The Funeral

July 5th, the day after Callie passed away was a complete whirlwind.  Of course we didn't sleep the night before and I came downstairs at my parents house just downcast and sobbing.  I didn't want to think about planning a funeral.  It was the furthest thing from my mind.  How in the world can I plan a funeral for my baby girl who was in perfect health and happy just 24 hours ago??  It just didn't seem real.  I didn't know the 1st thing about planning a funeral and what to do.  I even said that I didn't want the funeral to be until the following week.  It was too stressful to think about and I just couldn't deal with it.  But then the hospital called Justin and told him that we needed to choose a funeral home ASAP.  What?  Already?  It has only been 12 hours.  When choosing a funeral home, then you're choosing the cemetery where she will be buried, a place where we will visit for the rest of our lives. That's a huge decision and I didn't like being rushed into it.  We have only lived in Spring a little over 4 years and I didn't know anything about Funeral Homes there.  Would we even stay in the Spring area?  We didn't know.  Should we plan the funeral in Kingwood where I grew up and where my parents were?  That seems like the easiest option, we already knew the funeral home and could use my parents church, but it just didn't sit well with me.  Our life was in Spring. Our home, our friends, our church.  The only home Callie knew was in Spring.  But where would we have her funeral?  Our church is a small Acts29 church that doesn't have their own building.  I really didn't know what to do.  It was the last thing I wanted to deal with, so I just prayed.

Through my 2 best friends who helped me, we had a place for the funeral that was so perfect.  A church we have gone to many times before and have dear friends who go there as well.  It's a beautiful church that wasn't too big and wasn't too small.  Right when I thought of it, I knew that was it.  Through one of their pastors that helps with funerals, he gave me some good advice on choosing a funeral home and talking with them first about days and times.  It is so much like planning a wedding, the funeral home and the church have to match up with their timing.  Except instead of planning the best day of your life, you're planning the worst.

I decided to have my dad come with me so we could go visit cemeteries and funeral homes in Spring to figure out which one we wanted to use.  We also had to go back to our house to get clothes and to get our poor dog.  I knew Justin was not ready to go back into our house and I didn't want him to go back there.  I knew it would be SO painful.  I also didn't want to bring Cooper with us and I knew we couldn't leave Cooper by himself right now so Justin stayed at my parents with Cooper and my mom while some visitors came.

 So here I am calling funeral homes, getting quotes, getting information on cemeteries, trying to figure out the place where we will visit for the rest of our lives.  I was stressed and just wanted it done.  One funeral home was incredibly helpful but after visiting the cemetery, I just felt sick.  It was ugly and incredibly hard to find.  So then I call the other funeral home that had someone training who answered the phones and just didn't know anything and was unhelpful.  We went to visit that cemetery location and loved it.  My dad and I both just said "this is it"  It was easy to find, peaceful and beautiful.  I really liked it.  We then went to that funeral home and met with one of the directors who was AMAZING.  I told him that we almost didn't choose this one because of the people answering the phones so they can maybe fix that issue down the road...but all in all we were so happy with everything we chose and how much we got accomplished.  We worked out details, then called the church to coordinate and everything was seeming to fall into place.  It was crazy since just 2 hours before I had no idea what we would do.  Thank you Lord.

We then take the dreaded drive back to our house.  The Lord gave me the grace to walk in and I was just running on adrenaline.  Haven't slept, showered, eyes puffy from crying and I'm just a mess.  I walk in and immediately just start gathering up all of Callie's stuff and throwing it in Callie's room.  Her stuff was everywhere.  My dad was helping me while I'm also trying to pack some clothes for everyone.  I was just trying to move as quickly as possible and get out of there.  Finally we get the stuff, get the dog, shut Callie's door and leave to head back to my parents house.  On the way back to the house I have a big breakdown.  I just cry out, "why did this happen to us?  Why is this our story for the rest of our lives?  Why does this have to be Cooper's story for the rest of his life?  Why do we have to through this?  It's just too painful, it's too much.  I miss her."  Something along those lines.  It was hitting me hard and the pain was just too overwhelming.

I then text some friends from church to let them know the funeral plans and ask them to help plan the funeral.  Say no more, our Pastor, music pastor, and friends planned the entire service for us.  Literally everything.  It was a huge blessing. I was too overwhelmed with planning the details that I just couldn't think anymore.  The only thing we wanted was Great is Thy Faithfulness and also Thy Will that was played at the beginning of the service.  Other than that, they pretty much planned the entire thing for us.  The slideshow, the music, everything was so perfect and it really ministered to us that they just took care of it all for us.

The rest of the week was crazy busy still planning things, grieving,  and getting investigated by CPS...you know, just normal everyday things.  And let me tell you, CPS was so kind, sensitive, and understanding of our situation and just a joy to work with....and yes that is MAJOR sarcasm.  And I will stop there because I have a lot of NOT nice things to say, and I'm sure they are reading this :)  Lets just say that most people cannot believe the way that they treated us.  It was awful.

Then Friday comes along which is the day of the visitation.  Justin and I had been discussing if we should let Cooper see Callie.  Justin felt pretty strongly that he should see her.  I was afraid that he wouldn't understand and would think she was sleeping or something.  We explained to him as much as we could for his little 3 year old heart and mind could handle.  We arrived there an hour before it was open to the public.  Justin, Cooper and I were able to go in there first by ourselves.  There were flowers everywhere and Callie looked beautiful.  There were parts of her that didn't exactly look like herself, but overall she looked like Callie and she was beautiful.  We talked to Cooper again and asked if he wanted to see her.  He said yes and it was the sweetest moment.  It was like he understood exactly what was happening.  He wanted to touch her and he kissed her head.  It was the sweetest thing.  He would also ask to see her at different times throughout the evening.  And he would touch her again or kiss her.  The Lord gave him understanding and we were so thankful.

