Last week was not supposed to be one of the hardest weeks of our lives. It was actually supposed to be one of the happiest weeks for us. We were planning to announce our pregnancy after our 10 week Doctor appointment. I had it all planned out. I knew how I wanted to tell people, I knew the picture that I wanted to post, I thought in my head how I wanted to write about it on my blog. I went over and over in my head how I would write about the time when I first told Justin we were expecting and how exciting that moment was for us. I couldn't wait till that Doctor appointment and to hear our baby's heartbeat for the 2nd time. It was supposed to be such a great week. But the Lord knew that it was not the week that I was expecting, and He lovingly prepared me for it. After having some concern about the baby, I was able to get into the Doctor a day earlier than our regular appointment. We prayed and prayed for our baby, we prayed our baby was healthy and everything would be okay. Our worst nightmare had come true when we heard the painful news that our baby had no heartbeat. I remember my first thought was how did this happen? What did I do wrong? I had such hurt and guilt just thinking of what I should have and could have done differently. I know this is a normal reaction for most women. The Doctors has reassured me that there was NOTHING I could have done. This was a part of the Lord's plan for us. His perfect, loving, and glorious plan that is for His Glory and for our good. I knew the Lord's hand was upon us and our precious baby. Though He didn't answer our prayers in the way we may have wanted, He has poured out his loving kindness upon us and has given us such hope in a time of despair. He has proven His faithfulness and love towards us over and over again and His presence was so near to me through my tears. I had to get a D&C the following day and spent the rest of the week recovery physically and emotionally.
So, now what? How do I go back to work and be normal again? Do I tell people what happened or do I just pretend that everything is okay, though deep down inside, I'm hurting deeply. Are we supposed to put on our happy face and act like we feel better already even though we actually feel like our lives have hit a full stop while everyone keeps moving around us? I know that having a miscarriage is very common and happens in 1 out of 4 pregnancies but for some reason, no one talks about it. It has been a taboo subject while couples mourn in secret. One article I read states, "In a society which continues to have a legal and cultural blind spot for the unborn, many suffer from the illusion that miscarriage doesn’t grieve a parent as much as the loss of, well, a “real child.” And that is precisely what hurts so much. We can never console someone in grief if we imply, even remotely, that the person they lost wasn’t real." The article goes on to say "...that was a real child. The life of that child matters, no matter how short it was. The death of that child matters, no matter how many may not cry. And the love I have for that child matters, even if nobody else knows." The pain is real, and I never realized just how real it is until last week.
I believe every couple grieves in different ways when they go through a loss like this. Some wish to keep private and not to talk about it. Some want to tell everyone so they can receive encouragement and prayers. And I completely understand and respect both sides. There are days where I don't want to talk about it and just want to hide in my room. Then there are days where all I want is to talk about how much I love and miss my baby. I want to talk about how I miss waking up every morning putting my hand on my belly and just praying over my baby. I miss being pregnant. I miss the bond that I had already developed with my baby after just 6 weeks. I then realized that for me, the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to me is pretending that I lost nothing. And so writing about it has helped me tremendously process through my emotions and pain. I have been writing in my journal nonstop since finding out and it has brought great comfort for me. I have written out my feelings, my pain of missing my baby, scriptures, prayers, and promises of God.
I wish I could say that in time the emotional pain has gotten easier, but that hasn't happened quite yet. I know that it will in time, and I just keep believing and trusting the Lord as He heals our hearts. I have been reading Beside Still Waters by Spurgeon and this one devotional is what Justin read the day after my surgery.
"This is how we deal with God. Praise Him before you are delivered. Praise Him for what is coming. Adore Him for what He is going to do. I do not think there is a sweeter song in God's ear than the song of one who blesses Him for grace that has not yet been tasted, who blesses Him for answers that have not been received but are sure to come."
Habakkuk 3:17-19
"Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor the fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls-yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills."
I know the Lord is good and He is doing a work in our hearts that I could never imagine. He is answering prayers that I may never know. I praise Him for his sovereignty over our lives and His healing hand, though I may not "feel" it everyday.
