A Few Thoughts

It's been awhile since I've posted as I have a  few posts that are half written.  Sometimes it's hard to write all my thoughts out.  I wonder if people will think I'm just stuck in my grief?  Or that I'm just fishing for sympathy?  Or that I'm STILL writing about my daughter's death?  It's hard to navigate but here I go with some thoughts over the past few months.

The first big milestone was Callie's 2 year heaven day.  I still sometimes can't believe that we have been living without her for 2 years. I have been reflecting a lot about the the past 2 years and how our lives have changed so much.  We label everything in our lives as before Callie died or after she died.  I sometimes can't believe I thought life was hard before Callie died.  Of course there were hard things being parents of 2 under 3 but nothing like the aching sadness we live with daily.  The anger that can spark of not having answers.  The hurt of friends who seemed to disappear or never mentioned our loss.  The deep ache of seeing my friends with their daughters when I don't have mine.  The triggers of driving in the car and having flashbacks of that night.  The confusion of why did this happen to us?  The frustration of wondering if really any good is coming from this like I once thought.  Even though we live these feelings sometimes weekly, sometimes daily, I know one thing now that 2 years have passed....it does get easier in some ways.

I think the hardest part for me after hitting the 2 year mark is the sadness I feel that it will become easier.  That sounds absolutely crazy, as of course I'm glad I don't feel that excruciating shocking pain I felt the 1st year.  There is something about time moving on that is sad to me.  The more we move on with our lives, the less people we are around who knew her.  The more time has gone by, the less people talk about her.  Now that it is somewhat easier than before, I cry less about her.  As I know that's not something I should feel guilty about, it makes me sad.  People who have lost a child, say that their biggest fear is their child will be forgotten.  And now I see myself facing this fear.  And though I know close family and friends would never forget her, as a mom I do feel bad for moving on with our lives.  It's just a natural feeling that life does move on as time goes on.

Another big milestone is that Nolan turned 18 months old.  Usually turning 18 months is a fun milestone, but for us it brings so much sadness.  Though I know Callie  would now be 3.5 years old, it's hard not to picture her as 18 months old. I remember looking at my calendar so long ago to see when Nolan would be 18 months.  It comes with dread, guilt, fear, and grief.  I vividly remember Callie at 18 months old.  I remember what she was like and her demeanor.  It's so hard to not compare Nolan and Callie and how different they are.  It's hard not to play the 'what if' game in my head.  I really wish we could just skip this month and Nolan would be 19 months old.  It's hard to even say that he's 18 months old when people ask me how old he is.  It's honestly a very strange feeling that I believe I'll be feeling all month reflecting on Callie's last weeks with us.

Lastly, we found out we are expecting another baby boy.  I am truly thankful for the gift of a new baby and I have no doubt that we will love and adore this baby boy.  I know this sweet boy will be the perfect addition to my family, and exactly what our family needs, but with adding another boy, it has caused me to grieve Callie much more than I was before.  It has nothing to do with having another boy, it's just something that is so hard to explain that I didn't want to share because I'm afraid of it being misunderstood.  All that to say, the past few months have set me back pretty badly in my grief journey though these circumstances.

Grief really is an up and down path that is unpredictable.  I have felt more distant and even hurt by the Lord than I did even during that first year.  It's been a hard few months, and I know the Lord is doing something, I truly believe it even when I don't feel it.  It's just been a hard grief journey.  Thankfully going to a grief counselor regularly has been helpful for me to process through this grief that is so hard to explain.  I know God is good, I know he has not forgotten me, I know that He is doing something,  I know this is not our home.