"A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of months and have set limits he cannot exceed." Job 14:5
Everyone wants to know what happened to Callie. Though most people haven't directly asked me this question, I see it asked on social media, and I know people want to know. And I get it, when a child passes away, I always want to know what happened? It's a normal question. I also believe people want to know details so they can somehow prevent it from happening to them. But here is what I know now more than ever....we are not in control. We can do every little thing right for our children, and be crazy overprotective. You can wrap your house in bubble wrap and face your child backwards in the car until they are 5 years old. You can have them eat all homemade organic food and never allow them to touch processed junk. You can never allow them to do anything remotely adventurous, you can helicopter them and drive yourself crazy never leaving their side....you can be a very protective parent, but ultimately, we are not in control. God is the author of life, he gives and he takes away. He numbers all our days. He knew before Callie was even conceived that she would only live for 18 months. There was absolutely nothing we could do to change this. Trust me, I have already driven myself crazy with the "what ifs", but it's just not beneficial and certainly not biblical. Am I saying that somehow I could have saved her but God cannot? Could God have saved my child? Absolutely. When we were in the hospital, crying out to God to spare Callie's life, could He have saved her? YES, YES! But he didn't. It was His plan. We don't understand and it stinks, but we trust the Lord because we know he is good, loving, wise, and faithful.
What I do know is that whatever happened to Callie, it has to be extremely rare. I took her to the doctor 2 weeks before she passed away and the doctor was not concerned about her one bit. She was also ALWAYS happy. She slept well, she ate well, she was never in pain. There is no way I would ever known that there could have been something wrong with her. Even the day she passed away, she was SO happy. I remember her running around the house with Cooper, playing legos and giggling like all our normal days.
In one of the books I'm reading about a Father who lost his 5 year old son, he was really struggling with guilt. As parents, we are supposed to protect our children, so it is very natural to struggle with that guilt no matter how they died. It is a struggle I have to fight daily. One of his pastor friends told him, "you could have carried that child around on a feather pillow all day, and he still would have died that day." God is SOVEREIGN and it has never brought me more comfort than now. There was nothing we could have done. I'm thankful that I serve a God who KNOWS our future, who determines it, and it's not in our control. Our days are already numbered and I'm so thankful he doesn't tell us what day that is. Some people think having a shocking and unexpected death like Callie's is worse than a slow, knowing it's coming death. And though the shock is definitely worse with the unexpected, I'm so glad we didn't know ahead of time the day Callie would pass away. We had such a fun few months before she died. We went to the beach with Justin's family, we went to San Antonio resort and sea world with my family, we did a ton of fun things with our little family when Justin had a week off. We will always have sweet happy memories to look back on, and for that I am thankful. She had a full and fun life. She was loved well by many, many people.
To sum up this random post, I am so thankful God is sovereign and HE has our days numbered. I'm so thankful He is in control and not us. I'm not saying at all to be negligent with your children, the Lord gave us wisdom and discernment for a reason. But please don't fall into the lie that we are somehow in control. And please do not be scared of Callie's Story. I will most likely not share what we find out about the results of the autopsy. It's not beneficial.
I want Callie's story to be used to point people to Jesus, not to point people to fear. That is my prayer and my desire.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
Callie Grace Cummings
Deep down inside, I have always wanted a little girl. Don't get me wrong, I am crazy about my little boy and the bond we have and absolutely love having a boy....but when we found out we were having a girl, I was so thrilled. Cooper and Justin have such a special bond, they go off and do a lot of "boy" things together just the 2 of them, and I love it. I was so looking forward to having some "girl" time with our Callie. I was blessed with a wonderful pregnancy with Callie, no complications and fairly easy overall. Then on December 17, 2014 we welcomed the most beautiful baby girl into the world. Callie Grace was born at 3:46pm. She was 7lb 13 oz, 20 in. Like a typical girl, her arrival came with some drama. You can read more about the famous epidural (or lack thereof) and her birth story here.
Callie's trademark were her cheeks. She had the cutest, sweetest, biggest cubby cheeks. Every nurse, doctor, friend, or random person who came in our room would comment on her cheeks. She was famous for them. I love them. Justin and I would joke that we couldn't see her chin. Where was her chin?? Her cheeks just took over her face.
The cheeks did die down some over time, but thankfully not too much and they were just irresistible to kiss. She had beautiful brown hair and big hazel eyes. I kept thinking her eyes would change color, but they never did. Some days they looked blue, some days they looked green or even brown. They were so unique and beautiful. She looked so different than Cooper. Cooper is very white and got the Collier white gene as we say. Callie didn't quite get her Daddy's olive completion, but she did get a good mix of Justin and I and she had beautiful skin. To say we were smitten was an understatement.
We did have a difficult first 3 months with Callie. She was colicky, had reflux and was pretty miserable, especially in the evening. It was a hard season to go through, but sure enough right at 3 months of age, she turned into a different baby. She was SO happy and easy going. She loved life and she adored her big brother. She loved being on her stomach and rolled over very early and kept rolling to get where she wanted to go. She was honestly such an easy baby after those first 3 months. She was so independent from the earliest age and could really entertain herself. When she started sitting up, I would place different toys around her and she would just play and play and I wouldn't hear a peep out of her. She hardly cried unless she was tired. She was a great sleeper, put herself to sleep on her own with zero training and started sleeping through the night at 6 months. She ALWAYS woke up so happy and playful.
