It's been awhile since I've posted as I have a few posts that are half written. Sometimes it's hard to write all my thoughts out. I wonder if people will think I'm just stuck in my grief? Or that I'm just fishing for sympathy? Or that I'm STILL writing about my daughter's death? It's hard to navigate but here I go with some thoughts over the past few months.
The first big milestone was Callie's 2 year heaven day. I still sometimes can't believe that we have been living without her for 2 years. I have been reflecting a lot about the the past 2 years and how our lives have changed so much. We label everything in our lives as before Callie died or after she died. I sometimes can't believe I thought life was hard before Callie died. Of course there were hard things being parents of 2 under 3 but nothing like the aching sadness we live with daily. The anger that can spark of not having answers. The hurt of friends who seemed to disappear or never mentioned our loss. The deep ache of seeing my friends with their daughters when I don't have mine. The triggers of driving in the car and having flashbacks of that night. The confusion of why did this happen to us? The frustration of wondering if really any good is coming from this like I once thought. Even though we live these feelings sometimes weekly, sometimes daily, I know one thing now that 2 years have passed....it does get easier in some ways.
I think the hardest part for me after hitting the 2 year mark is the sadness I feel that it will become easier. That sounds absolutely crazy, as of course I'm glad I don't feel that excruciating shocking pain I felt the 1st year. There is something about time moving on that is sad to me. The more we move on with our lives, the less people we are around who knew her. The more time has gone by, the less people talk about her. Now that it is somewhat easier than before, I cry less about her. As I know that's not something I should feel guilty about, it makes me sad. People who have lost a child, say that their biggest fear is their child will be forgotten. And now I see myself facing this fear. And though I know close family and friends would never forget her, as a mom I do feel bad for moving on with our lives. It's just a natural feeling that life does move on as time goes on.
Another big milestone is that Nolan turned 18 months old. Usually turning 18 months is a fun milestone, but for us it brings so much sadness. Though I know Callie would now be 3.5 years old, it's hard not to picture her as 18 months old. I remember looking at my calendar so long ago to see when Nolan would be 18 months. It comes with dread, guilt, fear, and grief. I vividly remember Callie at 18 months old. I remember what she was like and her demeanor. It's so hard to not compare Nolan and Callie and how different they are. It's hard not to play the 'what if' game in my head. I really wish we could just skip this month and Nolan would be 19 months old. It's hard to even say that he's 18 months old when people ask me how old he is. It's honestly a very strange feeling that I believe I'll be feeling all month reflecting on Callie's last weeks with us.
Lastly, we found out we are expecting another baby boy. I am truly thankful for the gift of a new baby and I have no doubt that we will love and adore this baby boy. I know this sweet boy will be the perfect addition to my family, and exactly what our family needs, but with adding another boy, it has caused me to grieve Callie much more than I was before. It has nothing to do with having another boy, it's just something that is so hard to explain that I didn't want to share because I'm afraid of it being misunderstood. All that to say, the past few months have set me back pretty badly in my grief journey though these circumstances.
Grief really is an up and down path that is unpredictable. I have felt more distant and even hurt by the Lord than I did even during that first year. It's been a hard few months, and I know the Lord is doing something, I truly believe it even when I don't feel it. It's just been a hard grief journey. Thankfully going to a grief counselor regularly has been helpful for me to process through this grief that is so hard to explain. I know God is good, I know he has not forgotten me, I know that He is doing something, I know this is not our home.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Friday, February 2, 2018
Faith Proven Genuine
I've heard time and time again people tell me that they couldn't go through the loss of a child. That they aren't strong enough. That it's their worst nightmare and that they wouldn't be able to live on. Besides the fact that these comments aren't helpful at all, I'm left with only 1 response. I'm only "strong" because the Lord has given me strength to endure. He has given us grace upon grace to live through something a lot of people will never experience. There is no grace for your imagination. When you imagine losing a child, you don't have God's grace to walk you through it until it actually happens. But being in the midst of it, I can say He has given us so much grace to endure the impossible. I am not some chosen super strong spiritual person and that's why I'm able to go on. I'm an everyday mom who loved her daughter immensely and is relying on the Lord every single day. Some days are much better than others, but God has provided for our every need.
