The Beauty of Saying Something

If you have ever gone through a tragedy or hurtful situation, you see people respond in many different ways.  There have been people who have been so loving and thoughtful, that I wouldn't know how to make it through without these people.  Others have been silent.  Some people say the exact thing I needed to hear, and others say things that are hurtful.  And though there have been people who have said some dumb or hurtful things to me, I will not be writing a post about "what not to say to people who have lost a child".  You know those posts that are out there.  There is one about what not to say to to new moms, what not to say to adoptive moms, what not to say to working moms, stay at home moms, etc, and the list can go on.  As I'm sure these posts are helpful, I do feel like the majority of people say these things with good intentions and a sincere heart.  And when people do say something hurtful, we have to learn to give them GRACE.  What's worse, I fear that these types of posts make people shut down because they are so afraid to say the wrong things to each other.

I understand completely that people don't know what to say to me and they are scared they are going to say something wrong. But can I tell you what is more hurtful than someone saying something hurtful?  It's when people say NOTHING.  It's not what people have said that has been the most hurtful, it's what people haven't said that has been the most difficult thing to deal with.  After reading a few books about those who have lost a child, I realized I was not the only one who felt this way.  A continued pattern I saw was when people said nothing and would even just pretend like nothing happened, it added to their grief.  For someone you don't know very well a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way.  Acknowledging that you are sorry and that this person experienced a great loss means a lot.  I would have people I didn't even know say this to me.  It's a short and simple phrase, but it's meaningful.  

I get that the reason why people don't say anything is that they don't want to bring it up to hurt me.  Maybe they think that I'm doing fine that day, and if this person brings it up to me that it will remind me of the loss and make me sad.  Can I tell you that there is no way I'm not thinking about Callie?  If someone does bring it up to me, I don't think "Oh I had just forgotten about it and now you reminded me of it and I'm sad"  It's always on my mind, so a person bringing it up to me will not cause more pain.  I may not feel like talking about it at the time, but just saying I'm sorry, I'm praying for you is very thoughtful. 

Even now almost 2 months after Callie's death, the texts messages I get, the cards in the mail, the hugs in person are incredibly meaningful.  Maybe even more meaningful than before.  It says something simple to me...it says you're not alone, we care about you and we continue to pray for you.  People also asking how I'm doing is helpful.  If I don't feel like talking about it, I can say a simple statement and end with thanks for asking.  If I do want to talk about it, I can say more.  Even when I don't feel like talking about it, I never ever walk away from that conversation and think "I wish they never would have asked me how I'm doing."  I so appreciate the question even if I'm not up for talking about it.   I have one friend who almost every single time I see her, she asks me how I'm doing.  Whether in a group setting or alone, I know she is aware of my hurt and wants to know how I'm doing.

I do not write this to make anyone feel bad or to push people to say things to me.  Please don't hear that.  This has been heavy on my heart and something I have learned through my experience that I thought would be helpful for others to know when a tragedy occurs with another friend down the road.  I really only write this to make people aware that saying SOMETHING is always, always, better than saying nothing.  I also try not to judge too harshly when I come across people who don't say anything to me, as I know I have done that before.  I'm sure I have avoided people who are hurting because I was afraid to say the wrong thing.  I may have even been afraid to walk down that dark road with them.  I may have been trying to avoid awkwardness.  But now I know better.  I hope to never do that again with those that are hurting.  I have now learned that every person's effort to acknowledge my loss, no matter how small, and no matter how much time has passed, is significant and remembered.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  

A Brother's Love

I started this post a few weeks ago but never got around to finishing it until now.  I haven't really felt like blogging lately mostly because I'm just SO tired.  I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.  When I had some time to write,  I just wanted to lay on the couch and take a nap.  All the shock has worn off and we are just exhausted from the whirlwind of the past month and half and what we have gone through.  I know that there are a many layers of grief and this is just one of them that is hitting us the past few weeks, just exhaustion.

After Callie died, I was very worried about Cooper.  It was hard to not only grieve for myself, but also grieve for him along with trying to be a good parent.  I knew he would be devastated about Callie since they spent every minute together and he adored her.  For their young age, they were exceptionally close.  Cooper has always had a very kind and compassionate heart, which has played a big part in his role of big brother.  It was so easy for him to care deeply for her and love being with her.  He is also very sensitive and has a hard time adjusting to change.  I thought this tragedy would be so hard for him to understand and it would destroy his little heart.  Thankfully, I was wrong...