It was such a JOY to get her up every morning. She slept with a lot of stuffed animals and especially loved her stuffed lamb that Mimi bought for her. She would throw her stuffed animals out of her crib when she woke up from naps and in the morning. Cooper always woke up earlier than Callie, and every morning he would BEG me to get Callie up. I would always say no, we needed to wait until she woke up. Once he heard the smallest peep out of her (she never cried, she would wake up "talking"), he would run in her room and say "good morning Callie" and they would both laugh and giggle. Cooper also loved getting in her bed with her in the morning and they would just play and laugh. They had a very special bond. I could write a whole blog post about their special relationship. They loved each other deeply. Cooper, especially adored his sister. He always wanted her around, he always wanted her to follow him, even though she was so independent and did her own thing. They played really well together for the most part. But when Callie had enough, she would let him know. One time, they were both playing in Cooper's room and Cooper was tackling her (in his normal gentle way) as they were playing and she just had enough. She went into her room and closed the door. A couple minutes later I opened the door slightly to check on her and she was just sitting on the floor reading her books. She just needed her space and her alone time :)
One of my big prayers for them that I prayed constantly was that they would be very close and best friends their entire lives. It breaks my heart for Cooper that his best friend is no longer here. It hurts to think that I will never see how close their relationship would be, how they would play together, fight together, and love on each other. Cooper was VERY protective of his sister. He looked out for her in public settings especially. Just a few days before she died, a girl kept taking her cheerio cup away from Callie and put it in a place she couldn't reach. Cooper would go get the cup and give it back to Callie. After it continued to happen, Cooper got very upset and told her very sternly it was Callie's. Another time, we were all at chicfila, and as we were about to leave, I went to throw some trash away before getting Callie and Cooper exclaimed "Mommy, CALLIE, CALLIE!!!" Poor guy thought I would forget her. I told him I would never forget his sister. They would also hold hands often in the car. He loved her, and he knew at a very young age his responsibility to be a big brother and what a privilege it was.
As Callie grew older, she became more feisty, fearless, independent and very opinionated. She knew exactly what she wanted and she had no problems letting you know. She loved to shake her head no when she didn't want something, and she would clap when I would guess the right thing that she did want. We read to her before every nap and nighttime and she was very opinionated about what book she wanted to read. I would pick out 2 or 3 (or 5 or 6...lol) books and she would push it away and shake her head no until I chose the one she wanted, and she then would sit quietly, listening to every word and help turn the pages. She knew exactly what she wanted. She also thought she was a big kid and wanted to keep up with her big brother. She had no fear. She got very upset if she wasn't allowed to do some of the things he could do. Our good friends went to the cemetery the day after the funeral with their kids who knew Callie. They sang songs, drew pictures, and shared their favorite memory of Callie. Their 4 year old son shared that he remembered Callie always wanting to play like a big girl at McDonalds. I had to laugh because it's so true. Callie did not want to miss out on all the fun the big kids were having. I would find her halfway up climbing UP the tunnel slide and would have to crawl up the slide to get her out. She definitely did not like me ruining her fun.
The girl loved to eat and would pretty much eat anything we gave her. Even from an early age, she never turned down food. She was always heading to the fridge wanting a snack. Before we ate a meal together she would fold her hands and say "pray, pray, pray" until we started praying. She ate healthy and would eat well, but when she was done, she was DONE. I was still working with her on not throwing food on the floor! Cooper never really did that, but this girl, she wanted to make a statement when she finished eating. She also threw her water cup or milk sippy cup on the floor when she finished it. Not just a little push on the floor...oh no, she would crank it back and literally throw it. It was not funny at the time, but now we can look back and laugh...especially my parents who claim I did the exact same thing.
Callie was also very smart. She started saying words early on and knew a ton of words. She "talked" and babbled a lot and understood everything we said. She was observant, could read people, and always had the best facial expressions. She can't hide her emotions and so many people told me that you knew exactly what Callie was thinking by her facial expressions. She was shy at first, but would warm up pretty easily to new people and environments. She was very adventurous and had no fear. She would explore everywhere and wanted to go anywhere she wasn't "supposed" to go to. I always said, when Callie is surrounded by 4 walls she is SO easy. But get her in an open area with any type of exit and we would be chasing her around everywhere. She wanted to explore the world. She didn't care to stay close to mom or dad, but was so independent. I had to watch her like a hawk especially compared to Cooper who will stay close by me. Her first time at the beach, she wanted to go straight into the water and would if we would have let her. She loved the water. She found such joy playing in our water table outside, the baby pool, splash pads, water fountains...anything with water, she was there. I changed her clothes often during the summer days since the kids wanted to go outside constantly to play in the water table and get soaking wet.
Callie was a very happy, joyful girl. She had a zest for life and was friendly and sweet towards others. She made us smile everyday. She laughed a lot and we called it her "hearty" laugh. It was this deep, super cute laugh. She would "dance" which would be her infamous twirl and would spin around in circles. It was the cutest thing. She also loved running up and down our long hallway from the front door to the back of the house. I would comment "here comes Callie" and she would just run up and down "singing" in her little cute voice that moved up and down as she ran. Cooper would sometimes join in with her as she would run. She loved peppa pig like her big brother and it was the only show she would watch. She would say "peppa, peppa" over and over again. She also had a love for jungle book, which we still don't understand where it came from since she never watches movies. The only thing I can think of is that it was Cooper's most favorite movie when I was pregnant with Callie and I wonder if she recognizes the sounds from the movie from the womb. Whenever she was sick and needed a distraction, we would put on jungle book and it would calm her right down. That movie will always hold a special place in our hearts.
