The Silent Pain of Miscarriage...part 2

It's really hard to believe that I'm sitting here writing about our 2nd miscarriage.  I still feel like I will wake up from this nightmare that we have been living in the past few months and realize it's all just a bad dream.  But it's not a dream, and in fact we are facing the pain of having a 2nd miscarriage in a row.  Through the horrendous pain, the Lord has blessed us in many ways and has been so good to us.  I was only 6 weeks along this time, compared to being 10 weeks along last time.  I also went into the Doctor immediately after finding out we were pregnant again to get some blood testing done to see how the baby was doing.  Though I was understandably guarded, I had such faith that this pregnancy would go smoothly and we would be welcoming our little Junebug into the world around June 22nd.  I only had about 3 days to be excited about this pregnancy as I received that dreaded phone call that said my baby might not make it.  2 weeks later, our baby went home to be with the Lord.  It was 2 very painful weeks, going to the Doctor 4 different times, doing everything we could to save this pregnancy.  Every phone call I received, I was on pins and needles just praying for some good news, which I never received.  I had my closest family and friends praying for a miracle, that the Lord would shock the Doctors and the statistics and that our baby would be okay.  Though I may never understand this side of heaven, His plan was not to save our baby.  And His plan is better than we could ever imagine.  I remember going through the long 2 weeks of waiting, hoping, crying, and praying..asking the Lord to let the wait be over.  The unknown was so difficult to walk through.  It definitely was longer than what I wanted, but it could have been much, much longer.  So now a week later, I am sorting through all my mess of emotions, all while trying to continue through normal life.

I remember during that 2 weeks span, I kept telling people "I cannot go through another miscarriage, I just can't do it."  I knew how painful my first one was and I just didn't think I had anymore tears left in me or emotional strength to go through this a 2nd time.  But I remember my dear friend telling me, "you can't imagine it now because you're not going through it yet.  God will give you the grace to go through the pain if it happens."  She was exactly right.  God promises that He will give us the grace we need to go through all the pain, disappointment, suffering, and heartache we experience.  And somehow, here I am a week later, going through another heartache of losing a child...and it is only by God's grace that I can even write about it again.  It's only by His grace that I can even see all the blessings that He has poured out to us during this time. 

So as of now, I am taking it one day at a time.  Today was a good day.  I was filled with unexplainable joy and hope.  Yesterday was a bad day, filled with hurt, discouragement and fear.  But through my different emotions that seem to always be changing, I know one thing for sure: God is good. He is sovereign.  He never changes.  As I say to the kids before teaching a lesson from the Bible:  This is God's word, and it is ALWAYS true.  God fulfills his promises.  Will we ever have children?  I don't know.  What I do know is that HE has put this desire in our hearts to be parents and HE will fulfill it in the best way possible.  It may not be the way I want it to be fulfilled, but it is THE best way for the perfect plan HE has for us.  And what can I do now?  Trust Him.  Believe Him.  Meditate on Truth.  Cry out to Him.  Fight the urge to dwell in self pity.  Fight for joy.  Grow to Love Jesus more. 

The verse I have been clinging to during this time is Psalm 37:3-7
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit you way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act.  he will bring forth righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...

I pray that I will trust the Lord, Delight in Him, Commit my way to the Lord, be still before Him and wait patiently for Him.  I have definitely fallen short of doing these things many times, but I am thankful that God is teaching me and growing me during this time. 

To my little Junebug-It's pretty amazing the bond I felt with you just after 2 short weeks.   I wish I could have held you. I wish I could have seen what you looked like.  What joy it will be to meet you one day! 

I have told Justin many times that we have something extra to look forward to when we get to heaven....now we have even more to look forward to...seeing our 2 babies for the first time.