Many people ask me how Cooper is doing. Surprisingly, he's doing really really well.  He has adjusted to the dramatic and sudden loss better than I could have ever hoped for.  The first 2 weeks were very hard and there were some rough moments, but after that he has been great.  The hardest moment we had was just a couple days after she died.  He woke up one morning asking about Callie. We explained to him again about how Callie died but that she is in heaven with Jesus.  He then laid on the floor and starting sobbing.   A very genuine cry of grief and a cry that I had never really heard him cry before.  As he was crying he said that he wanted to die so that he could be with Callie in heaven.  It was absolutely heartbreaking.  We tried to comfort him the best we could and Justin talked to him mostly as I just cried with him.  About 5 minutes later he bounced back and was over it just like a normal kid.  That moment was so hard to watch, but also I felt somewhat relieved to see him go through a moment of grief as it helped us know he is really understanding.  That was the only moment we have seen him truly grief over the loss of his sister.

I know there were/are many people praying for Cooper.  I was told many times that they were praying specifically for him and the Lord has done a work in his heart.  As I mentioned in a previous post about the viewing, I was so surprised to see how mature Cooper responded and how he seemed to truly understand what was happening when he saw her.   There is something so true and real about childlike faith.  The Lord gives children this understanding faith well beyond their years.  Cooper knows she is with Jesus in heaven and I believe it has brought him comfort.

Cooper does talk about Callie a lot and mentions her almost everyday which brings me joy.  There was a time when I felt so sad that Cooper seemed to have moved on so quickly and was doing so well.  I almost felt like he forgot about her, though I know that is not true.  I am SO glad that he is doing well and has adjusted to this tragedy better than expected,  but I also didn't want him to just move on and forget her.  I want him to always remember her and have special memories of her.  The other day, he was pretending to play with Callie.  It was so heartbreaking and so sweet all at the same time.  He mentions her name in passing a lot.  He will see something that was hers and say "that's Callie's"  or "Callie loves this".  He used to say things like "I want to play with Callie again"  or even ask if Callie is coming if we go somewhere, but as more time has passed,  he understands more and doesn't ask those type of questions.    Just this morning he was singing a song that he made up (something he does regularly with his guitar) and he was singing something about Callie and Jesus dying on the cross.  I couldn't understand all the words, but it was the sweetest song.

The first few weeks after Callie died, we naturally cried a lot and all the time.  Poor Cooper has such a sweet and sensitive heart that he always stops what he is doing when anyone cries and comes over to the person and usually just looks at them with compassion and sometimes ask if they are okay.  We would respond with we are just really sad because we miss Callie.  Sometimes he would say that he misses Callie too.  Other times he would say, "it's okay Mommy, Callie is with Jesus".  So sweet. We still cry a lot, but we are able to control it a lot more now.  Cooper will now come up to me randomly if I'm quiet and ask "Mommy, are you happy?"  It is such a heartbreaking question.  Of course I'm not happy, but I don't want him to think that I'm always sad.  I simply respond by telling him I'm so happy to be his Mommy.

I'm not naive to think that Cooper seems to be doing great and that he will be fine.  I know he will be fine as the Lord is so near to him and taking care of him.  But we also know he could be really affected by this loss.  He is already going through some extreme separation anxiety right now.  It's gotten much worse over the past month.  We pray daily for wisdom to love and parent Cooper well through this.  I think because Cooper acts so happy and normal right now, people assume he is back to normal.  And it's true, for the most part, you wouldn't be able to tell that he went through one of the hardest things a 3 year old can go through.  The Lord has given him such faith and I know he will be changed by this.  We know Callie's death has purpose.  We know it was not meaningless.  I believe the Lord will use this specifically in Cooper's life.  I don't know exactly how, but down the road, the Lord will use Cooper in other's lives.  I love how God created him with such a big heart with compassion and sensitivity towards others.  Please continue to pray for him and that the Lord would be near, that He would continue to give him faith in knowing that Callie is with Jesus, that he would preserve his memories of Callie, and that the Lord would use this in Cooper's life to draw him closer to the Lord and be used in other's lives through this.  God has great plans for Cooper and I can't wait to see it.

One Month without Callie

Today marks one month since Callie went to be with Jesus.  For most people it has probably flown by.  But for us, it has been the longest month of our lives.  Every day feels like a week as the days just crawl by.  It feels like it's been 4 months since July 4th and not because it's hard to remember her or remember that day, but only because the days are just so long.

