Remembering Baby Noah

Today is another special day in the Cummings' family.  Today would have been our 2nd baby's due date.  It's hard to believe that I would be holding a baby in my arms around this time.  I think about what this week would have looked like if we hadn't lost this baby.  It was back in October, just a week after our 1 year anniversary that we found out we were pregnant again after losing our 1st due to miscarriage in July.  We were so thankful and though we were cautious, we never thought we would be going through yet another miscarriage.   I looked at what my due date was a thought, "a June baby...how fun!!"  I was so excited and thought it was great timing.  We found out we were pregnant on a Friday so I had to wait until Monday to go into the Doctor to get my blood work done, to see what my HCG levels were and to determine how the baby was doing.  I received a phone call the next day that wrecked me.  The nurse told me that my progesterone was low and so were my HCG levels.  She was putting me on progesterone and I needed to go back to see if my HCG levels double.  I knew it didn't sound good, though she kept saying "we just need the levels to double."  I flat out asked her to be honest with what she thinks this means and she did admit to me me "it could mean you may miscarry this baby".  I got off the phone and I don't remember crying so hard in my life.  I was actually at work, just sobbing in my office not sure what to do.  I went home and just cried and cried.  My mind was running just thinking what I would do if I had another miscarriage.  It was a rough night.  I e-mailed all my close friends to ask them to pray that this would be a miracle baby and that my levels would double.  We prayed and prayed.  2 weeks later, at 6 weeks pregnant, we lost our sweet baby.  It was a very difficult 2 weeks, going in to get my blood drawn every other day just wondering, hoping, and praying for a different outcome.

We obviously have no idea what the gender is to either of our babies, but I like to think of one of them as a girl and one as a boy.  It helps me remember them as what they are, real babies, and not just a fetus, or an it.  I heard the medical people tell me many times "it just didn't stick".  It was very frustrating for me.  It took us awhile to choose a name for this baby because I didn't want to have to think about it at times.  I pushed aside my emotions more with this miscarriage then I did the first one.  I was back to work quickly, and I just swept it under the rug more than I should have.  I noticed that other people also didn't talk about it with me than with the first miscarriage.  It could be partly because more people knew about the 1st one and I was farther along,  and partly they just had no idea what to say.  I am a verbal processor (hence the reason for the blog) and it has always helped me to talk through things.  I felt very alone and went through an extremely hard season in my life following this miscarriage.  The Lord has definitely been my rock and I have learned and have grown through it all.  All Glory to Him.

We decided to name this baby Noah.  When I think of Noah in the Bible, I think of a man with great Faith, which is our first baby's name.  Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Through these miscarriages and over the past year the Lord has reminded me over and over to have faith and to trust Him.  It's so simple, yet I found it difficult to do at times.  He never promised me that I would be 24 weeks pregnant with a baby boy on the day of Noah's due date, but I knew His plan was perfect.  I knew He is a sovereign, good God who I could put my trust in.   

To our sweet baby Noah-we miss you and are so thankful for your life.  I so wished I could have held you, kissed your sweet cheeks,  and seen what you looked like.  We look forward to the day when we will be reunited with you in heaven...what another blessing we have waiting for us!!  Your mommy and daddy love you dearly!