God, Where Were You?

While I was reading the Devotional "Grieving the Child I never knew" there was one particular entry that stood out to me the most.  It was on the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  I have always loved this story in the Bible as there is so much to learn from it.  For those of you who may not be familiar with the Story found in John 11, Lazarus was very sick and he had 2 sisters, Mary and Martha. Verse 5 says,  "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, so when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed 2 days longer."  Say what?  Jesus seems to ignore Mary and Martha's plea for help and stayed 2 days without going to see Lazarus.  We then find out that Lazarus did indeed die and had been in the tomb 4 days by the time Jesus came to see him.  The first thing Martha said was, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  Then in verse 32  Mary fell at Jesus's feet and said "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." Of course, that's not the end of the story.  Jesus then goes to the tomb and says to Martha "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"  He then says to God in verse 42,  "I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me."   He then raises Lazarus from the dead!  The reason?  For His Glory!

Have any of you been in a situation where you cried out to God, "Lord were are (were) you??"  A time where you ask God to come near, but He kept you waiting and wondering? I know I have recently...twice. The day before our 1st baby died, I knew that it was possible I was miscarrying.  I prayed and cried out to God all day long to please heal and save our baby.  During my 2nd pregnancy, I knew for 2 weeks that our baby wasn't doing well and that I may miscarry again.  2 weeks of crying out to God.  2 weeks of sadness, hope, frustration, disappointment, faith, and all different emotions.  I cried and prayed for the Lord to perform a miracle.  Throughout this difficult time, I had thoughts of "Lord, where were you? You had the power to save our baby.  Why did you allow me to be pregnant twice, when you would take them both away from me? Why didn't you answer my prayer?"   The reason?  For His Glory!

I felt that I could totally relate to Mary and Martha in the scriptures when they cried out to Jesus "if only you would have been here".  They know Jesus was more than able to save Lazarus and heal him. They also knew that Jesus loved them.  And when the sisters asked Jesus for help, Jesus chose to wait.  He chose not to respond.  They probably couldn't understand why He hadn't at least acknowledged their request. They may have felt abandoned at a time when they needed Jesus most.  Was he being cruel to them?  Absolutely not.  He was waiting to respond until Lazarus was dead so that God could be glorified in a greater way (John 11:4)

The Lord had not responded in the way I had asked or wanted and I realize that is a part of the Christian life.  God's plan is so much better than ours, even when we don't understand it.  Just because He didn't respond in the way and timing that I expected, it doesn't mean He has abandoned me, or doesn't care. 
As a strong believer in the sovereignty of God, I knew His plan was good and perfect for me.  And it is only by Faith and God's grace that I can continue to press on and trust in Him.  Perhaps God just wants me to learn to trust Him through the silence.  He wants to reveal Himself to me in a different way.  I'm learning to listen and to wait.  I'm praying that the Lord would use me to comfort others who go through this pain.  I know without a doubt this pain is for His glory. 

When Lazarus died, Mary and Martha were devastated.  But then Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.  And through that, many Jews who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him (John 11:45).  My study Bible points out that John did not record Lazarus's reaction or any of the aftermath of his raising, except for the fact that many Jews believed in him as a result of seeing this miracle.   It's so simple...the focus is on Jesus, not Lazarus.  I pray that the focus of our pain would be on Jesus. 

***sidenote:  I have a lot more to say about this passage, so I decided to break it up into 2 parts...since this is already way too long and no one likes to read long blog posts!  ***

Unfulfilled Longings

I believe there are times when we will all experience unfulfilled longings. Sometimes the longings are brief, and sometimes they can last years.  During the 2 week period when Justin and I were waiting and praying for our little baby to make it, I read this devotional about Unfulfilled longings.  It brought great encouragement to me.  Just another example of how God's timing is so perfect:

"What does a heart in pain do with unfilled longing?  Wallow in self-pity?  Cry itself to sleep? There just aren't many options.  An unfulfilled desire is one of the deepest pains we can know.  It can challenge our identity and destroy our hope.  Do Christians struggle with unfulfilled longings?  Of course.  We like to think God is the center of our lives at all times, and all desires pale in comparison to him.  But passionate hearts aren't so easily tamed.  In our best moments, God may reign supreme and all other desire pale.  But we didn't lose our humanity when we were redeemed.  And our humanity still longs for what it can't have.  We can rebuke ourselves, of course, and tell ourselves that we've gotten our focus off of God.  We may be entirely right, but a rebuke doesn't usually satisfy us.  If our dreams are still unfulfilled and our cravings are intense, right answers won't help.  Even when they're wrong cravings-and they often are-we can take them to God.  There's no need to flee.  He understands how the human heart longs.