I know I say this often, but we miss her so much.  I think of her all the time and what we would be doing together that day and what she would be like.  I think about how sweet and fun her personality was.  She didn't have a mean bone in her body.  She was just a joy to be around and was so special to us.  I also think about July 4th a lot whether I want to or not.  It's like a videotape that constantly plays in an endless loop in my mind, running through all that happened that day.  Random things make me sad.  Walking around the grocery store and seeing a mom with her kids makes me sad.  A part of me is upset that they are so happy and the other part of me wants to tell her how lucky she is she has her kids.  Seeing kids Callie's age makes me sad.  Seeing happy posts and pictures of people's kids on Facebook makes me sad, which is why I can't scroll through Facebook anymore right now.  Thinking about her 2nd birthday makes me sad.  I know it's far away, but I still just can't imagine her not being here for her 2nd birthday.

To be honest, I didn't really feel like writing a blog post today.  It's been a hard week.  We feel a dark cloud over us that just won't go away no matter where we are or what we do.  I also just don't feel very encouraging right now so I didn't think a blog post would be a good idea.  But then I realized the reason I write is for me as it's therapeutic, and also for others who may read this one day who experience a loss of a child.  So I must be honest with the hard road we are on.  And that sometimes I just don't feel like saying all right things and just want to shout out, "this stinks, this is not fair and I just want our daughter back and get back to normal again."  But at the same time, I do have to speak truth to myself.  I do have to think about things that are true and what Scripture says.

A few weeks ago, Justin and I watched a video called Flame On.  It was about the Jasper family who lost their 5 year old son in a dune buggy accident.  I read his book in 3 days and then we watched the video which documented their grief journey just a couple months after the accident.

At the end of the video, they said, "What do you know about God on the hardest day of your life?" Go to the deepest thing you know about God and hang on."

What do I know about God on the worst day of my life?

I know God is good
God is faithful
God is sovereign
Nothing catches God off guard
My sins are forgiven
Jesus Christ lives in me
I know for certain I'm going to heaven
He never makes a mistake
God loves me unconditionally
God uses everything that touches my life for my good
God uses everything that touches my life to accomplish His purpose
God's grace is totally sufficient
God's plans for me are for my welfare
God's will for me is good and perfect and acceptable
God heals
God delivers
God sets the captives free
God gives joy in the midst of adversity
God will see me through this storm
God will provide my every need
I don't have to carry my burdens alone with fear of anxiety and worry
I don't have to live in fear of the future
I don't have to live in shame

Thinking of these truths, and believing what I know is true when I don't feel like it, is what I must do daily on my darkest days.

I highly recommend watching the entire 40 minute video, it is powerful.  You can watch the video here:  Flame On

The Funeral

July 5th, the day after Callie passed away was a complete whirlwind.  Of course we didn't sleep the night before and I came downstairs at my parents house just downcast and sobbing.  I didn't want to think about planning a funeral.  It was the furthest thing from my mind.  How in the world can I plan a funeral for my baby girl who was in perfect health and happy just 24 hours ago??  It just didn't seem real.  I didn't know the 1st thing about planning a funeral and what to do.  I even said that I didn't want the funeral to be until the following week.  It was too stressful to think about and I just couldn't deal with it.  But then the hospital called Justin and told him that we needed to choose a funeral home ASAP.  What?  Already?  It has only been 12 hours.  When choosing a funeral home, then you're choosing the cemetery where she will be buried, a place where we will visit for the rest of our lives. That's a huge decision and I didn't like being rushed into it.  We have only lived in Spring a little over 4 years and I didn't know anything about Funeral Homes there.  Would we even stay in the Spring area?  We didn't know.  Should we plan the funeral in Kingwood where I grew up and where my parents were?  That seems like the easiest option, we already knew the funeral home and could use my parents church, but it just didn't sit well with me.  Our life was in Spring. Our home, our friends, our church.  The only home Callie knew was in Spring.  But where would we have her funeral?  Our church is a small Acts29 church that doesn't have their own building.  I really didn't know what to do.  It was the last thing I wanted to deal with, so I just prayed.

Through my 2 best friends who helped me, we had a place for the funeral that was so perfect.  A church we have gone to many times before and have dear friends who go there as well.  It's a beautiful church that wasn't too big and wasn't too small.  Right when I thought of it, I knew that was it.  Through one of their pastors that helps with funerals, he gave me some good advice on choosing a funeral home and talking with them first about days and times.  It is so much like planning a wedding, the funeral home and the church have to match up with their timing.  Except instead of planning the best day of your life, you're planning the worst.

I decided to have my dad come with me so we could go visit cemeteries and funeral homes in Spring to figure out which one we wanted to use.  We also had to go back to our house to get clothes and to get our poor dog.  I knew Justin was not ready to go back into our house and I didn't want him to go back there.  I knew it would be SO painful.  I also didn't want to bring Cooper with us and I knew we couldn't leave Cooper by himself right now so Justin stayed at my parents with Cooper and my mom while some visitors came.

