Callie's 5th Birthday

It's so hard to believe that Callie would be 5 years old.  Missing a 5 year old girl in our home is something I think of every single day.  Sometimes it's just a fleeting thought, and others is a deep pain that takes my breath away like it happened yesterday.  I remember walking into grief share just a month after Callie died desperate to learn more about grief and be with others who felt such deep pain like I did.  As we shared our stories, the Lord gave us another family there who had lost their young daughter, except it had happened 2 years prior.  When they shared,  I naively was surprised that they were in grief share after 2 years had passed.  Though I knew this pain I would carry the rest of my life, I foolishly thought in 2 years things would be so much better.  I wondered why would they need grief share after 2 years?  I really can't believe I thought that now.  

Looking back, now 3.5 year in, I would say the short term was easier than I expected it to be, and the long term is harder than I expected.  That first year was SO hard and I've never cried so much in my life, but God's Grace was so near and I was surrounded by loving, caring and thoughtful people.  Now after 3.5 years, the tears are not as often, but the deep pain and the heartache of missing her is still so strong and always will be.  It's starting to really settle in that there is not a day to come that I won't be a little sad.  Even joyful times and celebrations are tinged with a little sadness.  I think the challenge is not to stop the grief, but to choose joy in the midst.  Does time really heal all things?  I think not.  It dims things, becoming more like a low hum in the background of life.  It pushes the worst bits to the back for a season, but there are some things I'm certain time on this earth can't heal.  

Here is the truth:  I'm sad and I think that's okay.   It's ok that I'm terribly sad and completely heartbroken that I won't be with my daughter to celebrate her 5th birthday.  That I miss out on throwing her any girly birthday party.  It's okay to feel sad that my 2 younger boys will never know their sister.  It's ok that I feel sad that I'm reminded daily of the 4.5 age gap in Cooper and Nolan. I feel sad when people call me a boy mom when they don't know.  I'm sad that I do not get to raise my daughter and watch her grow up.  But, being sad is not the same thing as despair.  There is one critical difference: Hope.  I have hope in the Lord and I trust He is good even when the worst has happened.  Because I know a day is coming when "everything sad will come untrue." It's not about being rid of it, it's about living a full life of joy no matter our circumstances in the little time we have here on this earth.  

I want to trust that God will be found in the hidden, unseen places and the fruit would be so sweet--especially when costly. 

To my sweet Callie girl....Happy 5th Birthday!  It is a true joy being your mom.  I love you dearly and so wish I could have 1 more day with you. I wish I could get a peek at what you would look like today.  I pray always that many people will know Jesus more through your life and death.  You have made such an impact with just 18 months here on earth.  I so wish I could throw you a cute girly birthday party with your friends.  We miss you so much but I know you are having the best birthday ever in heaven.  I made a promise to you the week after you went to heaven that I would not waste this pain that I feel. That your death is not meaningless.  I know I have failed many times, but I do hope that I have made you proud.  This has been so costly, I don't want it to be wasted.  I love you baby girl, Happy Birthday!