We were blown away by all our family and friends who came to the visitation.  It was nice to talk to people I haven't seen in awhile but also hard to know what to talk about.  The support of everyone was overwhelming and encouraging.  There was a long slideshow of Callie playing in the background for people to watch as well.  As it gets closer to 7pm, people start to trickle out, and I knew that we would have to say our final goodbye to Callie.  The funeral would be closed casket, so it was the last time I would physically see her face again.  The grief hit me hard and I broke down.  I just didn't want to say bye to her.  I didn't want it to be the last time I saw her beautiful face.  It was so painful.  We said our last goodbye here on earth to her earthly body, but it was not our last goodbye.  We knew we would be reunited soon...

Saturday morning was Callie's service and I was extremely nervous.  I prayed in the car out loud on the way there and one of my big prayers was that people would be pointed to Jesus.  That God would be glorified through her death and people would come to know the Lord through her service.  We arrive and set a few things up and then we greet everyone that comes in.  It was so sweet to see some people who drove in that morning just for this.  People I never expected to be there showed up.  It blessed us greatly.  People were grieving with us and hurting for us.  Seeing people even for 1 minute and a quick hug ministered to me.

Then at 10am our family and our pastor gathered to pray before the service started.  We then walk in to sit down and the service starts with the lyrics video of Thy Will.  This song had really ministered to us that week and we wanted it included into her service.  Our friend and community group leader Josh reads Revelation 21:1-7 and then prays.  We then sing the song that we sang to Callie every night before bed, Great is Thy Faithfulness.  It's hard to even describe how we are feeling at this point.  It's just an overwhelming feeling of controlling our emotions but also wanting to soak it all in. We then sang Great are You Lord.  After we sang, we watched a video that our friend Trey put together for us.  He used the pictures I had of Callie and a few videos of Cooper and Callie together.  It was so sweet and special.  Everyone especially told me they loved the videos of Cooper making Callie laugh.  He always made her laugh, it was so special.  After the video our Pastor spoke a little about Callie.  One thing he said was that Callie's main dance move was the spin.  For the past few months, Callie would dance and would just spin and twirl in circles over and over again.  If music came on she liked, she would do her spin.  If we say, "dance Callie" she would do her spin.  She would even do it without any music.  Cooper would join her and it was just adorable.  Our pastor mentioned about her spinning at Jesus' feet.  It was an imagine that stuck with many people.

Our Pastor did an incredible job speaking truth and giving hope in an incredibly difficult time.  He is such a gifted speaker and the Lord used him to really speak truth to everyone and bring hope and peace to us.  After his sermon, one of our Elders closed out the service with prayer.  We then followed the pallbearers and were led out of the church and were ready to go to the cemetery.  Since we had greeted people before the service, Justin did not want to talk to anyone afterwards so we left immediately to go to the cemetery.  We had a private family service at the cemetery which was perfect.  Our pastor read scripture and said a fews words.  Then Justin wanted to say something so he stood up and touch her casket and starting praying to the Lord.  It's hard to even remember exactly what he said but it was very sweet and emotional.  He thanked the Lord for her life and the opportunity to be her Daddy for 18 months on this earth.  During his prayer he also spoke to Callie and told her that we would never forget her and the joy she brought to us and how much we loved her.  He told her to wait for us as we would see her again.  The Lord brings us comfort as we do grieve with Hope.  We know Callie is with Jesus and has no more fear, pain, tears, and sorrow.  We long to be with her.  Justin is such a sweet and good Daddy and you could get a glimpse of his heart by hearing him talk about her and praying to the Lord.  It was a sweet moment.

After the graveside service, our church helped with a reception lunch afterwards for our close friends and family.  Once again, they did everything for the lunch.  People set up, brought lasagnas, salads, drinks, desserts, etc.  It was nice to have a place to really talk to people especially friends and family who drove from out of town.  We talked to everyone we could and then it was time for us to go home.  We come home to our quiet, empty house partly relieved it was all over, and partly sad that our new life is just beginning without Callie.

Cooper and Peyton at lunch after the service

Justin suggested we get out of town for a few days since he was able to take another week off work.  We thought through a lot of options but finally decided to stay at the Woodlands resort for a few nights since they were running a deal there and we wouldn't have to drive anywhere far.  It really was so good for us to get away just the 3 of us.  It was too hard being at our house.  On our way there, we stopped by the cemetery to visit Callie and see what her site looked liked.  It was beautiful with all the flowers there.  It was also surreal as it sinks in more that she is not with us anymore.

We did have a good family time together at the resort even though we missed Callie terribly.  Cooper loves to swim and they have a great pool so we did have a fun time despite the deep sadness and pain we were carrying.  We read a lot and were able to spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer.  It was refreshing and good for us to just get away from everything for awhile.

Coming back to our house from our getaway without Callie was hard.  Being in our house and walking by her room is hard.  Everything reminds us of her.  She was such a light and joy and her presence is missed every second of the day.  We spent the rest of the week reading, resting, crying, and also picking out her stone for her grave which was a lot of work and decisions.

Before we knew it, Justin was back at work the following Monday, everyone had seemed to be getting back to normal and moved on, and here Cooper and I are left with our entire lives and world rocked.  Everything changed for us.  Every meal, every outing, every conversation, every playtime was different.  Everything.  It's hard to even explain the hole I felt.  We can't get away from the fact that she is missing and not here.  I can get out and I can hold conversations and I can smile and not cry, but deep down she is all I think about.  It's constantly on my mind and my heart hurts every second.  We love you Callie Gracie and we cannot wait to see you again!