Why "Let me know if you need anything" Isn't Helpful

This is something that has been on my heart for awhile now, but I must write a few disclaimers as I want to be sensitive to those who said this to me with the best intentions.   First of all, if you said this to me after Callie died, please know this is not written about you, so do not feel bad!  90% of people said this to me, so it really is not about anyone specific.  Also, I KNOW I've said this to people ALL.THE.TIME. before Callie died, and I really had no idea how unhelpful it was until now.

With that being said, the most common phrase that practically everyone said to me after Callie died was "Let me know if you need anything."  I got this from people who live far away, people who live close, people I haven't spoken to in years, and people who I see everyday.  From distant friends to close friends, everyone said this to me.  And you know how many people I actually let them know I needed something?  Zero.  But I totally get it.  People have absolutely no idea what to say to me and how to help, so they text me or end a conversation with "Let me know if you need anything." And I politely say Thank You, knowing I probably won't ever hear from that person again. 

 I know people want to do something but don't know what to do.  And quite honestly, I have no idea what I need either.  That first week of complete and utter shock and despair, I couldn't think straight.  I had every person tell me to let them know if I need anything, and I just wanted to scream out, "I don't know what I need, please just think of something yourself."  And I have learned over the past 3 months, that the most helpful people were the ones who thought of something to do for me, then ask me if they can do it, and I can either say yes or no.   And even if I said no, I was so thankful that person thought of something to ask me.  

For example, planning Callie's funeral was something I desperately needed help with.  People took care of it for me.  I had a friend call me and say, "we would love to put together a slideshow for Callie's funeral, is that something you would want?"  YES, YES I do want that!  I never would have thought of it myself, because my mind was mush but I'm so thankful they thought of it themselves and did it for us.  Someone else asked me if we would want a lunch for close family after the funeral and I said yes and they did that for us.  Those are just a few examples from the first week, but after the funeral, and the weeks and months following, is when we need people even more.  

Here are some specifics things I have learned from people over the past 3 months:

• Be specific in how you can help your friend in need.  This doesn't just apply to a friend going through grief, it could apply to  someone who just had a baby, someone who is stressed, someone who is moving, or someone with sick kids at home and overwhelmed.  Instead of saying, "let me know if you need anything",  say, "can I bring you a meal today?", "Can I watch your kids for you so you can rest?", "can I come over and visit with you today or tomorrow?", "Can I help plan something special to remember Callie?"  Just thinking of something specific and asking them is SO much more helpful than being general.

• When being specific, state it in a way as something you would love to do for them.  Even though I was experiencing grief, I didn't like to burden people.  It was so nice when people asked to help in a way that wouldn't be a burden to them.  "I'm going to the store, can I pick up something for you?"   "My son would love to play with Cooper and we have nothing going on the next 3 days, can we watch Cooper for you? Or have a playdate?"  "I would love to bring you a meal this week, which day works for you?"  When the person stated it in a way that  seemed like they really wanted to do it for me, it really blessed me.  

• Bring them food!  I can't stress that enough.  The first week after Callie died, we stayed at my parents house, and my parents Bible Study class brought over food all week.  One person dropped off a huge box of Chelsea's chicken salad, pasta, fruit, bread etc, and we were able to eat on that for lunch all week (and if you live in Kingwood, you know and love Chelsea's).  My church brought us meals for 3 weeks and our neighbors for 2 months!  It was such a blessing not to think about cooking food.  No matter what type of stress a friend is going through, most people won't turn down an offer to bring a meal.  

• Try to remove "Let me know..." from your vocabulary completely.  Not just, "Let me know if you need anything" , but even saying "Let me know if you want me to bring you a meal."  Yes that is specific, but it's still putting the ball in their court and then they have to call you up and say, "Remember when you said let you know if we need a meal, well, we could really use a meal this week."  It's just more awkward to ask for it and it makes me feel like you didn't really mean it (though you may have).   I heard a lot, "let me know if you want to get together."  And I just stare blankly as I'm not sure if they really want to get together or just saying that.  I understand they don't want to burden me but I can always say no if I don't want to get together.  It's just more helpful to say, "do you want to get together on Monday?" and I can either say yes, or no if I'm no feeling up to it.  

• Learn what the person in grief wants.  Everybody is completely different.  For me as a stay at home mom, my life went from taking care of 2 kids, to taking care of 1 and it has been so painful, especially since Cooper doesn't need as much direction and attention as Callie did.   Being alone with just Cooper makes it harder as the days are super long.  I have memories all around us and our day to day has changed completely.  Having play dates and get togethers is something I really needed and still need.  Being alone is hard for me especially since I'm alone all the time, and being with people is a nice distraction.  But for some people in my situation, they would want to be alone.  I had a few people tell me they wanted to give me my space, but I didn't need or want space.  I wanted to be around people and specifically for Cooper to have friends to play with.  He and Callie played together every.single.day and his instant playmate was gone.  It was shocking for both of us.  I didn't realize how much they played together until she was gone.  When I shared this with people, some people would say, "well, let me know if you want to have a playdate."  And I just think, "didn't I just tell you that's what I wanted?"  It's been so nice when friends and neighbors have initiated get togethers with us and having fun outings with Cooper has been a blessing and makes the days go by faster for us.

It's hard asking people for help. For some people, it's easier than others.  There are probably just 3-4 people in my life that I feel comfortable enough to ask for their help, and even then it's hard.  So when people say, "let me know if you need anything", it's too hard and overwhelming to actually call them up or text them and ask them to do something for me.  Most people won't do that especially with people we aren't very close to.  I'm so thankful for people who thought of things I haven't even thought of to offer help.   These are all things I have learned during my grief from other people.  I feel badly now when I think about all the people I have said, "let me know if you need anything" to before this.  I just didn't know.  I think it's a very natural and common phrase we say to people in need almost like saying "how are you" to people when we pass them. 