 So here I am calling funeral homes, getting quotes, getting information on cemeteries, trying to figure out the place where we will visit for the rest of our lives.  I was stressed and just wanted it done.  One funeral home was incredibly helpful but after visiting the cemetery, I just felt sick.  It was ugly and incredibly hard to find.  So then I call the other funeral home that had someone training who answered the phones and just didn't know anything and was unhelpful.  We went to visit that cemetery location and loved it.  My dad and I both just said "this is it"  It was easy to find, peaceful and beautiful.  I really liked it.  We then went to that funeral home and met with one of the directors who was AMAZING.  I told him that we almost didn't choose this one because of the people answering the phones so they can maybe fix that issue down the road...but all in all we were so happy with everything we chose and how much we got accomplished.  We worked out details, then called the church to coordinate and everything was seeming to fall into place.  It was crazy since just 2 hours before I had no idea what we would do.  Thank you Lord.

We then take the dreaded drive back to our house.  The Lord gave me the grace to walk in and I was just running on adrenaline.  Haven't slept, showered, eyes puffy from crying and I'm just a mess.  I walk in and immediately just start gathering up all of Callie's stuff and throwing it in Callie's room.  Her stuff was everywhere.  My dad was helping me while I'm also trying to pack some clothes for everyone.  I was just trying to move as quickly as possible and get out of there.  Finally we get the stuff, get the dog, shut Callie's door and leave to head back to my parents house.  On the way back to the house I have a big breakdown.  I just cry out, "why did this happen to us?  Why is this our story for the rest of our lives?  Why does this have to be Cooper's story for the rest of his life?  Why do we have to through this?  It's just too painful, it's too much.  I miss her."  Something along those lines.  It was hitting me hard and the pain was just too overwhelming.

I then text some friends from church to let them know the funeral plans and ask them to help plan the funeral.  Say no more, our Pastor, music pastor, and friends planned the entire service for us.  Literally everything.  It was a huge blessing. I was too overwhelmed with planning the details that I just couldn't think anymore.  The only thing we wanted was Great is Thy Faithfulness and also Thy Will that was played at the beginning of the service.  Other than that, they pretty much planned the entire thing for us.  The slideshow, the music, everything was so perfect and it really ministered to us that they just took care of it all for us.

The rest of the week was crazy busy still planning things, grieving,  and getting investigated by CPS...you know, just normal everyday things.  And let me tell you, CPS was so kind, sensitive, and understanding of our situation and just a joy to work with....and yes that is MAJOR sarcasm.  And I will stop there because I have a lot of NOT nice things to say, and I'm sure they are reading this :)  Lets just say that most people cannot believe the way that they treated us.  It was awful.

Then Friday comes along which is the day of the visitation.  Justin and I had been discussing if we should let Cooper see Callie.  Justin felt pretty strongly that he should see her.  I was afraid that he wouldn't understand and would think she was sleeping or something.  We explained to him as much as we could for his little 3 year old heart and mind could handle.  We arrived there an hour before it was open to the public.  Justin, Cooper and I were able to go in there first by ourselves.  There were flowers everywhere and Callie looked beautiful.  There were parts of her that didn't exactly look like herself, but overall she looked like Callie and she was beautiful.  We talked to Cooper again and asked if he wanted to see her.  He said yes and it was the sweetest moment.  It was like he understood exactly what was happening.  He wanted to touch her and he kissed her head.  It was the sweetest thing.  He would also ask to see her at different times throughout the evening.  And he would touch her again or kiss her.  The Lord gave him understanding and we were so thankful.

We were blown away by all our family and friends who came to the visitation.  It was nice to talk to people I haven't seen in awhile but also hard to know what to talk about.  The support of everyone was overwhelming and encouraging.  There was a long slideshow of Callie playing in the background for people to watch as well.  As it gets closer to 7pm, people start to trickle out, and I knew that we would have to say our final goodbye to Callie.  The funeral would be closed casket, so it was the last time I would physically see her face again.  The grief hit me hard and I broke down.  I just didn't want to say bye to her.  I didn't want it to be the last time I saw her beautiful face.  It was so painful.  We said our last goodbye here on earth to her earthly body, but it was not our last goodbye.  We knew we would be reunited soon...

Saturday morning was Callie's service and I was extremely nervous.  I prayed in the car out loud on the way there and one of my big prayers was that people would be pointed to Jesus.  That God would be glorified through her death and people would come to know the Lord through her service.  We arrive and set a few things up and then we greet everyone that comes in.  It was so sweet to see some people who drove in that morning just for this.  People I never expected to be there showed up.  It blessed us greatly.  People were grieving with us and hurting for us.  Seeing people even for 1 minute and a quick hug ministered to me.