Callie loved the outdoors and being outside like her brother. She loved going for walks in the double stroller or the wagon and going to see the ducks. She would always exclaim "duck, duck!!" when she would see the ducks. She would go bring her shoes to me when she wanted to go outside to play. There were times when she thought we were going in the garage to go for a walk, but we were actually getting in the car to go somewhere...well, she did NOT like that. She wanted to get in her wagon or stroller, not get in the car. I would have to tell Cooper to come in the car on her side so Callie would see that he is coming in the car with us. She also loved the park and loved swinging. We have a baby swing for her in our backyard and in the evenings I would push her in the swing while she watched her daddy and brother play baseball and football together. She was so content just swinging and watching them. She didn't want to get out when it was time to go in and take a bath. She also loved her baths. The kids would take a bath together every night and have a blast together splashing and playing with all the toys.
Callie loved her family. She didn't really have a favorite person, as she loved each of us in her own way. She did of course have a very special bond with her Daddy. Everyday he would come home from work, I would announce "daddy's home!!" and Callie would squeal and laugh and run into his arms. She wasn't as affectionate with us as Cooper is, but when she gave you hugs and kisses, it was special. Justin texted me the day that she passed away before putting her down for a nap and said that she leaned in and gave him a kiss, which melted his heart. She was a master of blowing kisses though. Whenever we said goodnight to Callie she would blow kisses over and over again to everyone. If we told her to tell someone bye bye, she would just blow them kisses instead.
I am so blessed to have known Callie for the 9 months I carried her, and the 18 months on this earth. She is a special little girl, full of life and brought joy to everyone around her. She is deeply loved and we miss her terribly. I miss her laugh, her smile and hearing her call me "mama" over and over again. Even on the day she passed away, she had such a fun day, smiling, laughing and spending time with her family. We are grieving but we grieve with HOPE. We know we will see her again and she is with Jesus. We love you sweet girl... a day does not go by that we won't think of you. You are the most beautiful, loving, and sweetest little girl and it is a joy to call you daughter. We will see you soon...
Callie's trademark were her cheeks. She had the cutest, sweetest, biggest cubby cheeks. Every nurse, doctor, friend, or random person who came in our room would comment on her cheeks. She was famous for them. I love them. Justin and I would joke that we couldn't see her chin. Where was her chin?? Her cheeks just took over her face.
The cheeks did die down some over time, but thankfully not too much and they were just irresistible to kiss. She had beautiful brown hair and big hazel eyes. I kept thinking her eyes would change color, but they never did. Some days they looked blue, some days they looked green or even brown. They were so unique and beautiful. She looked so different than Cooper. Cooper is very white and got the Collier white gene as we say. Callie didn't quite get her Daddy's olive completion, but she did get a good mix of Justin and I and she had beautiful skin. To say we were smitten was an understatement.
We did have a difficult first 3 months with Callie. She was colicky, had reflux and was pretty miserable, especially in the evening. It was a hard season to go through, but sure enough right at 3 months of age, she turned into a different baby. She was SO happy and easy going. She loved life and she adored her big brother. She loved being on her stomach and rolled over very early and kept rolling to get where she wanted to go. She was honestly such an easy baby after those first 3 months. She was so independent from the earliest age and could really entertain herself. When she started sitting up, I would place different toys around her and she would just play and play and I wouldn't hear a peep out of her. She hardly cried unless she was tired. She was a great sleeper, put herself to sleep on her own with zero training and started sleeping through the night at 6 months. She ALWAYS woke up so happy and playful.
It was such a JOY to get her up every morning. She slept with a lot of stuffed animals and especially loved her stuffed lamb that Mimi bought for her. She would throw her stuffed animals out of her crib when she woke up from naps and in the morning. Cooper always woke up earlier than Callie, and every morning he would BEG me to get Callie up. I would always say no, we needed to wait until she woke up. Once he heard the smallest peep out of her (she never cried, she would wake up "talking"), he would run in her room and say "good morning Callie" and they would both laugh and giggle. Cooper also loved getting in her bed with her in the morning and they would just play and laugh. They had a very special bond. I could write a whole blog post about their special relationship. They loved each other deeply. Cooper, especially adored his sister. He always wanted her around, he always wanted her to follow him, even though she was so independent and did her own thing. They played really well together for the most part. But when Callie had enough, she would let him know. One time, they were both playing in Cooper's room and Cooper was tackling her (in his normal gentle way) as they were playing and she just had enough. She went into her room and closed the door. A couple minutes later I opened the door slightly to check on her and she was just sitting on the floor reading her books. She just needed her space and her alone time :)
One of my big prayers for them that I prayed constantly was that they would be very close and best friends their entire lives. It breaks my heart for Cooper that his best friend is no longer here. It hurts to think that I will never see how close their relationship would be, how they would play together, fight together, and love on each other. Cooper was VERY protective of his sister. He looked out for her in public settings especially. Just a few days before she died, a girl kept taking her cheerio cup away from Callie and put it in a place she couldn't reach. Cooper would go get the cup and give it back to Callie. After it continued to happen, Cooper got very upset and told her very sternly it was Callie's. Another time, we were all at chicfila, and as we were about to leave, I went to throw some trash away before getting Callie and Cooper exclaimed "Mommy, CALLIE, CALLIE!!!" Poor guy thought I would forget her. I told him I would never forget his sister. They would also hold hands often in the car. He loved her, and he knew at a very young age his responsibility to be a big brother and what a privilege it was.
