Grieving the Child I Never Knew

It's hard to believe that it's been over a month since we lost our baby.  It has definitely been one of the hardest months for me.  I don't think I have ever remembered crying so much or so often.  Right when I think things are getting back to "normal" there is something that will  remind me of our loss and my heart aches.  I have felt like an emotional roller coaster this month and I have been more thankful for my husband for being incredibly patient and loving to me through my emotions and crazy hormones.  Something that has really helped me process through my pain is reading the devotional "Grieving the Child I never knew"

I highly recommend  this book to anyone who has experienced a loss of a baby.  This book was recommended to me by a dear college friend who has lost 2 precious babies and been through worse pain than I have.  The author of the book has had 3 miscarriages and one baby that died at birth.   At first I was very hesitant to read it as these 2 women especially have been through way worse pain that I could ever imagine, which led me to minimize my pain and to even feel guilty for reading it.  But when I opened up to the introduction, I knew the Lord was speaking to me. She started the book with these words:

"I never knew this child fully, so why do I grieve so deeply?  I never held this tiny baby, never saw the sleeping face, never locked eyes and gazed into the soul of this little person.  Yet, I feel as if a part of me died and left a void in my being.  Most people don't seem to understand and minimize my loss instead of validating my pain for losing this nameless child.  Will I always feel so lonely and misunderstood?  Is it normal to mourn someone I never knew?  How can I move beyond the hurt and begin to hope again?  Only when I gave myself permission to grieve the loss of my child did I begin to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and start to heal" 

After the first paragraph, I was hooked.  That was almost word for word what I've been thinking and feeling.  I knew I needed to give myself permission to grieve even if many women have experienced deeper hurt than me.  I needed to allow myself to grieve though people all over the world are going through far worse grief than me.  Yes, I do have a TON to be thankful for, and have recognized this throughout this entire experience.  But it still doesn't take away the hurt of losing my child.  Though I could choose to just move on and sweep my feelings under a rug and keep myself busy, I know that I need to allow my heart to grieve and heal.  Through the help of this book, it has done just that.  I'm only about half way through the book, but I have pages and pages of notes in my journal of everything the Lord has taught me through it. Reading through it is definitely not easy, in fact, I find myself avoiding it somedays because I just don't want to think about it or I don't have the emotional energy it takes to go through it.  I have to choose wisely the days I decide to pick it up and make sure I have plenty of time to think, process, pray and journal through it.  But the Lord has brought so much healing through this devotional.  Though people around me have moved on and I don't talk about the loss very much anymore, I am thankful for the sweet moments I have with the Lord who understands every emotion that I'm feeling.  I sometimes feel like the book was written just for me, and that is just one small way the Lord has again shown His Faithfulness to me. 

I feel as if there is this dark cloud over me that no one else can see but me. I know the cloud will eventually fade, but until then I know there is a purpose for the cloud, and that is for Christ's name to be lifted high.   At the beginning I was just praying for the cloud to lift, but I now realize that the Lord will lift it in His perfect timing.  I now pray that the Lord would be glorified through the dark cloud.  My prayer each day is that I would learn to love Jesus more through this pain, that I would have a teachable spirit, grow in my marriage, and for the Lord to be glorified through this trial.  I know I may never see all the good the Lord is doing in my life or through others, but I believe He is doing a work that is far greater than I could ever imagine!