Happy Mother's Day....Part 3

The Wide Spectrum of Mothering 

by Amy Young

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

Dear Mother with Empty Arms...

Mother's Day is fast approaching which has many different emotions for me, which is why I'm doing a little Mother's Day Series.  I have a lot of post ideas in my head, but who knows how many I will end up doing.

***disclaimer:  I wrote most of this post last week before I saw all the other Mother's Day links similar to this going around on social media.  I debated not posting it, but decided to go ahead anyway.  For all you moms out there, please don't feel any guilt celebrating Mother's Day...it is a great thing to celebrate***

I am of course so thankful to be a new Mom on my first Mother's Day, but I also can't help to think of all the women out there who are hurting on this day.  All the women who have longed and dreamed of being a mom since they were little girls, but are going through another Mother's Day with empty arms.  I am not even going to pretend to know what is is like to experience infertility as that is not something I have had to walk through.  I'm not going to say if you only trust in Jesus more, he will give you a child.  I'm not going to tell you that you are not taking trials well because you show sadness and hurt (which are real emotions).  What I do know is this....

I do know the deep longing of wanting to be a mom as long as I could remember

I do remember dreading the Mother's Day service because you would not be standing up or getting a rose like all the other women

I do know what it is like to be in your late twenties, with most of your close friends married, and wondering if marriage would ever be in your future, let alone children

I do know the deep pain of losing 2 babies before having any children of your own

I do know that feeling of wondering if it would ever be possible to have children of your own

I do know the fear of walking into a fertility clinic so scared not knowing what the future holds

I do know the agonizing feeling of waiting for a phone call with important test results

I do remember all the pregnancy tests, and the hoping, praying, longing to see 2 lines

I do know the deep fear of losing a baby

Though I will never understand having empty arms year after year after year, these are the emotions I can relate to.  Let me first say I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry that your dream of having children has not happened yet...whether it be from prolonged singleness, infertility, or miscarriage, it's all so painful.  I'm sorry that churches make the pain even deeper by making you feel less of a woman because you're not a mom in the worlds standards.

I have mentioned before on this blog how miscarriage is a silent pain.  (you can read that blog post here: The silent pain of miscarriage)  I believe prolonged singleness is also a silent pain that many people do not talk about especially on Mother's Day.  If you do talk about the pain of prolonged singleness people will think you are desperate and aren't trusting God.  If you talk about your infertility or miscarriage, people get awkward and just don't know what to say as it has always been a taboo subject.  But what if on Mother's Day instead of churches only recognizing and honoring Mother's....what if we prayed fervently for couples longing for children or who have recently lost children due to miscarriage?  What if we prayed over singles desiring for marriage and children?  What if we prayed for couples who do have children for wisdom and guidance as we raise them?  There is so much more we can do for Mother's Day than to just hand a rose to all the Mother's and have them stand up during the service (though these things are not bad of itself)

Can I leave you with a little encouragement?  I am a testimony of someone having 2 miscarriages and then having a healthy baby boy.  I have seen first hand couples experience infertility for years and then the Lord gives them a child.  I know of another couple who could not have children and have adopted children and have helped many other couples throughout their adoption journey.  I have seen firsthand women in their late thirties and even early forties get married and go on to having children!  God can do what we think is impossible!  He has a most wonderful, perfect plan to bring Him glory that we don't understand at the time.  He is so good!  I am praying for you, dear Mother with empty arms this Mother's Day.

Remembering Baby Noah

Today is another special day in the Cummings' family.  Today would have been our 2nd baby's due date.  It's hard to believe that I would be holding a baby in my arms around this time.  I think about what this week would have looked like if we hadn't lost this baby.  It was back in October, just a week after our 1 year anniversary that we found out we were pregnant again after losing our 1st due to miscarriage in July.  We were so thankful and though we were cautious, we never thought we would be going through yet another miscarriage.   I looked at what my due date was a thought, "a June baby...how fun!!"  I was so excited and thought it was great timing.  We found out we were pregnant on a Friday so I had to wait until Monday to go into the Doctor to get my blood work done, to see what my HCG levels were and to determine how the baby was doing.  I received a phone call the next day that wrecked me.  The nurse told me that my progesterone was low and so were my HCG levels.  She was putting me on progesterone and I needed to go back to see if my HCG levels double.  I knew it didn't sound good, though she kept saying "we just need the levels to double."  I flat out asked her to be honest with what she thinks this means and she did admit to me me "it could mean you may miscarry this baby".  I got off the phone and I don't remember crying so hard in my life.  I was actually at work, just sobbing in my office not sure what to do.  I went home and just cried and cried.  My mind was running just thinking what I would do if I had another miscarriage.  It was a rough night.  I e-mailed all my close friends to ask them to pray that this would be a miracle baby and that my levels would double.  We prayed and prayed.  2 weeks later, at 6 weeks pregnant, we lost our sweet baby.  It was a very difficult 2 weeks, going in to get my blood drawn every other day just wondering, hoping, and praying for a different outcome.

