Well we officially have a name for baby #3. Nolan Asher Cummings. I figured I would go ahead and share since so many people have been asking me. From the very beginning, we have felt that this baby is going to bring JOY to our family again. I knew right away that if this baby was a girl, her middle name would be JOY. When we found out the baby was a boy, I had some friends look up boy names that mean joy or happiness to share with me. One of them was Asher. I loved the name right away, and debated about it being his first or middle name, but finally decided on it being his middle name. Nolan was going to be Callie's Boy name if she would have been a boy. We usually come up with 2 different names for each child (Cooper's girl name was not Callie), but I thought it would be special so have something even as small as this that relates to Callie. And the fact that we both still loved the name Nolan, which is how we came up with Nolan Asher.
Asher means "Blessed, Happy One". I know that Nolan is going to bring such joy and happiness to our family. He already has. Cooper talks about "Baby Nolan" all the time. He hugs and kisses my belly and asks me if he could listen to his heartbeat a few times a week. He wants to show Baby Nolan new toys and he also wants to get bunk beds so he can sleep on the top and Nolan can sleep on the bottom. He is so thrilled to have a brother and of course I already know he's the greatest big brother ever and Nolan is so blessed to have Cooper for a brother.
There is something very special to me how baby Nolan was first created, literally days before our Callie died. They were both with us at the same time for a very short time. God purposefully created Nolan before Callie passed away. He purposefully had me find out the day after her funeral. It may not seem like the best timing in my eyes, but we know His timing is perfect. We know there is no such thing as coincidences. And I had to learn very quickly that joy and sorrow can co exist.
We know that Nolan is not God's way of replacing Callie to us. It is impossible to replace her. Nolan is not some consolation prize and not someone who is supposed to replace our grief. Yes, he will bring us joy and we love him so so much, but we will still grieve Callie. We know that this joy will not replace our grief. Our grief will not go away when Nolan is here. We will still grieve the loss of Callie and she will always be missed. The day Cooper meets Nolan for the first time, I know I will think that Callie should be here too. Callie is his big sister, and our family will never feel complete this side of heaven.
I have also learned going into a new year that it's really good not to have expectations on my feelings of grief. For so long, I was dreading December, REALLY, REALLY DREADING. Her birthday and Christmas and celebrations etc, was too much to think about. I kept thinking, once I get to 2017, things will get better. Saying goodbye to 2016, the year from hell, will be such a great feeling. A New Year will feel good. Nolan will be here, we will move into a new house and will have lots of things to look forward to. It will be better. But you know what? It wasn't better. It actually became worse. I got through her birthday and Christmas, and seeing happy intact families and pictures everywhere, but I just wasn't expecting New Years to be hard. And because I wasn't prepared, or even worse, I was thinking things would be better, it hit me like a ton of bricks that we had to start a whole new year without Callie. I was depressed and sad a lot. Though we had so much to look forward to, the thought of going through a whole new year without Callie was heartbreaking. It was reality again of the finality of it all, this side of heaven. I know we will be reunited again, I know I will see her again, but thinking of going through year after year without her was overwhelming.
We are SO SO excited to meet baby Nolan and for a sweet new addition to our family. But I am going to be more prepared with my grief this time. Having Nolan here will add JOY to our family, but it will not take the grief of missing Callie away. It will not just automatically make things better, like I thought starting a new year would. In some ways it will add to our grief. I know I will have to finally make decisions on packing up her room. I will have to trust the Lord in ways I never imagined every time I lay him down for a nap. I will see Callie in him. I will miss being able to see Callie as a big sister. All the baby toys will bring back some painful memories. Our added joy will add grief as well. Missing her will always be there. Every family event, every holiday, every birthday, every mother/daughter bond she will be so missed for the rest of our lives here on earth.
Nolan Asher is such a blessing already and though there will be major pain and grief, we truly are thrilled to have another baby again.
"The fact that our heart yearns for something earth can't supply is proof that heaven must be our home"
No comments:
Post a Comment