God, Where Were You?

While I was reading the Devotional "Grieving the Child I never knew" there was one particular entry that stood out to me the most.  It was on the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  I have always loved this story in the Bible as there is so much to learn from it.  For those of you who may not be familiar with the Story found in John 11, Lazarus was very sick and he had 2 sisters, Mary and Martha. Verse 5 says,  "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, so when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed 2 days longer."  Say what?  Jesus seems to ignore Mary and Martha's plea for help and stayed 2 days without going to see Lazarus.  We then find out that Lazarus did indeed die and had been in the tomb 4 days by the time Jesus came to see him.  The first thing Martha said was, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  Then in verse 32  Mary fell at Jesus's feet and said "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." Of course, that's not the end of the story.  Jesus then goes to the tomb and says to Martha "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"  He then says to God in verse 42,  "I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me."   He then raises Lazarus from the dead!  The reason?  For His Glory!

Have any of you been in a situation where you cried out to God, "Lord were are (were) you??"  A time where you ask God to come near, but He kept you waiting and wondering? I know I have recently...twice. The day before our 1st baby died, I knew that it was possible I was miscarrying.  I prayed and cried out to God all day long to please heal and save our baby.  During my 2nd pregnancy, I knew for 2 weeks that our baby wasn't doing well and that I may miscarry again.  2 weeks of crying out to God.  2 weeks of sadness, hope, frustration, disappointment, faith, and all different emotions.  I cried and prayed for the Lord to perform a miracle.  Throughout this difficult time, I had thoughts of "Lord, where were you? You had the power to save our baby.  Why did you allow me to be pregnant twice, when you would take them both away from me? Why didn't you answer my prayer?"   The reason?  For His Glory!

I felt that I could totally relate to Mary and Martha in the scriptures when they cried out to Jesus "if only you would have been here".  They know Jesus was more than able to save Lazarus and heal him. They also knew that Jesus loved them.  And when the sisters asked Jesus for help, Jesus chose to wait.  He chose not to respond.  They probably couldn't understand why He hadn't at least acknowledged their request. They may have felt abandoned at a time when they needed Jesus most.  Was he being cruel to them?  Absolutely not.  He was waiting to respond until Lazarus was dead so that God could be glorified in a greater way (John 11:4)

The Lord had not responded in the way I had asked or wanted and I realize that is a part of the Christian life.  God's plan is so much better than ours, even when we don't understand it.  Just because He didn't respond in the way and timing that I expected, it doesn't mean He has abandoned me, or doesn't care. 
As a strong believer in the sovereignty of God, I knew His plan was good and perfect for me.  And it is only by Faith and God's grace that I can continue to press on and trust in Him.  Perhaps God just wants me to learn to trust Him through the silence.  He wants to reveal Himself to me in a different way.  I'm learning to listen and to wait.  I'm praying that the Lord would use me to comfort others who go through this pain.  I know without a doubt this pain is for His glory. 

When Lazarus died, Mary and Martha were devastated.  But then Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.  And through that, many Jews who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him (John 11:45).  My study Bible points out that John did not record Lazarus's reaction or any of the aftermath of his raising, except for the fact that many Jews believed in him as a result of seeing this miracle.   It's so simple...the focus is on Jesus, not Lazarus.  I pray that the focus of our pain would be on Jesus. 

***sidenote:  I have a lot more to say about this passage, so I decided to break it up into 2 parts...since this is already way too long and no one likes to read long blog posts!  ***

Unfulfilled Longings

I believe there are times when we will all experience unfulfilled longings. Sometimes the longings are brief, and sometimes they can last years.  During the 2 week period when Justin and I were waiting and praying for our little baby to make it, I read this devotional about Unfulfilled longings.  It brought great encouragement to me.  Just another example of how God's timing is so perfect:

"What does a heart in pain do with unfilled longing?  Wallow in self-pity?  Cry itself to sleep? There just aren't many options.  An unfulfilled desire is one of the deepest pains we can know.  It can challenge our identity and destroy our hope.  Do Christians struggle with unfulfilled longings?  Of course.  We like to think God is the center of our lives at all times, and all desires pale in comparison to him.  But passionate hearts aren't so easily tamed.  In our best moments, God may reign supreme and all other desire pale.  But we didn't lose our humanity when we were redeemed.  And our humanity still longs for what it can't have.  We can rebuke ourselves, of course, and tell ourselves that we've gotten our focus off of God.  We may be entirely right, but a rebuke doesn't usually satisfy us.  If our dreams are still unfulfilled and our cravings are intense, right answers won't help.  Even when they're wrong cravings-and they often are-we can take them to God.  There's no need to flee.  He understands how the human heart longs.

