The Beauty of Saying Something

If you have ever gone through a tragedy or hurtful situation, you see people respond in many different ways.  There have been people who have been so loving and thoughtful, that I wouldn't know how to make it through without these people.  Others have been silent.  Some people say the exact thing I needed to hear, and others say things that are hurtful.  And though there have been people who have said some dumb or hurtful things to me, I will not be writing a post about "what not to say to people who have lost a child".  You know those posts that are out there.  There is one about what not to say to to new moms, what not to say to adoptive moms, what not to say to working moms, stay at home moms, etc, and the list can go on.  As I'm sure these posts are helpful, I do feel like the majority of people say these things with good intentions and a sincere heart.  And when people do say something hurtful, we have to learn to give them GRACE.  What's worse, I fear that these types of posts make people shut down because they are so afraid to say the wrong things to each other.

I understand completely that people don't know what to say to me and they are scared they are going to say something wrong. But can I tell you what is more hurtful than someone saying something hurtful?  It's when people say NOTHING.  It's not what people have said that has been the most hurtful, it's what people haven't said that has been the most difficult thing to deal with.  After reading a few books about those who have lost a child, I realized I was not the only one who felt this way.  A continued pattern I saw was when people said nothing and would even just pretend like nothing happened, it added to their grief.  For someone you don't know very well a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way.  Acknowledging that you are sorry and that this person experienced a great loss means a lot.  I would have people I didn't even know say this to me.  It's a short and simple phrase, but it's meaningful.  

I get that the reason why people don't say anything is that they don't want to bring it up to hurt me.  Maybe they think that I'm doing fine that day, and if this person brings it up to me that it will remind me of the loss and make me sad.  Can I tell you that there is no way I'm not thinking about Callie?  If someone does bring it up to me, I don't think "Oh I had just forgotten about it and now you reminded me of it and I'm sad"  It's always on my mind, so a person bringing it up to me will not cause more pain.  I may not feel like talking about it at the time, but just saying I'm sorry, I'm praying for you is very thoughtful. 

Even now almost 2 months after Callie's death, the texts messages I get, the cards in the mail, the hugs in person are incredibly meaningful.  Maybe even more meaningful than before.  It says something simple to me...it says you're not alone, we care about you and we continue to pray for you.  People also asking how I'm doing is helpful.  If I don't feel like talking about it, I can say a simple statement and end with thanks for asking.  If I do want to talk about it, I can say more.  Even when I don't feel like talking about it, I never ever walk away from that conversation and think "I wish they never would have asked me how I'm doing."  I so appreciate the question even if I'm not up for talking about it.   I have one friend who almost every single time I see her, she asks me how I'm doing.  Whether in a group setting or alone, I know she is aware of my hurt and wants to know how I'm doing.

I do not write this to make anyone feel bad or to push people to say things to me.  Please don't hear that.  This has been heavy on my heart and something I have learned through my experience that I thought would be helpful for others to know when a tragedy occurs with another friend down the road.  I really only write this to make people aware that saying SOMETHING is always, always, better than saying nothing.  I also try not to judge too harshly when I come across people who don't say anything to me, as I know I have done that before.  I'm sure I have avoided people who are hurting because I was afraid to say the wrong thing.  I may have even been afraid to walk down that dark road with them.  I may have been trying to avoid awkwardness.  But now I know better.  I hope to never do that again with those that are hurting.  I have now learned that every person's effort to acknowledge my loss, no matter how small, and no matter how much time has passed, is significant and remembered.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.