We obviously have no idea what the gender is to either of our babies, but I like to think of one of them as a girl and one as a boy.  It helps me remember them as what they are, real babies, and not just a fetus, or an it.  I heard the medical people tell me many times "it just didn't stick".  It was very frustrating for me.  It took us awhile to choose a name for this baby because I didn't want to have to think about it at times.  I pushed aside my emotions more with this miscarriage then I did the first one.  I was back to work quickly, and I just swept it under the rug more than I should have.  I noticed that other people also didn't talk about it with me than with the first miscarriage.  It could be partly because more people knew about the 1st one and I was farther along,  and partly they just had no idea what to say.  I am a verbal processor (hence the reason for the blog) and it has always helped me to talk through things.  I felt very alone and went through an extremely hard season in my life following this miscarriage.  The Lord has definitely been my rock and I have learned and have grown through it all.  All Glory to Him.

We decided to name this baby Noah.  When I think of Noah in the Bible, I think of a man with great Faith, which is our first baby's name.  Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Through these miscarriages and over the past year the Lord has reminded me over and over to have faith and to trust Him.  It's so simple, yet I found it difficult to do at times.  He never promised me that I would be 24 weeks pregnant with a baby boy on the day of Noah's due date, but I knew His plan was perfect.  I knew He is a sovereign, good God who I could put my trust in.   

To our sweet baby Noah-we miss you and are so thankful for your life.  I so wished I could have held you, kissed your sweet cheeks,  and seen what you looked like.  We look forward to the day when we will be reunited with you in heaven...what another blessing we have waiting for us!!  Your mommy and daddy love you dearly!  

The Fearless Woman

I never really considered myself a fearful person.  When I was little, I was never afraid of anything.  I would go on the scariest and tallest roller coasters, watch the scariest movies, and was very trusting towards strangers.  I could be alone at night and not think a thing of it.   I lived by myself in a foreign country and didn't bat an eye doing it.  I would go sky diving in a heartbeat if Justin approved (he doesn't think it's a good idea....he might be right).  With the exception of roaches and snakes, I don't know if I have a "fear" of anything.  And then, I had 2 miscarriages.  And now I realized how incredibly fearful I actually am.  Now that I am pregnant again, I have had more fear than I can ever remember.  And in a small way, I would justify my fear as normal and acceptable, being what I have gone through.  With all good intentions, others would also justify my fear saying that is completely normal and that they too are fearful for me.  I didn't think much of my fear...and then I read this quote by John Piper in the book, Momentary Marriage.  He is describing Christian womanhood.  It is based off of 1 Peter 3:6 " And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”  


"So this portrait of Christian womanhood is marked first by hope in God and then by what grows out of that hope, namely, fearlessness. She does not fear the future; she laughs at the future. The presence of hope in the invincible sovereignty of God drives out fear. Or to say it more carefully and realistically, the daughters of Sarah fight the anxiety that rises in their hearts. They wage war on fear, and they defeat it with hope in the promises of God. Mature Christian women know that following Christ will mean suffering (2 Tim. 3:12). But they believe promises like 1 Peter 3:14, “But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled,” and 1 Peter 4:19, “Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” That is what Christian women do: They entrust their souls to a faithful Creator. They hope in God. And they triumph over fear."


Wow. I read that and immediately felt convicted.  I then read it a few more times and repented to the Lord for my anxiety over this pregnancy and my fearful attitude.  I then read it to Justin and we were able to talk about it for awhile.  It's nothing new to me.  I know that the Word commands us to not fear and to not be anxious.  I have known this, but in some strange way, I felt that I was this exception because of what I have been through.  I keep thinking about how we are supposed to laugh at the future.  It sounds so insensitive to laugh at the future but how true.  Hoping in the sovereignty of God drives out fear.  I wish I could say that I have now completely defeated all my fear with this pregnancy and I'm as cool as a cucumber, but I have realized it is a daily fight.  Some days are good, some days aren't.  But I will continue to fight fear with hope in the promises of God.  