All our longings lie open before God, even when we don't want them to.  But it's best to let them lie honestly before Him, regardless of whether they are good or bad, right or wrong, godly or painfully human.  The God who created our hearts understands them.  He know how they hurt.  and He wants us to open them up before Him.  Do you long for the right spouse, a precious child, a meaningful career, a healed relationship, a different situation than you no find yourself in?  Welcome to life as a human being.  God may or may not fulfill that specific desire, although you can rest assured that He fully intends to fulfill the needs behind it.  In the meantime lay yourself bare before Him.  Don't hide your sighs.  Trust that the God who made you for Himself plans to fill you with Himself, with blessings beside. His timing isn't yours, but His love is.  Open yourself to it, even when it hurts."

The Silent Pain of Miscarriage...part 2

It's really hard to believe that I'm sitting here writing about our 2nd miscarriage.  I still feel like I will wake up from this nightmare that we have been living in the past few months and realize it's all just a bad dream.  But it's not a dream, and in fact we are facing the pain of having a 2nd miscarriage in a row.  Through the horrendous pain, the Lord has blessed us in many ways and has been so good to us.  I was only 6 weeks along this time, compared to being 10 weeks along last time.  I also went into the Doctor immediately after finding out we were pregnant again to get some blood testing done to see how the baby was doing.  Though I was understandably guarded, I had such faith that this pregnancy would go smoothly and we would be welcoming our little Junebug into the world around June 22nd.  I only had about 3 days to be excited about this pregnancy as I received that dreaded phone call that said my baby might not make it.  2 weeks later, our baby went home to be with the Lord.  It was 2 very painful weeks, going to the Doctor 4 different times, doing everything we could to save this pregnancy.  Every phone call I received, I was on pins and needles just praying for some good news, which I never received.  I had my closest family and friends praying for a miracle, that the Lord would shock the Doctors and the statistics and that our baby would be okay.  Though I may never understand this side of heaven, His plan was not to save our baby.  And His plan is better than we could ever imagine.  I remember going through the long 2 weeks of waiting, hoping, crying, and praying..asking the Lord to let the wait be over.  The unknown was so difficult to walk through.  It definitely was longer than what I wanted, but it could have been much, much longer.  So now a week later, I am sorting through all my mess of emotions, all while trying to continue through normal life.

I remember during that 2 weeks span, I kept telling people "I cannot go through another miscarriage, I just can't do it."  I knew how painful my first one was and I just didn't think I had anymore tears left in me or emotional strength to go through this a 2nd time.  But I remember my dear friend telling me, "you can't imagine it now because you're not going through it yet.  God will give you the grace to go through the pain if it happens."  She was exactly right.  God promises that He will give us the grace we need to go through all the pain, disappointment, suffering, and heartache we experience.  And somehow, here I am a week later, going through another heartache of losing a child...and it is only by God's grace that I can even write about it again.  It's only by His grace that I can even see all the blessings that He has poured out to us during this time. 

So as of now, I am taking it one day at a time.  Today was a good day.  I was filled with unexplainable joy and hope.  Yesterday was a bad day, filled with hurt, discouragement and fear.  But through my different emotions that seem to always be changing, I know one thing for sure: God is good. He is sovereign.  He never changes.  As I say to the kids before teaching a lesson from the Bible:  This is God's word, and it is ALWAYS true.  God fulfills his promises.  Will we ever have children?  I don't know.  What I do know is that HE has put this desire in our hearts to be parents and HE will fulfill it in the best way possible.  It may not be the way I want it to be fulfilled, but it is THE best way for the perfect plan HE has for us.  And what can I do now?  Trust Him.  Believe Him.  Meditate on Truth.  Cry out to Him.  Fight the urge to dwell in self pity.  Fight for joy.  Grow to Love Jesus more. 

The verse I have been clinging to during this time is Psalm 37:3-7
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit you way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act.  he will bring forth righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...

I pray that I will trust the Lord, Delight in Him, Commit my way to the Lord, be still before Him and wait patiently for Him.  I have definitely fallen short of doing these things many times, but I am thankful that God is teaching me and growing me during this time. 

To my little Junebug-It's pretty amazing the bond I felt with you just after 2 short weeks.   I wish I could have held you. I wish I could have seen what you looked like.  What joy it will be to meet you one day! 

I have told Justin many times that we have something extra to look forward to when we get to heaven....now we have even more to look forward to...seeing our 2 babies for the first time. 

Shepherding a Child's Heart

This book has been on my shelf for awhile and I'm so glad I finally got around to reading it!  I can't say enough good things about it.



