn’t real."  The article goes on to say "...that was a real child. The life of that child matters, no matter how short it was. The death of that child matters, no matter how many may not cry. And the love I have for that child matters, even if nobody else knows."  The pain is real, and I never realized just how real it is until last week. 

I believe every couple grieves in different ways when they go through a loss like this.  Some wish to keep private and not to talk about it.  Some want to tell everyone so they can receive encouragement and prayers.  And I completely understand and respect both sides.  There are days where I don't want to talk about it and just want to hide in my room. Then there are days where all I want is to talk about how much I love and miss my baby.  I want to talk about how I miss waking up every morning putting my hand on my belly and just praying over my baby.  I miss being pregnant.  I miss the bond that I had already developed with my baby after just 6 weeks.  I then realized that for me, the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to me is pretending that I lost nothing.  And so writing about it has helped me tremendously process through my emotions and pain.  I have been writing in my journal nonstop since finding out and it has brought great comfort for me.  I have written out my feelings, my pain of missing my baby, scriptures, prayers, and promises of God.

I wish I could say that in time the emotional pain has gotten easier, but that hasn't happened quite yet.  I know that it will in time, and I just keep believing and trusting the Lord as He heals our hearts.  I have been reading Beside Still Waters by Spurgeon and this one devotional is what Justin read the day after my surgery. 

"This is how we deal with God.   Praise Him before you are delivered.  Praise Him for what is coming.  Adore Him for what He is going to do.  I do not think there is a sweeter song in God's ear than the song of one who blesses Him for grace that has not yet been tasted, who blesses Him for answers that have not been received but are sure to come."


Habakkuk 3:17-19
"Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor the fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls-yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.  The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills."

I know the Lord is good and He is doing a work in our hearts that I could never imagine.  He is answering prayers that I may never know.  I praise Him for his sovereignty over our lives and His healing hand, though I may not "feel" it everyday.

Our Colombia Mission Trip: Part 3

After our first 2 days in the 1st village Villa Carmen, we spent the next 2 days in a different village called El Bosque (The Forest).  We were sad to say goodbye to the Pastor and the church members, and some of the families that we witnessed to, but were excited for a new start in a new place.  We didn't really know what to expect with our 2nd village.  We met the pastor and some of the church members who were incredibly hospitable and welcoming towards us.  They were just so happy we were there to partner with them.  I remember what it was like living overseas and feeling like you're one of just a few Christians in the area and I'm sure that is how they felt.  I remember how joyous it was to have visitors and other believers come to work with us even if it was only a few days.  They were just so happy we were there and it was a blessing being with them for 2 days.  When we got there we immediately noticed that it was very different than the first neighborhood we were at.  This neighborhood was a little more dangerous that the first one.  We had to be more careful overall with our personal belongings.  Of course the people there were still incredibly friendly as kids played outside together and they allowed us into their homes to share the Gospel with them.

 My favorite story of the week was during our first day there Justin and Pastor Felipe were talking about if they should go witness to these group of guys that were always hanging out at the very top of the hill overlooking the barrio.  Justin sensed that the Pastor was very hesitant about sharing with them.  He came to find out that these guys were actually drug dealers and that the Pastor had tried to witness to them at a previous time.  When the Pastor tried talking to them, the guys showed him their gun, just giving him the message to stay away.  So of course the Pastor was a little more hesitant go talk to them again, though he really wanted to.  After they were debating if they should take the risk to go talk to them, the Pastor said "these guys need Jesus too, and it would be wrong for us not to share."  Justin was ready and said "alright, lets go talk to them".  They took a big group over there to be safe, and Justin started talking to them.  He spent a long time with these guys sharing his testimony and then sharing the Gospel with them.  I walked up about halfway and had no idea what was going on since there was such a huge group with them.  I could just sense the Holy Spirit speaking through Justin and moving in these guys hearts.  They seemed like such tough guys before but when I looked at them then, their hearts just seemed to be softened.  They were so respectful and attentive and they seemed to be hanging on every one of Justin's words.  It was amazing.  The Lord was working in their hearts and the Pastor prayed with them.  Only the Lord knows their hearts but how amazing that He used a random American like Justin to share with them, when they refused to listen to it before.  I am thankful for my godly husband who feared the Lord more than man. 

There were stories after stories of all the people the Lord led us to talk to and how the Lord was moving in their hearts.  Our love definitely grew for missions, for Colombia, for the poor, and for the Gospel.  Our love also grew for each other.  We loved going on a mission trip together and think every married couple should go.  It brings you to another place in your relationship.  Our time together on this trip was sweet and I am truly thankful for how the Lord grew us closer together.

On our last night in Colombia we held a Victory celebration service at a Baptist church located centrally in the city. The people we witnessed to in the neighborhoods were picked up by buses and brought to the church that night. It was beautiful to see 16 churches represented from various denominations come together that night as one Body to worship through testimony, preaching and song.  The room was packed full of people!  We were so encouraged by all the people that came to the service who we had the opportunity to share the Gospel with earlier that week. We were also so thankful for how well the Pastors were doing with the follow up process.   We worshiped in Spanish and some in English.  I just love worshipping in another language, it is always so beautiful to me.  The service was encouraging and just a great time to celebrate all that the Lord did that entire week.

So now we are back into the real world and it hasn't been easy.  We were slammed hard immediately with sickness and trials once we got back which has kept us from even processing our trip.  But the Lord is good and has reminded us of His faithfulness towards us on this trip and all that He did in and through us.  I believe He even used that trip to prepare us for the trial that would come our way once we got home.  Lord willing, this will be the first of many mission trips for us in the future.

Our Colombia Mission Trip: Part 2

Through the exhaustion of the week, the Lord continually gave us joy and strength through serving and sharing the Gospel a dozen times a day.  On Tuesday, our team did something a little different.  There was a painter on the E3 team who came to our village and started painting a beautiful picture of the crucifixion to try to draw a crowd.

 At first, there was hardly anyone there.  About 10 minutes later, there were people everywhere.

We immediately started talking to the people that were there and sharing the Gospel with them.  After being there over an hour, I think I shared the Gospel with different groups of people at least 10 times. There were a lot of kids there as well because of course children are very curious.  I got some great pictures of Justin sharing with some boys:

One thing I loved was after going through the evangacube with some of the children, and teaching them the Gospel, we had little cards to hand out to them that were just like the cube so they could share the Gospel with someone else.  They absolutely loved this and were begging us for the cards so they could share them.  We had a limited supplies, so I would tell the children that they had to really know what it meant and share it with me first before I would give them a card.  I was so impressed with how attentive they all were and could share the Gospel so well!  After they repeated it all back to me, they would immediately go to another child and share it with them.  Though only God knows what is going on in these children's hearts, seeds were definitely being planted!

It was a really great day and we rejoiced over all the people young and old who heard the Gospel that day....many for the very first time.  God is definitely at work and it was only day 2....

to be continued...