Joy is Coming... March 2017

Yes, you have read this correctly and no this is not click bait!  We are very excited to announce that Baby #3 is coming in March 2017! And yes it's a BOY!

I know what you might be thinking right now, "wow, that was fast!"  And yes, it was VERY fast, almost too fast but God's timing is incredibly mysterious and perfect.  The truth is, I was pregnant with this sweet baby the day Callie passed away.  I just didn't know it yet.  In fact, as if the timing couldn't get anymore mysterious....we found out we were pregnant the day AFTER Callie's funeral.  

I have learned and believed more in God's sovereignty more than ever since Callie died. And this baby being conceived before she died is a part of God's sovereign, mysterious, but beautiful plan for our family.  The mix of emotions we had were very hard to process.  We didn't tell a lot of people right away because it was very overwhelming.  How could we be happy at a time like this?  It was hard to even explain.  A part of me was happy but at the same time a part of me was confused.  I didn't want to get pregnant again this fast.  It felt too soon.  It felt like we were "moving on" from Callie and I didn't want to move on!  But of course we are NOT moving on.  It is impossible to move on from losing a child.  We can move forward, but we will never just move on.  

The day after Callie's funeral, when I saw the positive pregnancy test, I just sobbed.  The tears would not stop.  I remember saying out loud, "God, you can't take Callie away from me and give me a new baby to make it all better.  This isn't going to make it better. I don't want a new baby, I want Callie!"  Of course God knows my heart, he knows what we need, he knows what is best for our family.  And this baby is not a consolation prize.  I don't understand the timing at all, but I know it's for our good and has a great purpose.   It's not something he is giving our family to "make it all better".  Just like every baby that is conceived, this baby has a huge purpose, a specific personality, and is a blessing from the Lord. 

I do believe that a small part of this baby's purpose is to bring JOY to our family.  Ever since I saw that positive pregnancy test, I felt like the Lord was telling me, "Joy is coming".  And what's even crazier is I can't even count how many times people have told me this when I told them we were pregnant.  So many people responded with the phrase, "Joy is coming".  I can't get it out of my head. We actually have something to look forward to again, and that is something I didn't think possible.  When you are in the worst grief of your life, there is literally nothing to look forward to.  Someone just asked me innocently yesterday, "are you looking forward to the holidays?"  And I just said, "No".  Because I'm not.  I'm dreading the holidays, I'm dreading December and spending Callie's birthday without her.  I dread most days where Cooper and I spend our days by ourselves without Callie.  I will dread the 4th of July for a very very long time.  I dread the mornings when I have to remind myself that Callie is not here and some mornings I go through grief all over again.  I dread waking up from a wonderful dream about Callie.  Just a lot of dread.  But God is telling us, "JOY is coming, Tracy...there IS something to look forward to."  We know this baby will never replace our Callie, but this baby is a gift from the Lord and will bring Joy to us again.  

This boy will also always be our 3rd child, not our 2nd.  I know it will look like to the world that we have 2 boys and this is our 2nd child.  But it's not.  Callie will never be forgotten and we will always have 3 kids.  Callie would have been such a great big sister. I can just picture her being so curious about the new baby and being so loving towards him.  This boy will always have a big sister and I'm so sad for him that he will never know her, at least in this lifetime.  

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the LORD".  This is a verse that I think about often.  The Lord took away our daughter at almost the exact same moment he was giving us a son and creating him inside me.  It  really is possible to grieve but also have joy.  Because the Lord is giving us another baby, it doesn't mean we will not grieve as much over Callie.  It just doesn't work that way.  We are still so incredibly sad and will be grieving her for our lifetime.  But God is blessing us with another baby boy and we are incredibly thankful.