I read this book for 2 reasons.  One is that I deal with discipline issues weekly at my job and am constantly talking to kids who don't have disciple at home.  I so wish I had read this book 3 years ago!  I also read the book as it is my desire to be a stay at home mom one day, and I know I will be going to the book as a resource many time raising my own children.  Some people may think the book is only for older children, but I'm actually glad I read it before having children.  It really helps with my mindset of focusing on the overflow of the heart which is the "why" instead of the "what" of behavior.  We all know that you can see a child's sinful nature at a very young age.  The book also talks about how your parenting goal cannot simply be well behaved children. Your children must also understand why they sin and how to recognize internal change.  Their bad behavior reflects the heart...so having them change their behavior doesn't necessarily change their heart.  That is not easy to do and definitely takes time. 

Here are just a few of my favorite quotes from the book:

"As a parent, you must exercise authority. You must  require obedience of your children because they are called by God to obey and honor you.  You must exercise authority, not as a cruel taskmaster, but as one who truly loves them."

"If you correct and discipline your children because God mandates it, then you need not clutter up the task with your anger. Correction is not displaying your anger at their offenses:  it is rather reminding them that their sinful behavior offends God.  It is bringing his censure of sin to these subjects of his realm.  He is the King.  They must obey." 

"The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever;  therefore, your objective in every context must be to set a biblical worldview before your children.  From the earliest days, they must be taught that they are creatures made in the image of God--made for God. They must learn that they will "find themselves" as they find Him."

"The central focus of childrearing is to bring children to a sober assessment of themselves as sinners.  The cross of Christ must be the central focus of your childrearing."

"God has given two methods for childrearing.  They are communication and the rod.  These methods must be woven together in your practice.  Your children need to be known and understood.  Thus, rich communication is necessary.  They are also need authority and firmness.  Thus, the rod is necessary. The rod functions to underscore the importance of the things you talk about with them"

"Obedience means more than a child doing what he is told.  It means doing what he is told without challenge, without excuse and without delay. If you accept other responses, you are training your children to disobey."

"The way you respond to disappointment with your authorities in the society, at the job, and in the church, teaches your children how to be under authority.  The attitudes you display teach either biblical submission or unbiblical independence and rebellion."

"God has promised that children who honor and obey will have things go well for them and will enjoy long life on the earth. Obviously, the child who submits to parental authority is richly blessed." 

There is also a lot of great information about spanking that is just too much to write in here.  It explains the when, how, and why of spanking and has some great insights.  The book also states that the rod is primary because God has commanded it.  If you fail to spank, you fail to take God's word seriously.  God calls parents to spank their children.

I also love the insight the book gives on raising teenagers.  Though that is very far off for us, I have always loved working with teenagers and learned a lot from reading those chapters as well.  I love how the book emphasizes that the most powerful way to keep your children from being drawn to the world or wicked actions is to make home an attractive place to be.  "Young people generally do not run from places where they are loved and know unconditional acceptance.  They do not run from home where there are solid relationships.  They do not run from homes in which the family is planning activities and doing exciting things."

I pray that I will strive to raise children in church and in my own home who display the greatness, goodness, and glory of  God.  I pray that they will understand that the greatest delight they can ever experience is found in delighting in the God who has made them for His glory. 

Celebrating our first anniversary

Yes, I know I already posted about our 1 year anniversary but since I'm such a sentimentalist I had to put some pics up.  We first had our getaway celebration 2 weeks before our actual anniversary because it was our only free weekend we had to do it.  I love Bed and Breakfasts and Justin and I had never been to one together before.  I researched lots of them in the Hill country and found one I thought we both would like.  Since Justin is working so hard with grad school on top of working a very stressful job, we just wanted to get away and relax and not have anything planned.  We spent 2 nights in the Bed & Breakfast in Canyon Lake.  Our big, cozy room had a balcony overlooking the lake that was beautiful. 

There was also deer everywhere that we could feed at anytime. 

We went to lots of amazing restaurants that the B&B recommended and visited a winery which was also a fun experience.  We walked around a lot and just enjoyed quality time together and being outdoors.  It was relaxing, romantic, fun and a great way to celebrate our 1st anniversary together.

Then on our actually anniversary, October 2nd, we went to a very romantic restaurant called Michelangelo's here in Houston. 



We then went to the Omni hotel where my family and bridesmaids stayed the night before our wedding and where Justin and I stayed on our wedding night.  They gave us a free room to use on our anniversary which was awesome!  The service there is amazing and they had chocolate covered strawberries there waiting for us.  And of course we also had our cake topper that my mom froze for us to eat on our 1 year anniversary.  Though Justin may have been skeptical...it definitely tasted just as good.  I forgot how good that cake was! 