Remembering our baby Faith

February 10th is a date that will always resonate with me.  Tomorrow is our baby Faith's due date.  If things would have gone like I wanted, I would be holding our baby in my arms around this time.  It's so hard to believe that 9 months have already gone by since we first found out we were pregnant.   Oh how I miss her and wish I could hold her and kiss her.  I wish I could have seen what she looked like and heard her cry.  I have been dreading this day for a long time now but believe the Lord has given me extra grace to turn my grief into joy as I reflect back on the very short 10 weeks she was in my womb.  The day I found out I was pregnant for the first time holds a very special memory for me. The pregnancy came as a total surprise, which made it that much better.  Though the pregnancy ended abruptly and tragically, I still look back with fond memories of that day.  It was on a Friday which is my day off and Justin was at work.  There was something different that day that I couldn't really explain but I convinced myself there was no way I was pregnant.  As the day went on, I couldn't shake that feeling, so I went and bought a pregnancy test just to prove to myself that I wasn't pregnant.  I will never forget the shocking, amazing, and unreal feeling I had when the test said "pregnant".  I could not have been happier.  I cried and cried out of joy that the Lord would bless us like this.  Then I had to wait the whole rest of the day for Justin to come home from work to tell him in person!  I was a little nervous about his reaction since it would be a surprise.  So I wrote him a letter and bought a little something for him to open when he got home.  It took him FOREVER to get home it seemed and I don't remember being so nervous and excited!  So he got home and here was his reaction:

He opened up the little onesie that said "I love my Daddy" and his reaction was priceless.  He was so happy and I was crying, it was a special moment.  At one point he said "I need to sit down", which was classic. Then he said "Let's go out and celebrate!"  So we went to Tony's Mexican restaurant and talked and talked about everything.  That day changed everything.  It changed "our plans" for what we thought the near future looked like.  It was all another reminder that we are not in control and God is incredibly powerful and sovereign over our lives.  I never showed anyone this picture except my parents because it used to make me so sad looking at it.  Though it still makes me sad, I now look at it as a blessing. The moment that our baby Faith made us parents, and the moment where Justin and I grew closer together.  A moment where my heart immediately fell in love with a little baby that God had created for a special purpose.  A moment I look forward to being reunited with this precious blessing one day.

Whenever we told people the due date, the biggest reaction was "aww, a little valentine's baby".  I still like to think of her as our Valentine's baby.  She definitely taught me how much love a mommy can have for their baby even for such a short time.  She also taught me how deeply my heavenly Father loves me.  How much He cares and holds my tears.  This is definitely not the plan I would have chosen for myself especially during my 1st year of marriage, but God knew.  He loves me so much and knows what a glorious plan He has for me.  It doesn't come without heartache, but it is in fact beautiful.  I miss my baby so badly right now, but I can truly rejoice as my God is incredibly Faithful!

Hannah's Hope

I just finished reading this book:

Hannah's Hope:  Seeking God's Heart in the midst of infertility, miscarriage, and adoption loss.  I had a friend recommend this book to me awhile back but I just put off reading it.  I stumbled across it again last month at the church book store and felt the Lord leading me to buy it.  Once I forced myself to start reading it, I didn't want to put it down.  It came at the perfect time since our 1st baby's due date is less than 2 weeks away.  She starts out the book by telling her story, which no one would even believe unless you read it yourself.  She struggled with infertility for over 8 years, had 2 miscarriages, and had over 5 adoption losses (I can't remember the exact number), one including an adoption scam.   I was emotionally spent just reading the first chapter.  I really couldn't believe one person had been through all of that.   God has been glorified greatly through all her suffering.   She has a ministry called Hannah's Hope where she ministers to thousands of women who are experiencing these same issues.  The book itself ministered to me greatly.  Each chapter takes you through the story of Hannah in the Bible and her experience with infertility.  