As Callie grew older, she became more feisty, fearless, independent and very opinionated. She knew exactly what she wanted and she had no problems letting you know. She loved to shake her head no when she didn't want something, and she would clap when I would guess the right thing that she did want. We read to her before every nap and nighttime and she was very opinionated about what book she wanted to read. I would pick out 2 or 3 (or 5 or 6...lol) books and she would push it away and shake her head no until I chose the one she wanted, and she then would sit quietly, listening to every word and help turn the pages. She knew exactly what she wanted. She also thought she was a big kid and wanted to keep up with her big brother. She had no fear. She got very upset if she wasn't allowed to do some of the things he could do. Our good friends went to the cemetery the day after the funeral with their kids who knew Callie. They sang songs, drew pictures, and shared their favorite memory of Callie. Their 4 year old son shared that he remembered Callie always wanting to play like a big girl at McDonalds. I had to laugh because it's so true. Callie did not want to miss out on all the fun the big kids were having. I would find her halfway up climbing UP the tunnel slide and would have to crawl up the slide to get her out. She definitely did not like me ruining her fun.
The girl loved to eat and would pretty much eat anything we gave her. Even from an early age, she never turned down food. She was always heading to the fridge wanting a snack. Before we ate a meal together she would fold her hands and say "pray, pray, pray" until we started praying. She ate healthy and would eat well, but when she was done, she was DONE. I was still working with her on not throwing food on the floor! Cooper never really did that, but this girl, she wanted to make a statement when she finished eating. She also threw her water cup or milk sippy cup on the floor when she finished it. Not just a little push on the floor...oh no, she would crank it back and literally throw it. It was not funny at the time, but now we can look back and laugh...especially my parents who claim I did the exact same thing.
Callie was also very smart. She started saying words early on and knew a ton of words. She "talked" and babbled a lot and understood everything we said. She was observant, could read people, and always had the best facial expressions. She can't hide her emotions and so many people told me that you knew exactly what Callie was thinking by her facial expressions. She was shy at first, but would warm up pretty easily to new people and environments. She was very adventurous and had no fear. She would explore everywhere and wanted to go anywhere she wasn't "supposed" to go to. I always said, when Callie is surrounded by 4 walls she is SO easy. But get her in an open area with any type of exit and we would be chasing her around everywhere. She wanted to explore the world. She didn't care to stay close to mom or dad, but was so independent. I had to watch her like a hawk especially compared to Cooper who will stay close by me. Her first time at the beach, she wanted to go straight into the water and would if we would have let her. She loved the water. She found such joy playing in our water table outside, the baby pool, splash pads, water fountains...anything with water, she was there. I changed her clothes often during the summer days since the kids wanted to go outside constantly to play in the water table and get soaking wet.
Callie was a very happy, joyful girl. She had a zest for life and was friendly and sweet towards others. She made us smile everyday. She laughed a lot and we called it her "hearty" laugh. It was this deep, super cute laugh. She would "dance" which would be her infamous twirl and would spin around in circles. It was the cutest thing. She also loved running up and down our long hallway from the front door to the back of the house. I would comment "here comes Callie" and she would just run up and down "singing" in her little cute voice that moved up and down as she ran. Cooper would sometimes join in with her as she would run. She loved peppa pig like her big brother and it was the only show she would watch. She would say "peppa, peppa" over and over again. She also had a love for jungle book, which we still don't understand where it came from since she never watches movies. The only thing I can think of is that it was Cooper's most favorite movie when I was pregnant with Callie and I wonder if she recognizes the sounds from the movie from the womb. Whenever she was sick and needed a distraction, we would put on jungle book and it would calm her right down. That movie will always hold a special place in our hearts.
Callie loved the outdoors and being outside like her brother. She loved going for walks in the double stroller or the wagon and going to see the ducks. She would always exclaim "duck, duck!!" when she would see the ducks. She would go bring her shoes to me when she wanted to go outside to play. There were times when she thought we were going in the garage to go for a walk, but we were actually getting in the car to go somewhere...well, she did NOT like that. She wanted to get in her wagon or stroller, not get in the car. I would have to tell Cooper to come in the car on her side so Callie would see that he is coming in the car with us. She also loved the park and loved swinging. We have a baby swing for her in our backyard and in the evenings I would push her in the swing while she watched her daddy and brother play baseball and football together. She was so content just swinging and watching them. She didn't want to get out when it was time to go in and take a bath. She also loved her baths. The kids would take a bath together every night and have a blast together splashing and playing with all the toys.
Callie loved her family. She didn't really have a favorite person, as she loved each of us in her own way. She did of course have a very special bond with her Daddy. Everyday he would come home from work, I would announce "daddy's home!!" and Callie would squeal and laugh and run into his arms. She wasn't as affectionate with us as Cooper is, but when she gave you hugs and kisses, it was special. Justin texted me the day that she passed away before putting her down for a nap and said that she leaned in and gave him a kiss, which melted his heart. She was a master of blowing kisses though. Whenever we said goodnight to Callie she would blow kisses over and over again to everyone. If we told her to tell someone bye bye, she would just blow them kisses instead.
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| Dancing with daddy |
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| She loved wearing hats |
Thursday, July 14, 2016
A New Chapter
As most of you have heard by now, our beautiful girl, Callie Grace passed away suddenly on July 4th. It has been 10 days now since we lost her, and it has been by far the hardest and longest 10 days of my life. It is only by the Grace of God that I am able to wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. The pain of losing her is so deep and some days feel so dark that it can be hard to breathe. But God is Faithful, His grace is sufficient. The verse that I am clinging to at this time is Lamentations 3:19-25
"Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and it bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him."