We also walked around outside since the grounds is so beautiful there.  We went back to the bench where we prayed together the night before our wedding when he dropped me off after our rehearsal dinner.  Oh memories!!



I'm so thankful for a wonderful hubby and a great first year together! 

1 Year Anniversary

October 2, 2010 We said I Do

We did it!  We made it through our 1st year of marriage!

I really can't believe Justin and I have been married a year already.  It feels like just yesterday we were busily planning our wedding.  Of course the days seem to crawl by so slowly when we were engaged, but after we got married, it just flew by.  I still remember our wedding day so vividly as it was not only the best day of my life but also the most fun I have ever had!  I had a blast at our wedding and am just so thankful for a special day to look back on.

Everyone says the first year is the hardest and in some ways it was...and in other ways it seemed so natural. Though it was hard at times, I am more madly in love with Justin than I was a year ago and I am just so thankful the Lord brought us together!

Justin and I have been through a lot during our first year and have already made many special memories together.  We have gone through good times and hard times but are definitely closer through it all. Here are some of the big moments of year one:

• Moving into our first place together!
• First vacation together-our amazing honeymoon
• First Thanksgiving and Christmas together
• Made some big decisions together
• Justin applied and was accepted into grad school
• Joined a newlywed class at church
• Visited Justin's grandparents in McAllen
• Went on a road trip to San Antonio and Fredricksburg
• Went on our first mission trip together
• Found out we were pregnant
• Grieved the loss of our first baby
• Justin starting grad school
• Joined our first fantasy football team
• Stayed at our first B&B together for our 1 year anniversary

Looking back, it's hard to believe that all of that happened during our first year.  We may not be the best example of "taking a year off" during your first year of marriage, but we know this was all apart of God's plan for us and we have grown so much closer through it all.  I am just so thankful I am able to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.  Happy Anniversary Justin, looking forward to spending many many more years together! I'm crazy about you! 

Are you ready for some football?

Well, Fall is finally here and we all know what that means....no, not cooler weather...but yes, football!  I do love the fall season as everyone is back to school, the nice smells of fall goodies baking, the pumpkin spice latte back at Starbucks, and watching some football on TV.  Maybe cooler weather will come at some point, but it's not looking too good so far.  Though I wouldn't call myself a crazy football fan, I do love watching football, especially for being a girl.  Justin says all the time how lucky he is to have a wife who enjoys watching sports, but I just tell him to thank my dad for that one!  We kicked off the football season by joining our very first fantasy football team together.  My brother and dad have played fantasy football for many years now so I have heard all about it, but have never played myself.  Now that I'm married, I guess they finally trust me to join a league :)  My brother started a new league with some family and friends to join so Justin and I have our first team together.  Or should I say Justin's team, since he really didn't listen to anything I said when we were drafting.  I had all the papers ready and all the stats of who the best players were to draft and I would tell him who to pick based by the rankings..seems pretty logical right?  But every player I would "advise" him to pick he would tell me about his "hunch" to pick someone else and then list a 100 different reasons and stats as to why to pick this different player. I knew my hubby knows sports, but I was pretty blown away by his sports knowledge during the draft.  How in the world does he remember every detail of a random player on a team no one cares about to persuade him to pick him?  Anyway, we got through the draft based on many "hunches" and I realized I definitely don't know football near as much as I thought I did.  I guess I can tell you at the end of the season how much his "hunch" paid off for us.  So far we are 1-2 so it's not looking too hot....

The start of the football season also means watching our dear Aggies play!  Oh how I love watching Aggie football.  Justin was able to go to the first game of the season and he was pumped about it. I love that I married a die hard Aggie....even if that means that all we have talked about over the past 2 months was the SEC.  Not sure if I even knew what exactly the SEC was until 2 months ago....but I sure know all about it now!   And as of yesterday, it actually became official that the Aggies are in fact joining the SEC and I am just so thankful my hubby can now in fact sleep well at night again!

Justin and I also went to our very first Texans game together a few weeks ago.  I bought him Texans tickets for his birthday since he has never been to a game before.  I loved the look on his face when he opened his gift and saw 2 Texans tickets...he was very surprised and so excited!  We went to the first game of the season and they creamed the Colts. We had a blast! 

And to top it all off, the Fighin' Texas Aggie band played during halftime!  It was awesome singing the Aggie War Hymn in the Texas stadium.  Too bad I was sitting next to a tacky Longhorn fan that cussed and yelled every 5 seconds...but it just made me whoop every louder.

And that was just September!  I'm looking forward to more fun months ahead during the rest of this football season.