Not only was this book good for my heart to read for healing, but also it was so good for me to be able to relate to others.    What I love about the book is that it's not just for women who have experienced infertility themselves,  but it also gives a great perspective to friends and family of a loved one experiencing infertility/miscarriage.  Each chapter has a part directed to family or friends to help them understand what their loved one may be feeling and helpful things not to say to them.  I know I now have a completely different outlook for women who experience infertility than I did before the book.  There is also a chapter written to the church to help the church have a new perspective  for women going through infertility and miscarriage.  I'm thankful that HFBC has formed a Bible Study on Monday evenings for women going through infertility or miscarriage and they are reading this book together!  I also loved her perspective on handling Mother's Day and baby dedications at churches.  I have never really even thought about how incredibly painful those 2 days are for so many women in the church.  Many women longing to be mommies and receive the flower that is handed out.  Many women who have lost babies but no one considers them a real mom and get overlooked.  She stated how many women avoid Mother's Day and baby dedication day all together every year as it's understandably too painful.  She listed many ways churches could honor and bless these women.  One church simply had a bouquet of flowers on the stage and in the bulletin states the flowers are for women who have lost babies this year.  I've heard of another church having all the couples come to the front (only if they want to) who are experiencing infertility and the church laid hands on them and prayed for them.  Another single woman explained how she finally went to the Mother's Day service after avoiding it for years and had a prior student give her a flower stating she had been  like a mother to her.  There are many more stories but I pray the churches will not ignore all the women (single or married) who are secretly grieving the dream of having children.  

For Further Thought:  This was written at the end of the anguish and grief chapter that I thought was really good:

"In the Old Testament, a person in grief tore his robe and didn't run out to Kohl's to get a new one to go to church.  Women cut their hair.  Men shaved their beards.  There was weeping and wailing.  For a whole year, nobody expected you to look or be the way you were.  How wonderful!  But in our nutty society, the person who "keeps it together" who's "so brave", and who "looks so great--you'd never know," that's who is applauded.  Grief is not the opposite of faith.  Mourning is not the opposite of hope.  I believe that well-meaning Christians can try to hurry us out of our mourning because we make them uncomfortable.  The Bible does not say to cheer up the bereaved, but rather to "mourn with those who mourn."  Christ does not say we grieve because we are deficient in faith, but rather, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (not rushed)" Matt 5:4

God, Where Were You? Part 2

The Holidays really are such a fun time of year!  I have always loved Christmas.  I love the meaning of Christmas, the parties, the decorations, and I especially love coming home to our Christmas tree everyday.  I love the music, the food, the baking, and being with family.  I love traditions and making new traditions with my husband.  It really is such a special season.  But with all the fun and excitement, there are definitely people around us everywhere that Christmas is a hard time for them.  It might be that first Christmas without their loved one.  It might be another Christmas of being single and having your great aunt ask once again "why aren't your married yet?"  It might be your first Christmas overseas as a missionary away from all your family and friends.  Or it might be another Christmas that goes by that you have no children to buy gifts for.  This Christmas, I would have been almost 8 months pregnant.  It's hard to not think about it everyday.  I remember back in the summer thinking about the Christmas cards we could send out with some cute belly pictures.  I had already pictured what our lives would be like at this time of year, and it's now nothing what I thought it would be.  But through the sadness that comes during this time of year, the Lord has reminded me, "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you."

Going back to the story of Lazarus (see previous post for part 1), another very powerful verse that spoke to me was the shortest verse in the Bible.  John 11:35 says "Jesus wept."  I found this verse incredibly comforting to me for various reasons.  I don't believe that Jesus wept because Lazarus died....he knew Lazarus was going to die and He also knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead.  Verse 33 says that when Jesus saw Mary weeping, he was deeply moved, and he wept.  I love that Jesus fully understands the grief that Mary and Martha are experiencing.  He knows when we hurt.  He understands why we hurt as he was fully flesh.  He doesn't just say "Don't you know this is for your good??  Just get over it!"  There were times during my grief that I would feel extremely guilty for feeling so sad.  I was believing the lie that because I'm sad, I'm not trusting God.  It brought me great comfort to know that the Lord truly has compassion on me.  He loves me, as he loved Mary and Martha.  He is deeply moved for me as He was with Mary and Martha.  This doesn't give me the excuse to complain and mope everyday, but it does bring me comfort to know that during this holiday season, when I'm reminded of where we would be if our babies had lived, He understands.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses.

I am so thankful that over the past 5 months, the Lord has showed me not only that this trial is for His glory and my good, but also that He cares.  That He has compassion and gives me grace to walk through it.  That He is a God of truth.  That he hasn't abandoned me.  That He is near even when I don't sense it.  That He is my healer, and He wants to help me grow to know and trust Him more.  Even when I don't hear from Him in the way I desire, He is there--listening, caring, feeling my pain.  Thank you Lord!

God, Where Were You?