Great is Thy Faithfulness is the song we sang to Callie every night and it was also one of the songs we sang at her funeral. My heart is broken, but I know that God is good and He is faithful. I know He has a greater purpose and I have absolutely no idea what He is doing. I often wonder, Lord, why me? Why us? Why Cooper? And I will never know why, but I trust and know there is purpose. This is NOT meaningless. God is using Callie's short life for a greater good I will not know this side of heaven. Joy is coming, God always keeps his promises, and we have hope. The Lord will not forsake me, and He will give me a lifetime of grace. This is not a trial that will go away in a few months, or a few years, this is a trial I will endure throughout my lifetime. But His Grace is so great and I know He will give me the grace I need every minute, every hour, everyday, for the rest of my life.
I do not say all this to get a pat on the back, and for everyone to think how wonderful I am doing. Because I'm not doing wonderful, I hurt deeply and I have been in dark places. I even found myself just this morning dwelling in self pity listening to myself instead of preaching truth to myself. So I needed to write. I needed to continue to preach truth and scripture and listening to the truth of God's Word.
I try hard not to live in regret, but there are a lot of things I think about that I regret. I regret not kissing her one last time. I regret not soaking in every moment I had with her the weeks before she passed. I also regret that I stopping blogging about her. I blogged throughout Cooper's life, but I stopped at Callie's at 4 months old. Why did I do that? I know I was busy and had a lot going on with raising 2 small kids, but I so wish I would not have stopping blogging about her. So this is one reason why I started this blog again. This is for me, not for everyone else to read or to get likes or page views. This is for me to process, to honor Callie, and maybe one day the Lord will use it to minister to someone who may go through this horrible tragedy.
Thank you for being on this journey with us, thank you for your constant prayers and love. We grieve with Hope, knowing we will see her again. While everyone's life is getting back to normal, we are trying to find our new normal here as a family of 3. My next blog post will be all about Callie, about the amazing person the Lord created and how she was a true joy and delight to our family. It is a true honor to be her Mom.
"Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and it bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him."
Great is Thy Faithfulness is the song we sang to Callie every night and it was also one of the songs we sang at her funeral. My heart is broken, but I know that God is good and He is faithful. I know He has a greater purpose and I have absolutely no idea what He is doing. I often wonder, Lord, why me? Why us? Why Cooper? And I will never know why, but I trust and know there is purpose. This is NOT meaningless. God is using Callie's short life for a greater good I will not know this side of heaven. Joy is coming, God always keeps his promises, and we have hope. The Lord will not forsake me, and He will give me a lifetime of grace. This is not a trial that will go away in a few months, or a few years, this is a trial I will endure throughout my lifetime. But His Grace is so great and I know He will give me the grace I need every minute, every hour, everyday, for the rest of my life.
I do not say all this to get a pat on the back, and for everyone to think how wonderful I am doing. Because I'm not doing wonderful, I hurt deeply and I have been in dark places. I even found myself just this morning dwelling in self pity listening to myself instead of preaching truth to myself. So I needed to write. I needed to continue to preach truth and scripture and listening to the truth of God's Word.
I try hard not to live in regret, but there are a lot of things I think about that I regret. I regret not kissing her one last time. I regret not soaking in every moment I had with her the weeks before she passed. I also regret that I stopping blogging about her. I blogged throughout Cooper's life, but I stopped at Callie's at 4 months old. Why did I do that? I know I was busy and had a lot going on with raising 2 small kids, but I so wish I would not have stopping blogging about her. So this is one reason why I started this blog again. This is for me, not for everyone else to read or to get likes or page views. This is for me to process, to honor Callie, and maybe one day the Lord will use it to minister to someone who may go through this horrible tragedy.
Thank you for being on this journey with us, thank you for your constant prayers and love. We grieve with Hope, knowing we will see her again. While everyone's life is getting back to normal, we are trying to find our new normal here as a family of 3. My next blog post will be all about Callie, about the amazing person the Lord created and how she was a true joy and delight to our family. It is a true honor to be her Mom.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Happy 3rd Birthday Cooper!
I can't believe my baby boy, my first born is now 3 years old! Didn't he just look like this??
What can I say about Cooper? He is a very sweet and compassionate kid. He is extremely observant and has been that way since he was a newborn. He will sit back and observe for awhile before he joins in sometimes. He is very shy at first and needs about 5 minutes (sometimes longer) in any new situation that he is placed in before he starts to feel comfortable. If you play with him on the floor for a few minutes, you have already won him over. He is the type of kid that will have 3 very close friends that he will be loyal to than 20 acquaintances. He has such a sweet and tender heart! He can recognize when anyone is sad and will just stare at them with a very concerned look or try to comfort them if it's someone he knows well. If someone gets hurts, he gets very concerned and will even talk about it days and days later. He is also my snuggle bug! He is incredibly affectionate and loves to hug, kiss and cuddle all the time. He is a typical first born rule follower and is well behaved at school and with other people (though not always with me) :)
Though he can be shy and quiet sometimes, he is also hilarious and so much fun at home and when he is comfortable. Sometimes it makes me sad that other people don't get to see his true personality come out, but I so love how God created him. He is ALL BOY and loves to be outside, running all around the house, climbing and jumping off things, playing guitar, and ALL sports. He knows the Aggies and will say "Go Aggies, or Woohoo touchdown Aggies" anytime there is a football game on. He also gets to watch some baseball with daddy on some evenings since Daddy loves watching the Astros. He has an amazing arm and can throw any ball very hard. He has also mastered hitting the ball off the tee. His new favorite activity is playing football with Daddy in the backyard. He will get the ball like he is about the hike it, all while shouting out some numbers and phases (that he learned from daddy), and then he takes off running with the ball trying to get away before Justin tackles him. Though secretly he is dying to be tackled and giggles and giggles the whole time. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever.
