Callie's Birthday Celebration

Saturday, December 17th was Callie's Birthday.  Ever since the funeral was over, all I have thought about was how am I going to get through her birthday without her.  I just couldn't imagine it and I dreaded it for over 5 months.  I would cry every time I thought about it.  I would cry every time I saw other people celebrating their child's 2nd birthday.  The pain at times was unbearable.  I had thought so much about what would to we do this day.  At times we talked about doing nothing and just being at home the 3 of us.  At times we talked about doing something different and just being around other people.  At times Justin and I were on completely different pages on what we wanted to do.  I preferred being around people and he preferred being alone.  Even though it may not seem like a big deal, these "firsts" dates are really, really hard.  The reality is, the weeks leading up to a significant date in a loss can actually be harder than the actual day.  The anxiety and anticipation of the date is so hard.   I wanted to write to remember Callie's first Birthday in heaven and how we celebrated her life. 

After much discussion, Justin and I decided on having a casual celebration for Callie with our close friends who have been there for us through this difficult season.  We originally wanted to do it at a park, so it would feel more laid back, but the weather was crazy that weekend and predicted rain and I didn't want it to get rained out.  I think it worked out better doing it at our house in the long run.  I really wanted it to be as stress free as possible so I didn't do any food besides cake and drinks.  I didn't want it to feel like a big birthday party, but more like a celebration if that makes sense.

We knew that we wanted to spend part of the day with just the 3 of us and visiting her grave and just having some time alone.  Waking up was hard. It was hard not to picture what this day would have looked like if she was still with us.  The Lord is so good though and immediately after we started getting up and getting our day started, we had some neighbors come to our door.  They came with some balloons, a poem, and cards written by all different people in the neighborhood.  They told me  some neighbors have put up balloons outside their homes for Callie's Birthday.  It was so meaningful and special to us and the tears started flowing.  Right after that, I had another friend bring us over a homemade breakfast for our family.  Then shortly after that, we had another neighbor stop by to bring us a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  We already felt so loved and it was just 10am.  More importantly to me, I felt that Callie wasn't forgotten especially on her birthday.

Though we had a good morning, we did have a time of deep grieving.  We missed her so much.  We missed her running around our house and her voice and all her cuteness.  A sweet little 2 year old, I still can't believe she is 2 years old now.  We know that grieving and tears are sometimes necessary in our grief journey, but it did hit Cooper hard. My heart just hurts for him.  He also started crying hard and saying that he missed Callie.  We all hugged and cried and talked about how Callie is so happy with Jesus, but we are sad because we do miss her.

We then headed out to the store to pick up some things for Callie's Celebration and on our way out we started to see pink and white balloons outside some of our neighbors homes.  At first I thought it was just our cul da sac that had balloons out, but then we realized that it was a lot more than just that.  I could not stop crying as I kept seeing more pink and white balloons out.  It was so special and so sweet!  It was the small gesture that just spoke to me that Callie was not forgotten.  It's unbelievable how such a small gesture like this can be so meaningful.  We then got to the store and picked out some balloons to put on her grave stone.  Cooper picked out a Toy Story small balloon that reminded him of Callie since he was Woody and she was Jessie for Halloween last year.   After picking up some things we headed out to the cemetery to spend some time there.  Justin is always so diligent about cleaning her stone so he spent time doing that first, and attached some balloons to her flower vase.  We also put a Peppa Pig toy on her stone.  We tried to spend some time sharing our favorite memory of Callie, but Cooper was too busy digging in the dirt.  We were told that no matter how much we plan for a day like this, it will never go how you expected it to go....mainly because nothing will ever be good enough for a day like this.  We did sing Happy Birthday to Callie with tears running down our cheeks.  Justin always likes to have some alone time there at the end as it's a special time for him to think and pray so Cooper and I walked back to the car to give him some alone time. 

We then went back to our house to get ready for Callie's Birthday Celebration.  I went to pick up the rest of the balloons I ordered for the balloon release.  It was a very cloudy day outside without any sun most of the day.  On my way back home as I was about to pull into our neighborhood, I saw these rays of sunshine streaming down through the clouds that looked like they were going right into our neighborhood.  I didn't see the sun out the rest of the day.  I don't even know how to explain it, but it was like God telling me that he loves me.  He loves our family and Callie is with him.  She was our little ray of sunshine and she is with Jesus.  It  was a sweet moment for me.

Shortly after that we had our Birthday Celebration for Callie.  I tried to keep it as simple as possible to not add any stress to an already emotionally stressful day.  We had close friends come over and they all brought some helium balloons which was helpful. The kids played outside for awhile and then we wrote messages for Callie on some of the balloons.  We then went out to the cul da sac for the balloon release.  We all sang Happy Birthday to Callie and then released the balloons.  The kids seemed to enjoy it and it was beautiful to see all the balloons and the love floating up to the sky. After the balloon release, we came inside and ate some cake and the kids played some more.  It was a sweet time and nice way to honor Callie without it being too much or too stressful or overwhelming for us. Our good friend Josh put together a video of the celebration to send to us and it was so meaningful and something we will always treasure. 

We are so thankful for everyone who sent messages, cards, and texts that day. People who did small thoughtful things to celebrate Callie and remember her.  We know not every birthday will be like this, but it was a relief to get through her first one. Every single birthday without her will be hard. All the what ifs flood through your mind.  What would she be like?  What would she look like now?  What would our life be like if she was still with us?  It will never get easier.  And right after we got through this difficult day, we already started thinking about how we would ever get through July 4th.  It's interesting how these days are always on our minds.

Happy Birthday again my sweet Callie.  Words can't even describe the depths of pain we feel missing you and wishing you were here with us.  You have blessed our lives more than you know.  I know you had a beautiful birthday celebration in heaven.  And as silly as this sounds, I hope we made you proud celebrating and remembering you here.