How Joy and Grief Collide

It has been awhile since I have written about my grief journey.   I've had a few blog posts started but I never finished them.  Entering the 6 month mark of Callie's death and dealing with grief has proven harder than I expected. Blogging came easier to me the first 6 months than it has now.  I have found it hard to find a good healthy balance of being open and honest with my grief and pain, but also seeing my heart of having hope and trusting God's goodness and sovereignty in our lives.  So I would start writing, but then never finished.

Life in general has been hard lately.  Grieving has also come in more frequent waves it seems.  We are so thrilled and happy that Nolan it here, but it has brought up a lot of emotions and painful memories.  I knew that it would happen, but you can never really prepare yourself emotionally.  Someone mentioned to me that joy and grief co-exist like railroad tracks running next to each other.  I thought that was a good analogy as I pictured it in my head.  The Joy we have in Cooper and Nolan does not take away the pain we feel for Callie.  But also the pain of losing Callie doesn't overshadow the joy we have in Cooper and now Nolan.  They just go together.

A big example of this is the birth experience we had with Nolan.  Physically, Nolan's birth was wonderful.  I enjoyed almost all of it and everything went so smoothly.  Emotionally, it was pretty exhausting.  The hardest part was having to continue to answer questions about our children.  Since we had multiple nurses and just a lot of other people in and out of our room over the 3 days we were there, everyone asked what number birth this was for me.  Of course I answer that it's my 3rd.  After I answer that question, I start to get anxiety as to whether or not they stop there or start asking more questions.  The question that usually comes next is what the gender of my kids are.   I would answer again and then usually try to change the subject.  I just did not have the emotional energy to get into our story and then make people feel bad or uncomfortable.  The worst was the day after Nolan was born and the lady who was doing his hearing test asked us what our daughter thought about having a little brother (after asking the usual first questions).  It caught me off guard and I pause and then tell her that our daughter died.  It still hurts to say that out loud.  We don't know what she would have thought about having a little brother or how she would have acted towards him.  It definitely stings.

To experience such joy and deep grief at the same time is a very strange experience.  Giving birth again and having a newborn in the house again does bring back some sweet but also painful memories.  I had one evening in the hospital when I grieved so deeply over Callie while everyone was sleeping, but then soon later being so thankful and happy to have Nolan.  It's such a mix of emotions that the joy that we have even brings the grief to the surface at times.  I wish that joy would take away the grief, but it just doesn't work that way.  We are learning to live our life with joy and grief, like a lot of people do on a daily basis.  I just never knew how hard it would be.

It has been hard, as expected to bring home a new baby without having Callie here.  We should have 3 carseats in our car now, but Nolan is now in the same place where Callie was.  I find myself accidentally calling Nolan "baby girl" a lot as I called Callie that all the time.  There should be more chaos and more stress with having 3 kids under 5 years old.  But it's more quiet,  and a lot easier (though still really hard) than it should be.  I've already done the 2 kid thing, and when I see people with 3 kids the same ages as mine, it does hurt a little.  Not having a daughter anymore really stings.  I once heard someone say that life will be a little less sweet and death will be a little less bitter.  Our life will never be the same.  We enjoy such sweet moments as a family, but they will always be a little less sweet.  We will always have someone missing and the thoughts of what our family would look like.

One of the sweetest things is seeing Cooper with a sibling again.  He is the BEST big brother and loves having siblings.  It was so hard seeing him lose Callie and not having a friend to play with everyday and I'm so thankful he has Nolan.  Cooper wants to hold him all the time and kisses him, hugs him and tells him he loves him everyday.  He is always asking where he is (because he is always sleeping) and he will tell Nolan how cute he is all the time.  It cracks me up.  I pray they will always be close and be best friends their whole lives.

There is a deep sting that the loss of Callie has left on us that is unending.  It's hard to know how to enjoy Nolan while grieving Callie.  How do I live in the present but not forget the loss we will grieve a lifetime?  How do I try not to have my grief keep me from bonding with Nolan?  It's a difficult balance.  It's hard that life is a little less sweet now, but it makes us depend on the Lord even more.  Nolan is such a blessing and a gift to us, and though he never knew his sister, I pray her life will have a lasting impact on him.