One of the biggest encouragements that I have seen from my own life over the past year is the testing and proving of my faith as genuine. Only God-given faith could sustain me through such grief and heartache, so I know it's the real thing. And I can also see how efficient His grace is-He has been able to sustain us through incredible pain and loss. He has given us hope in the midst of great discouragement. The fire still burns, but it does not consume. The pain is so real, and the hurt of not seeing my baby girl everyday is deep, but I am still able to say It is Well. And that is truly only by the Grace of God. By God's Grace, my own path is paved with promises of a glorious future beyond what I can see. Even more, my Savior is with me, guiding me and offering eternal treasures along the way.
Sometimes I think it can sound arrogant to say that my faith has been strong to endure such a deep loss and still trust in God. But at the same time, I know that is one of the purposes of Callie's death. It's to shout it out and for people to know that God is still good even through the deepest pain. He is trustworthy when I'm at my lowest point. If you know me, you know I am very real of the pain and heartache of losing Callie and how much I miss her. I will not sugarcoat how awful it is for your child to die out of no where. I'm not going to brush it off as this is just God's will and I'll be okay. Because it really SUCKS that I don't get to see Callie grow up. And I use that term because I don't even know how else to describe it. It's awful to watch everyone else around me raise their daughters while I'm missing mine terribly. But in the midst of it all, I know God is still good. I know he has deep purpose for our suffering. I hope to continue to be real of the pain and heartache I feel, but to also grieve with such hope. How we suffer does matter and I want to share it with others. Our faith is on display for others to see. I ask myself, what unique opportunities of gospel witness is he entrusting me with in the midst of the hurt and pain? When the Bible says to count it all joy when we face trials, part of the joy we have is finding out our faith works. There is joy in discovering our faith is genuine and it's the real deal.
When I am tempted to question God's goodness for allowing such pain in our lives, I have to remind myself that suffering is part of living in a fallen world, and as believers, while we are not spared from it, we are being purified and sanctified through it. Although we may never understand God's reasons for allowing pain to afflict us, we can be certain that, in Christ, our suffering is not pointless but is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory.
1 Peter 1:6-7
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
One of the biggest encouragements that I have seen from my own life over the past year is the testing and proving of my faith as genuine. Only God-given faith could sustain me through such grief and heartache, so I know it's the real thing. And I can also see how efficient His grace is-He has been able to sustain us through incredible pain and loss. He has given us hope in the midst of great discouragement. The fire still burns, but it does not consume. The pain is so real, and the hurt of not seeing my baby girl everyday is deep, but I am still able to say It is Well. And that is truly only by the Grace of God. By God's Grace, my own path is paved with promises of a glorious future beyond what I can see. Even more, my Savior is with me, guiding me and offering eternal treasures along the way.
Sometimes I think it can sound arrogant to say that my faith has been strong to endure such a deep loss and still trust in God. But at the same time, I know that is one of the purposes of Callie's death. It's to shout it out and for people to know that God is still good even through the deepest pain. He is trustworthy when I'm at my lowest point. If you know me, you know I am very real of the pain and heartache of losing Callie and how much I miss her. I will not sugarcoat how awful it is for your child to die out of no where. I'm not going to brush it off as this is just God's will and I'll be okay. Because it really SUCKS that I don't get to see Callie grow up. And I use that term because I don't even know how else to describe it. It's awful to watch everyone else around me raise their daughters while I'm missing mine terribly. But in the midst of it all, I know God is still good. I know he has deep purpose for our suffering. I hope to continue to be real of the pain and heartache I feel, but to also grieve with such hope. How we suffer does matter and I want to share it with others. Our faith is on display for others to see. I ask myself, what unique opportunities of gospel witness is he entrusting me with in the midst of the hurt and pain? When the Bible says to count it all joy when we face trials, part of the joy we have is finding out our faith works. There is joy in discovering our faith is genuine and it's the real deal.
When I am tempted to question God's goodness for allowing such pain in our lives, I have to remind myself that suffering is part of living in a fallen world, and as believers, while we are not spared from it, we are being purified and sanctified through it. Although we may never understand God's reasons for allowing pain to afflict us, we can be certain that, in Christ, our suffering is not pointless but is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory.
1 Peter 1:6-7
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
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