My Face Smiles While my Heart Grieves

I heard this phrase the other day and it stuck with me.  So much truth with those words.  My face smiles,  and I'm "going on" with life.  I have a son to raise and love on, I'm cooking, cleaning and doing all the normal things again, but my heart is grieving everyday.  It's been awhile since I have written, as a part of me has so much to say but I don't know how to say it.  I don't feel like sitting and getting my thoughts out, though I know I should.  This is such a difficult time of year for us.  It's been 5 months now since we lost our Callie, and the days don't get easier.  I still find myself in shock on some days, just really can't believing that this actually happened.  The holidays are extremely hard, especially with her birthday being the week before Christmas.

I have never experienced grief like this before and it is a very unique and strange experience.  It's completely exhausting.  Going to Grief Share has been one of the best things we are doing right now.  I will probably write a whole post about it later after we finish, but we are learning so much about grief and how is is necessary to face it, talk about it, cry and grieve to move forward in our grief.  Everyone grieves differently and now I see how grief can be very silent.  So many people walking around smiling, while on the inside their hearts are broken.  And it's not that they are trying to fake it or be someone they aren't...it's just that you can't physically cry and mourn in public everyday.  You can't talk about your loss with everyone everyday.  It's just not realistic.  And as hard as it is when people sometimes pretend like nothing happened, I know that it is a part of life.  It's almost a reminder to me of how many people are struggling or grieving in silence, because no one really knows what's going on in everyone's life.  And though everyone knows we experienced a tremendous loss, and everyone knows we are hurting, it is still a silent grief.  My face smiles, but my heart grieves.   Everyone grieves differently, but I also think there are some similarities to our grief of a loved one.  To me, Grief has been...

• Being late to a lot of things because I couldn't stop crying long enough to put on my makeup.  
• Having to stop listening to music in the car because every song would make me cry and I didn't want to be a crying mess when I arrived somewhere.
• Speaking of the car, I seem to cry the most in the car.  It's where I have complete silence with just my thoughts.  I think about July 4th in the car.  I think about her in the back seat.  My  mind won't stop running because I'm not doing anything or thinking about anything.  
• I can be crying all the way to someones house, and then arrive with a smile on my face
• My pillow is wet a lot from my tears
• Family pictures and Christmas cards are everywhere saying how "blessed" they are, and wishing us a happy and wonderful Christmas.  It stings especially not acknowledging that this won't be a very happy and wonderful Christmas for us.  My face smiles at the pretty picture, but my heart grieves over our broken family. 
• Our sweet baby boy will kick me in the womb and it brings me great joy and a smile, but it also makes me sad that Callie isn't here to be his big sister
• Dealing with her room, everyday. Not knowing when I should do anything with it and how to go about transitioning a new baby here.  It has been extremely stressful and one of the hardest things to cope with outside of losing her.  
• Putting on my sunglasses in the middle of chicfila with my son because I missed her so much and couldn't stop the tears in public. 

Those are just small examples.  The Lord has softened my heart so much for grieving people.  Not just for those who have lost a child, but who have lost a loved one in general.  It's so so hard.  I have learned more than I ever wanted to learn on grief.  I feel horrible of how I probably ignored people's grief previously in my life, I just had no idea.  It helps me give others grace who have unintentionally been hurtful by ignoring our grief.   I love it when people still talk about Callie and bring her up by name.  I know it can seem strange, but it is comforting to hear her name and to know she isn't forgotten.  I don't want people to pretend she didn't exist, and if you say something that makes me cry, please don't feel bad!  It is more hurtful to pretend that nothing happened.  

Though my grief can be silent and painful, God's Grace has been sufficient.  I am absolutely amazed at how I'm able to function and that is only by God's Grace.  I have seen the Lord use people in my life and seen him place our family in the right community of people at the exact moment that we needed it.  I know there is purpose in this pain.  I know I have to trust the Lord when I don't understand.  He is good and sovereign.  But even with knowing this and truly believing that God is good and is doing a great work in our lives, my heart grieves....and always will.