He is also the SWEETEST big brother ever. I don't know how he understands that he is her big brother and that he is supposed to look after her but he clearly takes this seriously (most of the time…haha). He gets concerned if she rolls over, spits up, or does anything that could maybe bother her. The other day we were at chicfila and as we were about to leave, I got up to throw away some trash while Callie was still in the high chair. Cooper freaked out that I was going to leave Callie. Sweet boy, I won't forget your sister, but thank you for looking out for her. He also gives her sweet hugs and kisses all day, every day. He LOVES playing with her and they are so cute in the bath tub together. Of course, Cooper is still 3 years old and can still be a little rough sometimes. He loves "playing" with her on the floor which includes tackling her. He is usually fairly gentle, but Callie will definitely let him know that she has had enough! Between daddy and big brother, I'm not sure any guy will be good enough to date her :)
To Celebrate and Remember Cooper at 3 years old, here are his current favorite things:
Favorite thing he is into: DINOSAURS! He is obsessed with Dinosaurs right now, hence the reason he is having a dinosaur birthday theme.
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Movie: Jungle Book and Robin Hood. He has gone through phases of loving Toy Story, Lion King and Frozen, but Jungle Book and Robin Hood remain his favorites
Favorite TV show: PEPPA PIG.
Best Friends: Hudson and Maddie
Favorite Song: How Great Thou Art. This is the song we sing to him every night and he loves it
Favorite Snack: Popsicles (a.k.a. "supples") and homemade smoothies
Favorite Food: Pizza, and Tuna (yes he eats tuna almost everyday for lunch)
Favorite Drink: Chocolate Milk
Favorite Resturant: Chicfila
Favorite Stuffed Animal: The red river hog that Justin bought him at the zoo that he picked out. His name is Tiki
Favorite Toy: Anything Dinosaur, Trains, and his Noah's Ark animals
Favorite Book: Jesus Storybook Bible, Steam Train Dream Train, When Dinosaur's say Goodnight
Favorite Activity: Bouncing Bears and the Zoo
Happy Birthday Cooper, we are so thankful for you!!
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Callie is 4 months old!
Okay, the blog has been a little sad lately with only monthly updates of Callie that I'm sure are boring to most people….but it's a great place for me to write everything down and to look back on it. I might be able to start blogging more again now that I have my evenings back (more on that below).
So here is what is going on with this precious one at 4 months!
We went in for her 4 month check up this week and she weighs 12lbs 13oz (22nd%ile) Height: 24.75'' (66%ile), Head: 15.98'' (52%ile). The Doctor says she is growing right on tract though I have been somewhat worried about my milk supply keeping up with her…but she is one happy baby and she sure would tell me if she was hungry.
Eating: I'm still exclusively breastfeeding her and it is going very well. I'm finally at the point where it is actually easy now and I understand what everyone was talking about. I still hate nursing in public as I'm not very good at doing it modestly so that is a little stressful sometimes. I now even nurse her on one side at a time which is a big improvement and doesn't take near as long as before. She nurses about 5 times during the day and usually once at night. It's so nice to finally have a routine. We will probably start some food this month so that will be fun!
Sleeping: Praise the Lord, Callie is sleeping like a champ!! She has turned into a completely different baby this month in regards to sleeping. She used to FIGHT sleep so badly! It was so bad that it would take literally hours for her to go down to sleep for the night. Every.Single.Evening since Callie has been born, Justin and I would take turns holding her, walking around the house, shushing (if that is a word), and rocking her to get her to sleep. The colic was just rough in the evenings and she cried so much. She would usually finally fall asleep in our arms, but then once we put her down, she would wake up. So we would go through about 3 of those cycles every night until finally she just gave up and would stay asleep around 11 or 12am. The evenings were stressful and we weren't able to do anything! But now…Oh.My.Goodness, it truly is a miracle that she goes to sleep completely on her own! No rocking, no walking around…I just lay her in her crib awake, and she turns on her side, sucks her thumb and falls fast to sleep. Every now and then she will cry for about 5 minutes, but that is nothing compared to where we were. It's also a miracle that she is in her own crib and her room and doesn't need to be swaddled. She never slept well unless she was in her rock and play and swaddled. I was even doing research about how to wean your baby off swaddling. This all pretty much happened on her own one evening and she hasn't turned back. The other night, I put Callie down at 8, and Justin and I were able to watch a movie and relax the entire evening. I kept saying "do you remember how awful our evenings used to be? I can't believe we can just relax and watch a movie together!" It has made a world of difference to us, we can actually spend time together again and I can blog or do other stuff I need to get done…woohoo!
After I put her to bed at 8pm, she will usually wake up once at night to eat, around 4-5am but then go back to sleep. She then sleeps until 8am, and sometimes later if she didn't nap well the day before. I have her on a 2 hour schedule so she is awake for 2 hours and then naps for 2 hours (if I'm lucky). So if she wakes up at 8am, she will nap at 10am, 2pm and then a cat nap at 5:30pm. Sometimes she will only nap 45 minutes and sometimes 2 hours depending on the day. We are rarely home all day so then her naps end up being in the car or the stroller.
Milestones: Callie is a pro at rolling over. She can roll over from back to stomach and stomach to back but most of the time she rolls over on her stomach and just stays there. She also started sucking her thumb this month, but mainly when she is sleepy and going to bed. It's awesome that she can soothe her self to sleep. She also moved into her own room and crib, and goes to sleep on her own. She has just started to really interact with Cooper and notice him. Cooper is always giving her hugs and kisses and now Callie will try to touch him and grab him, which Cooper isn't too thrilled about.