While I was reading the Devotional "Grieving the Child I never knew" there was one particular entry that stood out to me the most.  It was on the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  I have always loved this story in the Bible as there is so much to learn from it.  For those of you who may not be familiar with the Story found in John 11, Lazarus was very sick and he had 2 sisters, Mary and Martha. Verse 5 says,  "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, so when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed 2 days longer."  Say what?  Jesus seems to ignore Mary and Martha's plea for help and stayed 2 days without going to see Lazarus.  We then find out that Lazarus did indeed die and had been in the tomb 4 days by the time Jesus came to see him.  The first thing Martha said was, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  Then in verse 32  Mary fell at Jesus's feet and said "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." Of course, that's not the end of the story.  Jesus then goes to the tomb and says to Martha "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"  He then says to God in verse 42,  "I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me."   He then raises Lazarus from the dead!  The reason?  For His Glory!

Have any of you been in a situation where you cried out to God, "Lord were are (were) you??"  A time where you ask God to come near, but He kept you waiting and wondering? I know I have recently...twice. The day before our 1st baby died, I knew that it was possible I was miscarrying.  I prayed and cried out to God all day long to please heal and save our baby.  During my 2nd pregnancy, I knew for 2 weeks that our baby wasn't doing well and that I may miscarry again.  2 weeks of crying out to God.  2 weeks of sadness, hope, frustration, disappointment, faith, and all different emotions.  I cried and prayed for the Lord to perform a miracle.  Throughout this difficult time, I had thoughts of "Lord, where were you? You had the power to save our baby.  Why did you allow me to be pregnant twice, when you would take them both away from me? Why didn't you answer my prayer?"   The reason?  For His Glory!

I felt that I could totally relate to Mary and Martha in the scriptures when they cried out to Jesus "if only you would have been here".  They know Jesus was more than able to save Lazarus and heal him. They also knew that Jesus loved them.  And when the sisters asked Jesus for help, Jesus chose to wait.  He chose not to respond.  They probably couldn't understand why He hadn't at least acknowledged their request. They may have felt abandoned at a time when they needed Jesus most.  Was he being cruel to them?  Absolutely not.  He was waiting to respond until Lazarus was dead so that God could be glorified in a greater way (John 11:4)

The Lord had not responded in the way I had asked or wanted and I realize that is a part of the Christian life.  God's plan is so much better than ours, even when we don't understand it.  Just because He didn't respond in the way and timing that I expected, it doesn't mean He has abandoned me, or doesn't care. 
As a strong believer in the sovereignty of God, I knew His plan was good and perfect for me.  And it is only by Faith and God's grace that I can continue to press on and trust in Him.  Perhaps God just wants me to learn to trust Him through the silence.  He wants to reveal Himself to me in a different way.  I'm learning to listen and to wait.  I'm praying that the Lord would use me to comfort others who go through this pain.  I know without a doubt this pain is for His glory. 

When Lazarus died, Mary and Martha were devastated.  But then Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.  And through that, many Jews who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him (John 11:45).  My study Bible points out that John did not record Lazarus's reaction or any of the aftermath of his raising, except for the fact that many Jews believed in him as a result of seeing this miracle.   It's so simple...the focus is on Jesus, not Lazarus.  I pray that the focus of our pain would be on Jesus. 

***sidenote:  I have a lot more to say about this passage, so I decided to break it up into 2 parts...since this is already way too long and no one likes to read long blog posts!  ***

The Silent Pain of Miscarriage...part 2

It's really hard to believe that I'm sitting here writing about our 2nd miscarriage.  I still feel like I will wake up from this nightmare that we have been living in the past few months and realize it's all just a bad dream.  But it's not a dream, and in fact we are facing the pain of having a 2nd miscarriage in a row.  Through the horrendous pain, the Lord has blessed us in many ways and has been so good to us.  I was only 6 weeks along this time, compared to being 10 weeks along last time.  I also went into the Doctor immediately after finding out we were pregnant again to get some blood testing done to see how the baby was doing.  Though I was understandably guarded, I had such faith that this pregnancy would go smoothly and we would be welcoming our little Junebug into the world around June 22nd.  I only had about 3 days to be excited about this pregnancy as I received that dreaded phone call that said my baby might not make it.  2 weeks later, our baby went home to be with the Lord.  It was 2 very painful weeks, going to the Doctor 4 different times, doing everything we could to save this pregnancy.  Every phone call I received, I was on pins and needles just praying for some good news, which I never received.  I had my closest family and friends praying for a miracle, that the Lord would shock the Doctors and the statistics and that our baby would be okay.  Though I may never understand this side of heaven, His plan was not to save our baby.  And His plan is better than we could ever imagine.  I remember going through the long 2 weeks of waiting, hoping, crying, and praying..asking the Lord to let the wait be over.  The unknown was so difficult to walk through.  It definitely was longer than what I wanted, but it could have been much, much longer.  So now a week later, I am sorting through all my mess of emotions, all while trying to continue through normal life.

