3 Months without Callie

It's been over 3 months now without our Callie.  Here are some random thoughts going through my head after 3 months of the most intense grief most people will ever experience.

• I still go through shock somedays.  Because Callie died so unexpectedly, the shock can hit me at random moments.  I still can't believe this happened.  I still can't believe she is actually gone.  

• We now define our lives as before Callie died, and then after she died.  Our lives are completely different now.  Everything changed. Our family changed, our personalities changed, our emotions, the way we think, the way we act, our friendships changed, etc, etc. 

• I have become more of an introvert now.  Not so much that I have to be alone all the time, but I really really don't like being around large groups of people.  I actually have social anxiety now, which I have never had before.  I pretty much HATE small talk and try to avoid it as much as possible.  I don't really like meeting new people now because I know I will at some point have to explain what happened to our family.  At this point in our lives, I don't feel like starting all over with people.  I do love being around a small group of people who know me well and I can be comfortable around.  But being around a large group of people, especially people I don't know well,  can be hard for us.  I am constantly afraid that someone will ask me how many kids I have or more questions about my family that I will have to explain in a very awkward setting.  

• Some of our friendships have changed.  Many people who have walked the road of grief will tell  you that their friendships have changed through it.  Some of my friends I have gotten so much closer to through this.  Our friendships went deeper and they have chosen to really walk through this dark road with me.  We've had people dive more into our lives than beforehand, which says a lot to us.  They are choosing to be friends with us during our darkest times, knowing they won't get anything in return right now, since we can't be the greatest friends right now.  Then there are friends that have distance themselves from us because they don't know what to say or what to do and that makes me sad.  I know that is just a part of grief.

• It is hard for me to be around little girls who are the same age as Callie.  For some reason, it's not as hard for me to be around boys her age, maybe because I already have a boy, or maybe because the boy doesn't remind me as much as Callie.  But seeing a little girl around the same age as Callie can really pierce my heart. 

• Going to church is hard.  I've talked to other moms who have lost children and they have all said going to church for them was hard too for about a year.  Singing in church is very, very hard.  Every song we sing reminds us of our loss.  I can't sing a song without thinking about Callie.  Our church in particular has gone through a ton of change at the same time Callie died which makes it even harder.  Our church is much bigger, with many new people and I don't have the emotional energy to invest in right now.  I'm sure I can come across as rude, but this is a part of grief that most can't understand.    I know it won't always be like this, but for now it's hard. 

• I'm afraid that people will forget about Callie.  Since she was old enough for us to have a ton of memories with her, but young enough to not have her own friends yet or her own teachers, I'm afraid that people didn't know her well and will forget her.  It's one reason I post her videos and pictures all the time.  I just don't want her to be forgotten and I wish I could do more to keep her memory alive and to honor her.

• July 4th plays in my head on a loop over and over again.  I really wish I could get it out of my head, I really wish the images would get out of my mind, but they won't for now.  And I can't imagine how much worse that is for Justin. 

• I really hate that Callie died on July 4th.  Why oh why did it have to be on a holiday?  Why did it have to be on a day where people are off work, celebrating, parading, and shooting off fireworks?  It's just salt in a wound.  I so wish it was just a regular ordinary day, but it wasn't and it's something we have to deal with for the rest of our lives, every 4th of July. 

• Justin and I grieve very differently.  It can be hard since no one knows what we are going through except for each other, but yet we are grieving in completely different ways.  I like being around close friends or small groups.  Justin doesn't really want to be around anyone since he is an introvert in that way.  If he is having a hard day, he wants to be alone.  I love looking at her pictures and videos, and for Justin it is very very hard to look at her pictures and videos.  I'm public about my feelings and he is private.  Everyone grieves so differently, and even though we have gone through the same type of grieve, we are grieving in different ways. 

• Speaking of grieving differently, it's so true that there is no grief like the one you go through.  You can't compare grief.  When people try to compare their situation to mine, it can make me cringe.  Some people try to relate, but it's usually not helpful.  

• We are planning to move into a new house.  We don't know when exactly, but we assume it will be sometime over the next 6 months or so.  We have talked about moving before Callie died since Justin got a new job and has a much longer commute, so it's not like we are making a rash and sudden decision.  Justin wanted to move the day after it happened.  It's very hard for him to be in this house.  I am okay being in the house and think it will be very hard to leave all her memories behind, but I do think it will be healthy for our family to start fresh in a new home especially having a new baby.  Of course this does not mean we are moving on and it will not heal our hurting hearts, but it will help especially not having to put the new baby in her room.  

• Every Single Day is hard.  It may not look like it in your eyes, but deep down our hearts are shattered and hurting deeply on the inside.  Some days are completely unbearable, and other days are just regular hard.   We think about her all the time. The  'Why Me' questions can still pop in my head.  I don't see much fruit from her death yet and that is hard.  When people complain about small things, that can be hard.  Even just seeing happy, intact, healthy families everywhere I go is hard.  

• God's Grace is sufficient.  Though we have hard days, there is absolutely no way I could get through this deep pain without relying on the Lord.  The is no way I can even function without knowing and believing in God's sovereignty.  I know He is carrying our deep burdens and I know He is doing a big work in our lives and the lives around us even when we don't see it.