Likes: She pretty much likes everything right now. Baths, going for walks, being outside, being around people, her daddy and brother. I think she will be a people person because she seems to always do well around other people and out and about. Good thing she is my 2nd child since we are out and about a lot more than if she was my 1st.
Looking back at Cooper's monthly updates, 4 months was also a very easy and fun age for him. I know once she is mobile, things will get more interesting, so I'm going to enjoy and soak in this sweet age.
We love you Callie Grace! You are such a joy to us!
So here is what is going on with this precious one at 4 months!
We went in for her 4 month check up this week and she weighs 12lbs 13oz (22nd%ile) Height: 24.75'' (66%ile), Head: 15.98'' (52%ile). The Doctor says she is growing right on tract though I have been somewhat worried about my milk supply keeping up with her…but she is one happy baby and she sure would tell me if she was hungry.
Eating: I'm still exclusively breastfeeding her and it is going very well. I'm finally at the point where it is actually easy now and I understand what everyone was talking about. I still hate nursing in public as I'm not very good at doing it modestly so that is a little stressful sometimes. I now even nurse her on one side at a time which is a big improvement and doesn't take near as long as before. She nurses about 5 times during the day and usually once at night. It's so nice to finally have a routine. We will probably start some food this month so that will be fun!
Sleeping: Praise the Lord, Callie is sleeping like a champ!! She has turned into a completely different baby this month in regards to sleeping. She used to FIGHT sleep so badly! It was so bad that it would take literally hours for her to go down to sleep for the night. Every.Single.Evening since Callie has been born, Justin and I would take turns holding her, walking around the house, shushing (if that is a word), and rocking her to get her to sleep. The colic was just rough in the evenings and she cried so much. She would usually finally fall asleep in our arms, but then once we put her down, she would wake up. So we would go through about 3 of those cycles every night until finally she just gave up and would stay asleep around 11 or 12am. The evenings were stressful and we weren't able to do anything! But now…Oh.My.Goodness, it truly is a miracle that she goes to sleep completely on her own! No rocking, no walking around…I just lay her in her crib awake, and she turns on her side, sucks her thumb and falls fast to sleep. Every now and then she will cry for about 5 minutes, but that is nothing compared to where we were. It's also a miracle that she is in her own crib and her room and doesn't need to be swaddled. She never slept well unless she was in her rock and play and swaddled. I was even doing research about how to wean your baby off swaddling. This all pretty much happened on her own one evening and she hasn't turned back. The other night, I put Callie down at 8, and Justin and I were able to watch a movie and relax the entire evening. I kept saying "do you remember how awful our evenings used to be? I can't believe we can just relax and watch a movie together!" It has made a world of difference to us, we can actually spend time together again and I can blog or do other stuff I need to get done…woohoo!
After I put her to bed at 8pm, she will usually wake up once at night to eat, around 4-5am but then go back to sleep. She then sleeps until 8am, and sometimes later if she didn't nap well the day before. I have her on a 2 hour schedule so she is awake for 2 hours and then naps for 2 hours (if I'm lucky). So if she wakes up at 8am, she will nap at 10am, 2pm and then a cat nap at 5:30pm. Sometimes she will only nap 45 minutes and sometimes 2 hours depending on the day. We are rarely home all day so then her naps end up being in the car or the stroller.
Milestones: Callie is a pro at rolling over. She can roll over from back to stomach and stomach to back but most of the time she rolls over on her stomach and just stays there. She also started sucking her thumb this month, but mainly when she is sleepy and going to bed. It's awesome that she can soothe her self to sleep. She also moved into her own room and crib, and goes to sleep on her own. She has just started to really interact with Cooper and notice him. Cooper is always giving her hugs and kisses and now Callie will try to touch him and grab him, which Cooper isn't too thrilled about.
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| Trying to play with her stuffed lamb |
Likes: She pretty much likes everything right now. Baths, going for walks, being outside, being around people, her daddy and brother. I think she will be a people person because she seems to always do well around other people and out and about. Good thing she is my 2nd child since we are out and about a lot more than if she was my 1st.
Looking back at Cooper's monthly updates, 4 months was also a very easy and fun age for him. I know once she is mobile, things will get more interesting, so I'm going to enjoy and soak in this sweet age.
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| Sweet girl sucking her thumb |
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| Couldn't believe she fell asleep in the mamaroo! |
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Callie is 3 Months Old!
We made it! Callie is now 3 months old!
My baby girl is no longer a newborn anymore and has graduated to a baby! Yippee! The newborn stage was very rough for both of my kids and I have always said things gets SO much better at 3 months, and it has been so true for Callie.
The first 2 and a half months for us were very hard. Going from 1 kid to 2 was hard enough, but on top of having a colicky/reflux baby made it much harder. We tried everything to help Callie, but I think it was just something she had to grow out of. I read that colic babies peak at 2 months and then gets much better by 3 months and that was exactly what happened. The past 2 weeks, she has turned into a completely different baby. She is content and happy and cries for normal reasons! It has made a WORLD of difference for everyone that she is so much better.