I remember during that 2 weeks span, I kept telling people "I cannot go through another miscarriage, I just can't do it."  I knew how painful my first one was and I just didn't think I had anymore tears left in me or emotional strength to go through this a 2nd time.  But I remember my dear friend telling me, "you can't imagine it now because you're not going through it yet.  God will give you the grace to go through the pain if it happens."  She was exactly right.  God promises that He will give us the grace we need to go through all the pain, disappointment, suffering, and heartache we experience.  And somehow, here I am a week later, going through another heartache of losing a child...and it is only by God's grace that I can even write about it again.  It's only by His grace that I can even see all the blessings that He has poured out to us during this time. 

So as of now, I am taking it one day at a time.  Today was a good day.  I was filled with unexplainable joy and hope.  Yesterday was a bad day, filled with hurt, discouragement and fear.  But through my different emotions that seem to always be changing, I know one thing for sure: God is good. He is sovereign.  He never changes.  As I say to the kids before teaching a lesson from the Bible:  This is God's word, and it is ALWAYS true.  God fulfills his promises.  Will we ever have children?  I don't know.  What I do know is that HE has put this desire in our hearts to be parents and HE will fulfill it in the best way possible.  It may not be the way I want it to be fulfilled, but it is THE best way for the perfect plan HE has for us.  And what can I do now?  Trust Him.  Believe Him.  Meditate on Truth.  Cry out to Him.  Fight the urge to dwell in self pity.  Fight for joy.  Grow to Love Jesus more. 

The verse I have been clinging to during this time is Psalm 37:3-7
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit you way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act.  he will bring forth righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...

I pray that I will trust the Lord, Delight in Him, Commit my way to the Lord, be still before Him and wait patiently for Him.  I have definitely fallen short of doing these things many times, but I am thankful that God is teaching me and growing me during this time. 

To my little Junebug-It's pretty amazing the bond I felt with you just after 2 short weeks.   I wish I could have held you. I wish I could have seen what you looked like.  What joy it will be to meet you one day! 

I have told Justin many times that we have something extra to look forward to when we get to heaven....now we have even more to look forward to...seeing our 2 babies for the first time. 

Grieving the Child I Never Knew

It's hard to believe that it's been over a month since we lost our baby.  It has definitely been one of the hardest months for me.  I don't think I have ever remembered crying so much or so often.  Right when I think things are getting back to "normal" there is something that will  remind me of our loss and my heart aches.  I have felt like an emotional roller coaster this month and I have been more thankful for my husband for being incredibly patient and loving to me through my emotions and crazy hormones.  Something that has really helped me process through my pain is reading the devotional "Grieving the Child I never knew"

I highly recommend  this book to anyone who has experienced a loss of a baby.  This book was recommended to me by a dear college friend who has lost 2 precious babies and been through worse pain than I have.  The author of the book has had 3 miscarriages and one baby that died at birth.   At first I was very hesitant to read it as these 2 women especially have been through way worse pain that I could ever imagine, which led me to minimize my pain and to even feel guilty for reading it.  But when I opened up to the introduction, I knew the Lord was speaking to me. She started the book with these words:

"I never knew this child fully, so why do I grieve so deeply?  I never held this tiny baby, never saw the sleeping face, never locked eyes and gazed into the soul of this little person.  Yet, I feel as if a part of me died and left a void in my being.  Most people don't seem to understand and minimize my loss instead of validating my pain for losing this nameless child.  Will I always feel so lonely and misunderstood?  Is it normal to mourn someone I never knew?  How can I move beyond the hurt and begin to hope again?  Only when I gave myself permission to grieve the loss of my child did I begin to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and start to heal" 