The biggest advice I've learned is that if you know someone experiencing grief, think of a specific way you would like to help (bringing them a meal, having them over for dinner, plan a playdate, hire someone to clean their house, offer to help them pack, plan something for the loved ones birthday they lost, sit and listen to them talk about their grief), and ask if that is something you can do.  Even if you think "I don't know if they would want this," Just ask and the person can always say no.  You never know, the thing you think of could be exactly what they needed, they just didn't realize it.  

3 Months without Callie

It's been over 3 months now without our Callie.  Here are some random thoughts going through my head after 3 months of the most intense grief most people will ever experience.

• I still go through shock somedays.  Because Callie died so unexpectedly, the shock can hit me at random moments.  I still can't believe this happened.  I still can't believe she is actually gone.  

• We now define our lives as before Callie died, and then after she died.  Our lives are completely different now.  Everything changed. Our family changed, our personalities changed, our emotions, the way we think, the way we act, our friendships changed, etc, etc. 

• I have become more of an introvert now.  Not so much that I have to be alone all the time, but I really really don't like being around large groups of people.  I actually have social anxiety now, which I have never had before.  I pretty much HATE small talk and try to avoid it as much as possible.  I don't really like meeting new people now because I know I will at some point have to explain what happened to our family.  At this point in our lives, I don't feel like starting all over with people.  I do love being around a small group of people who know me well and I can be comfortable around.  But being around a large group of people, especially people I don't know well,  can be hard for us.  I am constantly afraid that someone will ask me how many kids I have or more questions about my family that I will have to explain in a very awkward setting.  

• Some of our friendships have changed.  Many people who have walked the road of grief will tell  you that their friendships have changed through it.  Some of my friends I have gotten so much closer to through this.  Our friendships went deeper and they have chosen to really walk through this dark road with me.  We've had people dive more into our lives than beforehand, which says a lot to us.  They are choosing to be friends with us during our darkest times, knowing they won't get anything in return right now, since we can't be the greatest friends right now.  Then there are friends that have distance themselves from us because they don't know what to say or what to do and that makes me sad.  I know that is just a part of grief.

• It is hard for me to be around little girls who are the same age as Callie.  For some reason, it's not as hard for me to be around boys her age, maybe because I already have a boy, or maybe because the boy doesn't remind me as much as Callie.  But seeing a little girl around the same age as Callie can really pierce my heart. 

• Going to church is hard.  I've talked to other moms who have lost children and they have all said going to church for them was hard too for about a year.  Singing in church is very, very hard.  Every song we sing reminds us of our loss.  I can't sing a song without thinking about Callie.  Our church in particular has gone through a ton of change at the same time Callie died which makes it even harder.  Our church is much bigger, with many new people and I don't have the emotional energy to invest in right now.  I'm sure I can come across as rude, but this is a part of grief that most can't understand.    I know it won't always be like this, but for now it's hard. 

• I'm afraid that people will forget about Callie.  Since she was old enough for us to have a ton of memories with her, but young enough to not have her own friends yet or her own teachers, I'm afraid that people didn't know her well and will forget her.  It's one reason I post her videos and pictures all the time.  I just don't want her to be forgotten and I wish I could do more to keep her memory alive and to honor her.

• July 4th plays in my head on a loop over and over again.  I really wish I could get it out of my head, I really wish the images would get out of my mind, but they won't for now.  And I can't imagine how much worse that is for Justin. 

• I really hate that Callie died on July 4th.  Why oh why did it have to be on a holiday?  Why did it have to be on a day where people are off work, celebrating, parading, and shooting off fireworks?  It's just salt in a wound.  I so wish it was just a regular ordinary day, but it wasn't and it's something we have to deal with for the rest of our lives, every 4th of July. 

• Justin and I grieve very differently.  It can be hard since no one knows what we are going through except for each other, but yet we are grieving in completely different ways.  I like being around close friends or small groups.  Justin doesn't really want to be around anyone since he is an introvert in that way.  If he is having a hard day, he wants to be alone.  I love looking at her pictures and videos, and for Justin it is very very hard to look at her pictures and videos.  I'm public about my feelings and he is private.  Everyone grieves so differently, and even though we have gone through the same type of grieve, we are grieving in different ways. 

• Speaking of grieving differently, it's so true that there is no grief like the one you go through.  You can't compare grief.  When people try to compare their situation to mine, it can make me cringe.  Some people try to relate, but it's usually not helpful.  

• We are planning to move into a new house.  We don't know when exactly, but we assume it will be sometime over the next 6 months or so.  We have talked about moving before Callie died since Justin got a new job and has a much longer commute, so it's not like we are making a rash and sudden decision.  Justin wanted to move the day after it happened.  It's very hard for him to be in this house.  I am okay being in the house and think it will be very hard to leave all her memories behind, but I do think it will be healthy for our family to start fresh in a new home especially having a new baby.  Of course this does not mean we are moving on and it will not heal our hurting hearts, but it will help especially not having to put the new baby in her room.  

• Every Single Day is hard.  It may not look like it in your eyes, but deep down our hearts are shattered and hurting deeply on the inside.  Some days are completely unbearable, and other days are just regular hard.   We think about her all the time. The  'Why Me' questions can still pop in my head.  I don't see much fruit from her death yet and that is hard.  When people complain about small things, that can be hard.  Even just seeing happy, intact, healthy families everywhere I go is hard.  

• God's Grace is sufficient.  Though we have hard days, there is absolutely no way I could get through this deep pain without relying on the Lord.  The is no way I can even function without knowing and believing in God's sovereignty.  I know He is carrying our deep burdens and I know He is doing a big work in our lives and the lives around us even when we don't see it.