Sleeping: A couple of weeks ago Callie went from waking up once at night to waking up 2-3 times at night to eat. I'm guessing it was a growth spurt and then this past week she actually slept 12 hour straight for the first time! It was glorious! She also caught her first cold from big brother and has turned into a cough and her voice is hoarse which is so sad to hear. I think she might be tough like her brother because she hasn't been more fussy with the cold or sleeping bad. She has fallen into somewhat of a schedule taking 3 naps a day, sometimes 4 if the naps are short or in the car/stroller. She wakes up at different times in the morning, sometime 8am and sometimes if I feed her around 5 or 6 she will go back to sleep and sleep until 10am. I still swaddle her and she sleeps in our room at night, and in her crib for naps. After she gets past this cold, I'm ready for her to move into her room at night. Evenings can still be hard, especially putting her to bed for the night. She can go down for naps fairly easily, but putting her to bed at night, she fights it so hard. I really have no idea why she does this, but I'm sure she will get better at it.
Milestones: She has smiled real big this month which is so nice for this tired mama! She also coos and "talks" and it's so sweet. She doesn't like tummy time and isn't close to rolling over like her big brother did at just 10 weeks. Of course her biggest milestone is she is a content and happy baby now for the most part. She is getting more and more fun each day!
Likes: Her favorite thing right now is her playmat. She can lay on her back for a long time just batting at all the toys. She also loves her baths and could stay in there forever it seems. She is getting better at being in the car. There were times that she would cry the entire time in car for 30 minutes straight which was hard. She also likes being outside and going for walks in the stroller. She of course loves her big brother and the feeling is definitely mutual.
Cooper wanted to get in on the picture taking of course! He is the sweetest big brother, giving her kisses constantly and asking where she is all the time. If she is on her play mat, Cooper will lay right next to her and put his arm around her. I am so thankful for these 2! What a gift :)
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Callie is 2 Months Old!
Can't believe my baby girl is 2 months old!
I actually started a one month post last month but of course I never finished it since my life is preeeetty crazy right now with a newborn and toddler. It has been a rough 2 months since poor Callie has been in some sort of pain most of her life. She definitely has good days and bad days and I would say the good days are really good (for her) and the bad days can be really bad. She does have reflux and is on medicine but sometimes I think the medicine doesn't help at all and she has better days without it. It's hard to know exactly what is going on with her and why she is so fussy some days. We have her 2 month doctor appointment on Thursday so hopefully we can figure out what else may be going on. Everything I have read about colic describes her and I have read that most babies peak at 2 months and then slowly grow out of it by 3-4 months, so I'm really hoping that is the case for her.
Breastfeeding is going really well right now, much better than it went for Cooper. It's almost going too well, since she is having a really hard time taking a bottle, which is another frustration. She took a bottle like a pro her first month, but the past few weeks she is refusing it. We will keep trying and hopefully she will get used to it again. I'm nursing her every 2-3 hours during the day and sometimes she will go 4 hours. She seems to be gaining weight and is growing out of her newborn clothes. I can't wait to see how much she weighs. I think she is bigger than Cooper at 2 months. Love those cheeks!
She is sleeping really well right now. The first month is always hard and there were many sleepless nights, but I have made sure she only goes 2-3 hours between feedings during the day, even if that means waking her up (gasp!) and she has fallen in a great routine at night and is only waking up about once to eat and goes right back to sleep. She has slept a good 8-9 hours straight a few times which has been glorious! If she wakes up around 6 or 6:30 for a feeding, I will put her back to sleep and most of the time she will sleep until 9 which has been great! Cooper sleeps until 8 or 8:30 so I can have mornings to myself or sleep in if I want. I can also get Cooper up and dressed and feed him all before Callie wakes up which is very nice. I'm just so thankful she is sleeping well at night and can go right back to sleep after I feed her because being sleep deprived with a fussy newborn and toddler was really hard that first month.
The evenings are definitely the hardest with her, which is normal for colicy babies. Her last feeding is usually between 9-10pm and some nights she can go to sleep really easily and other nights it can literally takes hours to get her to go to sleep. It's hard to understand since she can go down for naps just fine during the day but putting her down for bed at night can be brutal. There have been many times when Justin or I will put her down and 5 minutes later she will wake up crying. I know this too will get better in time.
She takes a lot of naps during the day ranging from anywhere to just 30 minutes to 2 hours or longer. That is the hard part is not knowing if it will be a 30 minutes nap or a 2 hour nap. I'm hoping she will be ready to go 4 hours between feedings at 3 months old so she can be on a better schedule. She sleeps in the rock n play by my bed at night and I put her down for naps in her crib during the day so she can transition easily to the crib soon.
Right now Callie loves her baths and it really calms her down. She also likes going on walks and will fall asleep in the stroller. The car is hit or miss for her. Sometimes she will just cry the entire time in the car and other times she will fall asleep. Cooper has been such a champ and doesn't seem bothered at all by all the crying especially in the car. She doesn't like the swing or mamaroo at all which is just like her brother! She does like the bouncer and that has been a lifesaver for me. She also likes her little play gym and will look around and lay on that for awhile. Tummy time is hit or miss but big brother LOVES laying down next to her when she is on her back or tummy. She will grab the rings and toys that are reachable on the play mat and will track you with her eyes. She still hasn't given me a huge smile yet, so I'm hoping she will soon. Cooper starting smiling at 6 weeks so I'm trying hard not to compare them but it's hard.
Though she hasn't given a huge smile yet, she can wink..which is pretty talented for a 2 month old :-)
Though she can be fussy and it has been hard, we just adore her and think she is SO cute :) I love watching her grow everyday and see how much she changes. She gets cuter and cuter everyday it seems. Oh, and you have to check out her hair. She has a little mullet going on…all business in the front and party in the back…
Little old man hair! Might be time for a little ponytail already in the back! We love our Callie Grace and are so thankful for her!
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