After the first paragraph, I was hooked.  That was almost word for word what I've been thinking and feeling.  I knew I needed to give myself permission to grieve even if many women have experienced deeper hurt than me.  I needed to allow myself to grieve though people all over the world are going through far worse grief than me.  Yes, I do have a TON to be thankful for, and have recognized this throughout this entire experience.  But it still doesn't take away the hurt of losing my child.  Though I could choose to just move on and sweep my feelings under a rug and keep myself busy, I know that I need to allow my heart to grieve and heal.  Through the help of this book, it has done just that.  I'm only about half way through the book, but I have pages and pages of notes in my journal of everything the Lord has taught me through it. Reading through it is definitely not easy, in fact, I find myself avoiding it somedays because I just don't want to think about it or I don't have the emotional energy it takes to go through it.  I have to choose wisely the days I decide to pick it up and make sure I have plenty of time to think, process, pray and journal through it.  But the Lord has brought so much healing through this devotional.  Though people around me have moved on and I don't talk about the loss very much anymore, I am thankful for the sweet moments I have with the Lord who understands every emotion that I'm feeling.  I sometimes feel like the book was written just for me, and that is just one small way the Lord has again shown His Faithfulness to me. 

I feel as if there is this dark cloud over me that no one else can see but me. I know the cloud will eventually fade, but until then I know there is a purpose for the cloud, and that is for Christ's name to be lifted high.   At the beginning I was just praying for the cloud to lift, but I now realize that the Lord will lift it in His perfect timing.  I now pray that the Lord would be glorified through the dark cloud.  My prayer each day is that I would learn to love Jesus more through this pain, that I would have a teachable spirit, grow in my marriage, and for the Lord to be glorified through this trial.  I know I may never see all the good the Lord is doing in my life or through others, but I believe He is doing a work that is far greater than I could ever imagine! 

Glory Baby

To help me process and grieve the loss of our baby, I have listened to this song by Watermark called "Glory Baby" which has brought me such comfort.  I pray for all the other families who have experienced this pain will be comforted by these words:

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…



I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you

His Mercies are New Every Morning

Yesterday was a good day and a day that I will always remember.  And I truly believe it was because of everyone praying for us.  I first want to thank everyone for their overwhelming love, prayers and encouragement to me as I expressed my heart of the pain I was feeling over the loss of our baby.  Thursday, the day I wrote my blog, it was a week exactly since we heard our heartbreaking news.  And it was also the hardest day I had had yet, emotionally.  It seems that everyday, my emotional pain got worse and worse and I feared that it would never lift.  I decided to write about it and hesitated if I should even post it as I was being incredibly vulnerable.  But I just knew that for me, I needed to talk about it.  After posting my blog Thursday night, I was overwhelmed by the messages, e-mails and responses.  I had so many women tell me their stories and the pain that they went through.  It was all completely the Lord as he brought people to bring me such encouragement and hope.  That Friday morning I woke up and immediately felt different....I just knew more people were praying for me.  The Lord had given me such peace.  Justin had the day off and so we used the day to honor the memory of our precious baby.  We went shopping and picked out something as a memorial for our baby.  We also wanted to buy a little box to put our ultrasound pictures in, along with cards and letters that we had written since we found out we were pregnant.  Before buying the box, we decided to give our baby a name, which was recommended to us to do.  So, Justin and I decided on the name Faith for many different reasons.  We knew it was the Lord.  Immediately after we decided on that name, we saw a beautiful box that caught Justin's eye, and when we looked closer, the box had the name "Faith" on it.  We are thankful for the small little things the Lord has reminded us that He is near and His presence is with us. Though babies that die in the womb do not have funerals, and you don't have memorial services, yesterday was our time to just reflect and celebrate the life of our baby.  My heart had changed to "I wish this had never happened", to "I am so thankful the Lord gave us these 10 weeks to love our baby."  Each child is a blessing and I consider this beautiful gift such a blessing.  This has also brought Justin and I so much closer together as we have grieved together this week.  He has been incredibly loving and patient with me and our love has truly grown through this.  I am blessed beyond words for my loving husband the Lord has given me. 

Everyone had told me "His mercies are new every morning" and that it would get better.  After a week of grieving, I honestly didn't know if it would ever get better.  But Friday the Lord just moved in my heart in powerful ways.  Justin and I are reading the devotional Worship the King that the church is reading together.  Yesterday's Devotional was titled "God's Faithfulness".  It focused on Lamentations 3:22-23 which says, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  It also says, "when the valley of the shadow of death is before us-God is faithful.  We may not understand exactly how He will be faithful, but we know He will because He said so.  And the faithful always keep their promises."