Then at 10am our family and our pastor gathered to pray before the service started.  We then walk in to sit down and the service starts with the lyrics video of Thy Will.  This song had really ministered to us that week and we wanted it included into her service.  Our friend and community group leader Josh reads Revelation 21:1-7 and then prays.  We then sing the song that we sang to Callie every night before bed, Great is Thy Faithfulness.  It's hard to even describe how we are feeling at this point.  It's just an overwhelming feeling of controlling our emotions but also wanting to soak it all in. We then sang Great are You Lord.  After we sang, we watched a video that our friend Trey put together for us.  He used the pictures I had of Callie and a few videos of Cooper and Callie together.  It was so sweet and special.  Everyone especially told me they loved the videos of Cooper making Callie laugh.  He always made her laugh, it was so special.  After the video our Pastor spoke a little about Callie.  One thing he said was that Callie's main dance move was the spin.  For the past few months, Callie would dance and would just spin and twirl in circles over and over again.  If music came on she liked, she would do her spin.  If we say, "dance Callie" she would do her spin.  She would even do it without any music.  Cooper would join her and it was just adorable.  Our pastor mentioned about her spinning at Jesus' feet.  It was an imagine that stuck with many people.

Our Pastor did an incredible job speaking truth and giving hope in an incredibly difficult time.  He is such a gifted speaker and the Lord used him to really speak truth to everyone and bring hope and peace to us.  After his sermon, one of our Elders closed out the service with prayer.  We then followed the pallbearers and were led out of the church and were ready to go to the cemetery.  Since we had greeted people before the service, Justin did not want to talk to anyone afterwards so we left immediately to go to the cemetery.  We had a private family service at the cemetery which was perfect.  Our pastor read scripture and said a fews words.  Then Justin wanted to say something so he stood up and touch her casket and starting praying to the Lord.  It's hard to even remember exactly what he said but it was very sweet and emotional.  He thanked the Lord for her life and the opportunity to be her Daddy for 18 months on this earth.  During his prayer he also spoke to Callie and told her that we would never forget her and the joy she brought to us and how much we loved her.  He told her to wait for us as we would see her again.  The Lord brings us comfort as we do grieve with Hope.  We know Callie is with Jesus and has no more fear, pain, tears, and sorrow.  We long to be with her.  Justin is such a sweet and good Daddy and you could get a glimpse of his heart by hearing him talk about her and praying to the Lord.  It was a sweet moment.

After the graveside service, our church helped with a reception lunch afterwards for our close friends and family.  Once again, they did everything for the lunch.  People set up, brought lasagnas, salads, drinks, desserts, etc.  It was nice to have a place to really talk to people especially friends and family who drove from out of town.  We talked to everyone we could and then it was time for us to go home.  We come home to our quiet, empty house partly relieved it was all over, and partly sad that our new life is just beginning without Callie.

Cooper and Peyton at lunch after the service

Justin suggested we get out of town for a few days since he was able to take another week off work.  We thought through a lot of options but finally decided to stay at the Woodlands resort for a few nights since they were running a deal there and we wouldn't have to drive anywhere far.  It really was so good for us to get away just the 3 of us.  It was too hard being at our house.  On our way there, we stopped by the cemetery to visit Callie and see what her site looked liked.  It was beautiful with all the flowers there.  It was also surreal as it sinks in more that she is not with us anymore.

We did have a good family time together at the resort even though we missed Callie terribly.  Cooper loves to swim and they have a great pool so we did have a fun time despite the deep sadness and pain we were carrying.  We read a lot and were able to spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer.  It was refreshing and good for us to just get away from everything for awhile.

Coming back to our house from our getaway without Callie was hard.  Being in our house and walking by her room is hard.  Everything reminds us of her.  She was such a light and joy and her presence is missed every second of the day.  We spent the rest of the week reading, resting, crying, and also picking out her stone for her grave which was a lot of work and decisions.

Before we knew it, Justin was back at work the following Monday, everyone had seemed to be getting back to normal and moved on, and here Cooper and I are left with our entire lives and world rocked.  Everything changed for us.  Every meal, every outing, every conversation, every playtime was different.  Everything.  It's hard to even explain the hole I felt.  We can't get away from the fact that she is missing and not here.  I can get out and I can hold conversations and I can smile and not cry, but deep down she is all I think about.  It's constantly on my mind and my heart hurts every second.  We love you Callie Gracie and we cannot wait to see you again!