All our longings lie open before God, even when we don't want them to.  But it's best to let them lie honestly before Him, regardless of whether they are good or bad, right or wrong, godly or painfully human.  The God who created our hearts understands them.  He know how they hurt.  and He wants us to open them up before Him.  Do you long for the right spouse, a precious child, a meaningful career, a healed relationship, a different situation than you no find yourself in?  Welcome to life as a human being.  God may or may not fulfill that specific desire, although you can rest assured that He fully intends to fulfill the needs behind it.  In the meantime lay yourself bare before Him.  Don't hide your sighs.  Trust that the God who made you for Himself plans to fill you with Himself, with blessings beside. His timing isn't yours, but His love is.  Open yourself to it, even when it hurts."

The Silent Pain of Miscarriage...part 2

It's really hard to believe that I'm sitting here writing about our 2nd miscarriage.  I still feel like I will wake up from this nightmare that we have been living in the past few months and realize it's all just a bad dream.  But it's not a dream, and in fact we are facing the pain of having a 2nd miscarriage in a row.  Through the horrendous pain, the Lord has blessed us in many ways and has been so good to us.  I was only 6 weeks along this time, compared to being 10 weeks along last time.  I also went into the Doctor immediately after finding out we were pregnant again to get some blood testing done to see how the baby was doing.  Though I was understandably guarded, I had such faith that this pregnancy would go smoothly and we would be welcoming our little Junebug into the world around June 22nd.  I only had about 3 days to be excited about this pregnancy as I received that dreaded phone call that said my baby might not make it.  2 weeks later, our baby went home to be with the Lord.  It was 2 very painful weeks, going to the Doctor 4 different times, doing everything we could to save this pregnancy.  Every phone call I received, I was on pins and needles just praying for some good news, which I never received.  I had my closest family and friends praying for a miracle, that the Lord would shock the Doctors and the statistics and that our baby would be okay.  Though I may never understand this side of heaven, His plan was not to save our baby.  And His plan is better than we could ever imagine.  I remember going through the long 2 weeks of waiting, hoping, crying, and praying..asking the Lord to let the wait be over.  The unknown was so difficult to walk through.  It definitely was longer than what I wanted, but it could have been much, much longer.  So now a week later, I am sorting through all my mess of emotions, all while trying to continue through normal life.

I remember during that 2 weeks span, I kept telling people "I cannot go through another miscarriage, I just can't do it."  I knew how painful my first one was and I just didn't think I had anymore tears left in me or emotional strength to go through this a 2nd time.  But I remember my dear friend telling me, "you can't imagine it now because you're not going through it yet.  God will give you the grace to go through the pain if it happens."  She was exactly right.  God promises that He will give us the grace we need to go through all the pain, disappointment, suffering, and heartache we experience.  And somehow, here I am a week later, going through another heartache of losing a child...and it is only by God's grace that I can even write about it again.  It's only by His grace that I can even see all the blessings that He has poured out to us during this time. 

So as of now, I am taking it one day at a time.  Today was a good day.  I was filled with unexplainable joy and hope.  Yesterday was a bad day, filled with hurt, discouragement and fear.  But through my different emotions that seem to always be changing, I know one thing for sure: God is good. He is sovereign.  He never changes.  As I say to the kids before teaching a lesson from the Bible:  This is God's word, and it is ALWAYS true.  God fulfills his promises.  Will we ever have children?  I don't know.  What I do know is that HE has put this desire in our hearts to be parents and HE will fulfill it in the best way possible.  It may not be the way I want it to be fulfilled, but it is THE best way for the perfect plan HE has for us.  And what can I do now?  Trust Him.  Believe Him.  Meditate on Truth.  Cry out to Him.  Fight the urge to dwell in self pity.  Fight for joy.  Grow to Love Jesus more. 

The verse I have been clinging to during this time is Psalm 37:3-7
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit you way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act.  he will bring forth righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...

I pray that I will trust the Lord, Delight in Him, Commit my way to the Lord, be still before Him and wait patiently for Him.  I have definitely fallen short of doing these things many times, but I am thankful that God is teaching me and growing me during this time. 

To my little Junebug-It's pretty amazing the bond I felt with you just after 2 short weeks.   I wish I could have held you. I wish I could have seen what you looked like.  What joy it will be to meet you one day! 

I have told Justin many times that we have something extra to look forward to when we get to heaven....now we have even more to look forward to...seeing our 2 babies for the first time.