Your prayers for us have been powerful and the Lord is near to us.  I know it doesn't mean that I will never be sad or cry anymore...in fact, I became all sad again last night when I read something that reminded me of my loss, but the Lord gave me peace.  It was a great day and I am thankful that Joy does come in the morning.

The Silent Pain of Miscarriage

Last week was not supposed to be one of the hardest weeks of our lives.  It was actually supposed to be one of the happiest weeks for us.  We were planning to announce our pregnancy after our 10 week Doctor appointment.  I had it all planned out.  I knew how I wanted to tell people, I knew the picture that I wanted to post, I thought in my head how I wanted to write about it on my blog.  I went over and over in my head how I would write about the time when I first told Justin we were expecting and how exciting that moment was for us.  I couldn't wait till that Doctor appointment and to hear our baby's heartbeat for the 2nd time.  It was supposed to be such a great week.  But the Lord knew that it was not the week that I was expecting, and He lovingly prepared me for it.  After having some concern about the baby, I was able to get into the Doctor a day earlier than our regular appointment.  We prayed and prayed for our baby, we prayed our baby was healthy and everything would be okay.  Our worst nightmare had come true when we heard the painful news that our baby had no heartbeat.  I remember my first thought was how did this happen?  What did I do wrong?  I had such hurt and guilt just thinking of what I should have and could have done differently.  I know this is a normal reaction for most women.  The Doctors has reassured me that there was NOTHING I could have done.  This was a part of the Lord's plan for us.  His perfect, loving, and glorious plan that is for His Glory and for our good.  I knew the Lord's hand was upon us and our precious baby.  Though He didn't answer our prayers in the way we may have wanted, He has poured out his loving kindness upon us and has given us such hope in a time of despair.  He has proven His faithfulness and love towards us over and over again and His presence was so near to me through my tears.  I had to get a D&C the following day and spent the rest of the week recovery physically and emotionally.

So, now what?  How do I go back to work and be normal again?  Do I tell people what happened or do I just pretend that everything is okay, though deep down inside, I'm hurting deeply.  Are we supposed to put on our happy face and act like we feel better already even though we actually feel like our lives have hit a full stop while everyone keeps moving around us?  I know that having a miscarriage is very common and happens in 1 out of 4 pregnancies but for some reason, no one talks about it. It has been a taboo subject while couples mourn in secret. One article I read states, "In a society which continues to have a legal and cultural blind spot for the unborn, many suffer from the illusion that miscarriage doesn’t grieve a parent as much as the loss of, well, a “real child.” And that is precisely what hurts so much.  We can never console someone in grief if we imply, even remotely, that the person they lost wasn’t real."  The article goes on to say "...that was a real child. The life of that child matters, no matter how short it was. The death of that child matters, no matter how many may not cry. And the love I have for that child matters, even if nobody else knows."  The pain is real, and I never realized just how real it is until last week. 

I believe every couple grieves in different ways when they go through a loss like this.  Some wish to keep private and not to talk about it.  Some want to tell everyone so they can receive encouragement and prayers.  And I completely understand and respect both sides.  There are days where I don't want to talk about it and just want to hide in my room. Then there are days where all I want is to talk about how much I love and miss my baby.  I want to talk about how I miss waking up every morning putting my hand on my belly and just praying over my baby.  I miss being pregnant.  I miss the bond that I had already developed with my baby after just 6 weeks.  I then realized that for me, the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to me is pretending that I lost nothing.  And so writing about it has helped me tremendously process through my emotions and pain.  I have been writing in my journal nonstop since finding out and it has brought great comfort for me.  I have written out my feelings, my pain of missing my baby, scriptures, prayers, and promises of God.

I wish I could say that in time the emotional pain has gotten easier, but that hasn't happened quite yet.  I know that it will in time, and I just keep believing and trusting the Lord as He heals our hearts.  I have been reading Beside Still Waters by Spurgeon and this one devotional is what Justin read the day after my surgery. 

"This is how we deal with God.   Praise Him before you are delivered.  Praise Him for what is coming.  Adore Him for what He is going to do.  I do not think there is a sweeter song in God's ear than the song of one who blesses Him for grace that has not yet been tasted, who blesses Him for answers that have not been received but are sure to come."


Habakkuk 3:17-19
"Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor the fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls-yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.  The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills."

I know the Lord is good and He is doing a work in our hearts that I could never imagine.  He is answering prayers that I may never know.  I praise Him for his sovereignty over our lives and His healing hand, though I may not "feel" it everyday.