Remembering our baby Faith

February 10th is a date that will always resonate with me.  Tomorrow is our baby Faith's due date.  If things would have gone like I wanted, I would be holding our baby in my arms around this time.  It's so hard to believe that 9 months have already gone by since we first found out we were pregnant.   Oh how I miss her and wish I could hold her and kiss her.  I wish I could have seen what she looked like and heard her cry.  I have been dreading this day for a long time now but believe the Lord has given me extra grace to turn my grief into joy as I reflect back on the very short 10 weeks she was in my womb.  The day I found out I was pregnant for the first time holds a very special memory for me. The pregnancy came as a total surprise, which made it that much better.  Though the pregnancy ended abruptly and tragically, I still look back with fond memories of that day.  It was on a Friday which is my day off and Justin was at work.  There was something different that day that I couldn't really explain but I convinced myself there was no way I was pregnant.  As the day went on, I couldn't shake that feeling, so I went and bought a pregnancy test just to prove to myself that I wasn't pregnant.  I will never forget the shocking, amazing, and unreal feeling I had when the test said "pregnant".  I could not have been happier.  I cried and cried out of joy that the Lord would bless us like this.  Then I had to wait the whole rest of the day for Justin to come home from work to tell him in person!  I was a little nervous about his reaction since it would be a surprise.  So I wrote him a letter and bought a little something for him to open when he got home.  It took him FOREVER to get home it seemed and I don't remember being so nervous and excited!  So he got home and here was his reaction:

He opened up the little onesie that said "I love my Daddy" and his reaction was priceless.  He was so happy and I was crying, it was a special moment.  At one point he said "I need to sit down", which was classic. Then he said "Let's go out and celebrate!"  So we went to Tony's Mexican restaurant and talked and talked about everything.  That day changed everything.  It changed "our plans" for what we thought the near future looked like.  It was all another reminder that we are not in control and God is incredibly powerful and sovereign over our lives.  I never showed anyone this picture except my parents because it used to make me so sad looking at it.  Though it still makes me sad, I now look at it as a blessing. The moment that our baby Faith made us parents, and the moment where Justin and I grew closer together.  A moment where my heart immediately fell in love with a little baby that God had created for a special purpose.  A moment I look forward to being reunited with this precious blessing one day.

Whenever we told people the due date, the biggest reaction was "aww, a little valentine's baby".  I still like to think of her as our Valentine's baby.  She definitely taught me how much love a mommy can have for their baby even for such a short time.  She also taught me how deeply my heavenly Father loves me.  How much He cares and holds my tears.  This is definitely not the plan I would have chosen for myself especially during my 1st year of marriage, but God knew.  He loves me so much and knows what a glorious plan He has for me.  It doesn't come without heartache, but it is in fact beautiful.  I miss my baby so badly right now, but I can truly rejoice as my God is incredibly Faithful!

Worshiping While Waiting

This poem was in the book Hannah's Hope by Russell Kelfer.  It's just too good not to share!  

Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.

I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child you must wait."

"Wait?  You say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.

Is your hand shortened?  Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?

I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no,' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry;

I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait,"

So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut

And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,

Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,

When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night;

The faith that I give when you walk without sight;

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,

what it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'

Yes, your dreams for that loved one overnight could come true,

But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And thought oft' may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all....is still....wait."